When Your Son Views Porn

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

13 May 2007 06:25 PM

In Pornography and Teenagers, we looked at the mixed emotions that parents feel when they discover that their adolescent son is looking at pornography on the web. In this blog, we will look at some of the ways to best deal with this common situation.

As previously mentioned, it is not useful to react in horror and indulge in a frenzy of name-calling when first we discover that porn in on the menu of your offspring's computer. One of the most beneficial activities that you can do is to anticipate the event happening and think about what you would do when and if such a situation arises. Prior planning allows you to think and act in a dispassionate way about how you would best like to tackle the situation. You can even be proactive and instigate conversation with your son about the issue of readily-available pornography and ask him what his thoughts are on the subject. You may be pleasantly surprised by his feedback.

This method demonstrates to your son that you are approachable on the subject. You may have an opinion that differs from his, but speaking your mind calmly and clearly sets a boundary for your son. Whether he agrees with it or not, he knows what it is.

It's not unusual for parents to find it difficult to talk to their offspring about many aspects of sex. But my attitude to this is that, if you were able to create your offspring, you can talk to them about how it all works. If you can overcome your own uncomfortability about talking about sex, you will be giving your child a priceless gift.

In the case of pornography, we must be careful to tread that thin line between being overly strict and overly lax. On the one hand, it can be a mistake to denigrate your son and completely disregard his natural curiosity about something that is fundamental to life. He is not "bad" to be looking at porn. But it is important that you communicate calmly that becoming reliant on hard core porn is dehumanizing to all parties: males and females, participants and viewers.

You don't have to say a lot; probably less is more. Nothing turns a teenager off more than a 10,000 word dissertation. A simple comment involving care for their welfare and respect for their privacy in this area of their lives, plus a willingness to talk about issues in a fair and unbiased way, will go a long way towards making an impact on your son. If this is too difficult, you can try offering a book appropriate to his age group which discusses issues pertinent to him and his peers. Be sure to choose a book that has no obvious bias, otherwise you may find your effort backfires in the long term.

The best message that you can send to your son does not need words, books, or lectures. It is the daily act of demonstrating via words and actions that you value your partner, that you can freely show affection and love, and most importantly, respect for each other. In a household where there is little or no respect between adult partners and between partners and their children, it is a big ask to expect the children in that household to show respect for others, including in the area of human sexuality. Your example speaks a thousand words.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Related articles:

Pornography and Teenagers

When Your Son Views Porn

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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Lucky7 (190) 27 May 2007 08:00 PM

Thanks for these level-headed and unbiased articles on teenagers and porn. So many people react with a knee-jerk reaction to this type of situation. I would like to see more articles on this topic.

Beth McHugh (12962) 02 Jun 2007 08:11 PM

More articles on this topic are coming soon!

abbeysheldon (15) 10 Sep 2007 09:46 PM

Do you have any knowledge about a mentally challenged son viewing porn?He is addicted. Help!!

Beth McHugh (12962) 10 Sep 2007 11:55 PM

Hi Abbey, It would depend on how old your son is and the level of mental retardation. You can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com for professional help with this issue if you think that that would be helpful to you. Best wishes, Beth

abbeysheldon (15) 11 Sep 2007 07:58 PM

Thanks Beth. he's 23 and his iq is 73. I adopted him when he was 3 days old. Just found out last week both of his parents were mentally challenged. That was a shocker!!He does already see 2 dr's and a sex counslor. Always looking for new ways to help him before I kill him. Just kidding.This child has shown us a different side of life we would have never known. God gave him to me for a reason, so I awlays am on the looking out trying to find out new things. Just thought you might know a different trick we haven't found. Thanks for your help

Beth McHugh (12962) 11 Sep 2007 10:31 PM

Hi Abbey, it's difficult to control a basic drive when your son is that age and with mental retardation into the mix. I think sticking with the sex counselor is the right way to go. Also encourage him (as I'm sure you are) to do plenty of physical activities to deflect some of his energies into more useful pastimes. Obviously working on the idea with him that pornography isn't the "real world" is also useful.

abbeysheldon (15) 11 Sep 2007 10:54 PM

Thanks for all your help. I have 3 older "normal kids" so yes the sex drive at that age is normal. Very normal!!Then you throw mental retardation into it and you get a big ball of fire.We live a very normal good life but on the inside it kills me to have to deal with this on an daily(sometimes hourly} basis.Have you ever incounter this before??Or are we the first???

Beth McHugh (12962) 11 Sep 2007 11:33 PM

No, of course you are not the first! Pornography addiction can happen at any age and to any person; your son is no different in that regard. The difficulty is of course, getting him to firstly see it as a problem and then, deal with it. This is not easy for a so-called "normal" person but extra difficult under these conditions. I'm sure the sex counselor can help you with this.

NathanielL (5) 07 May 2009 12:17 AM

Pornography is a controversial form of entertainment and an increasingly profitable one. According to Forbes, pornography is a 2.6 to 3.9 billion dollar a year industry (Ackman, 2001). Despite the apparent popularity of sexually explicit material, porn continues to be shrouded with a cloak of confusion and dissent. Parents should give their children plan B of searching so that they could be worried about porn addiction!