When An Apology Is Not An Apology (1)

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

11 Jul 2007 10:23 PM

We've probably all experienced this: the apology that somehow doesn't satisfy. The apology that leaves us feeling vaguely uncomfortable or even downright angry. Yet, haven't we just received an apology? Or maybe we haven't!

An apology is supposed to be a statement of genuine remorse that acknowledges that one person has done something to offend or upset another and wants to reassure the person that they have made a mistake and will try their best not to repeat the act. For an apology to qualify as an apology, there needs to be an effective understanding of what the offended person feels and the role of the offender in creating the hurt or angry feelings.

It takes guts to apologize. Many people find it hard to apologize. But if we desire strong, close and harmonious relationships with those we love, learning to apologize properly is a gem of a skill to possess. It means that you are mature, empathic and most of all, capable of taking responsibility for your own behaviors.

Let's take the case of Paul, a solicitor, and his sister-in-law, Elise. Elise had been sexually assaulted by her employer and Paul had volunteered to determine just what crime or crimes had been committed during the assault. In order to do this, Paul had to hear the entire story of the assault from start to finish so that he could accurately assess the nature and extent of the crime(s) committed. By the end of the telling, Elise was in tears

So far, so good. Paul promised to ask his boss, who had more experience in this field, to give his opinion on the case and to get back to Elise with the results. It is important for victims of sexual abuse, like Elise, to be made aware of the exact nature of the crime that has been committed against them, so as to encourage recovery by eliminating unnecessary guilt that often is associated with crimes of a sexual nature.

Elise was doing a very positive thing when she took up her brother-in-law's offer to help. She was attempting to empower herself by learning the true nature and extent of the crimes committed by her perpetrator. This would assist Elise to see that the perpetrator carries the full responsibility of the crime according to the law, and that Elise herself is entirely blameless. Anyone who has experienced sexual abuse will be able to identify with the false guilt that accompanies many sexual assaults.

Unfortunately, Paul was unable to extend himself to assist his sister-in-law. He "forgot" the incident. You can read about Paul's actions and how damaging they were to Elise in the next blog.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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BreakingFree (15) 31 Dec 2007 11:12 AM

Could you give some information on the enabling spouse of the narcissist? In my case, my mother is the mean spirited, controlling, manipulative and scheming narcissist and my family is the cowardly enabler who just repeats whatever garbage she comes up with. It is like he has lost the ablility to think for himself, he's her puppet. He has issued apologies for his behavior, but then keeps on repeating the same offenses. It's almost like I am dealing with two narcissists. I used to worship the ground he walked on, but now I have lost all respect for him, for he seems just as self centered as she is. I don't do Christmas with them anymore for my own sanity.

BreakingFree (15) 31 Dec 2007 11:16 AM

Hi, again, I have to make a correction. It is not my family who is the enabler, it is my father. Of course, it has taken a long time for my brothers to face the fact that what has gone on in our family and still continues to go on is not normal healthy behavior. Everyone has a tendency to make excuses for my parents behavior.

Beth McHugh (13211) 01 Jan 2008 01:42 AM

Hi BreakingFree, one thing I can tell you quite definitely is that your father is not a narcissist. Two narcissists can't really function together with any lasting success. At least you have recognized the situation you are dealing with, and have taken steps to limit the emotional damage these people can cause. There is really nothing you can do to change your father, brothers or indeed your mother. However if you feel that you need assistance in dealing with the situation, please feel free to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth