Why it can be hard to lose a parent you dislike (2)

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

27 Aug 2006 04:04 PM

It's never easy to lose a parent, but as we discussed in Why it can be hard to lose a parent you dislike (1), the death of a less-than-loved parent can often be much more difficult to deal with than that of a loved parent with whom you shared a close and special bond.

Adult children can dislike a parent for as many reasons as there are parents. The relationship may have broken down to the point of constant bickering and fighting, or the adult child may be completely estranged from their parent, perhaps not even having seen them for many years.

Logic might suggest that when the news arrives of the death of this adversary, that person who has caused you so much pain and heartache, you would be filled with a sense of relief, or perhaps even no feeling at all. However, this is seldom the case. As we discussed in Why it can be hard to lose a parent you dislike (1), we carry a memory of our parents with us till the day we die. When that memory is a happy one, we can more easily travel the road of grieving for their loss and come out at the other end with a sense of positivism and gratefulness that we were able to share a beneficial parent-child bond.

Unfortunately, this road is much more difficult to traverse when the relationship between parent and child has been a rocky one. There may be anger at not having the father that you would have liked, rage that your mother was cold and made you feel worthless, grief that you did not have a happy childhood with a sense of love and acceptance instilled into you. The emotions are endless because the situations that caused the pain are endless in variation.

So, although it's easy to think that hating a parent will make it a breeze, even a celebration, to read their obituary, it is often not this way at all. Grief and depression may be longstanding. After all, you are not just grieving for the death of a parent, you are grieving for the little child you once were who missed out on all the love that you were entitled to. You are grieving for a relationship, not just a person. This type of death is a very complicated one, and the grieving process can, by its very nature, go on for much longer than grieving for a parent with whom you had a close, loving relationship.

What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? First of all, reassure yourself that the ambiguous feelings you are experiencing are normal. You may alternatively feel extreme anger, only to collapse in tears of unrelenting grief. Being pre-warned that this can happen will help you to accept the situation. Being prepared can help you better cope with the intense loss. Build your support network to help you through the crisis. And be open to receiving counseling should the need arise.

Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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Lucky7 (190) 28 Aug 2006 03:58 PM

This is very thought provoking. You'd think it would be the other way round.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 07 Aug 2008 10:21 AM

This was beautifully written and very helpful. Thank you, Beth.

Beth McHugh (13211) 07 Aug 2008 03:51 PM

Hi Courtney, thanks for your lovely comment. I'm glad you found it helpful.

rowenap (10) 06 Jan 2009 04:58 PM

Beth- part of me is going through the loss of a relationship with the death of my mother this morning ( also posted in the 'losing a parent' section.). I have lamented for many years now the loss of a 'productive' relationship with my mother. In recent years, I have come to understand that my mother's complex and troubled childhood contributed to her parenting approaches as an adult. She was giving but self-centred, a controlling parent who never really treated me as an adult. The minute I could leave home at 18, I did and I never returned though I have always kept in contact with my mother. I tried over the years to mend bridges, rebuild them no matter how fragile and so has my mother- but it never fully mended the cracks of the previous years. So at times relationships were strained. She has always loved me dearly and also my kids but she never stopped judging me and telling me how to live my life. I never stopped telling her how much I resented that and yes, I did blame her for what I felt was a hellish teenage phase- e.g. she never let me bring a single friend home, never had a single Christmas or birthday present, partly because we just could not afford it. I have built a family life which is the complete opposite for my kids- full of warmth, love, fun and care. I grieve today for what could have been. I also grieve because she did her best and in the only way she knew- I could not appreciate that till recently as a mature adult. So much wasted time..so many wasted years and now it is all too late...time to let go and move on- well theoretically but as your article suggests- this is easier said than done. I will look back with great sadness and wonder how it could have been different if I had tried harder.

Beth McHugh (13211) 11 Jan 2009 01:47 AM

Hi Rowenap, answered your other comment on the death of a parent. Best wishes, Beth