What not to say to people in distress (1)

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

02 Aug 2006 03:47 PM

Despite the fact that most of us have felt emotional pain during our lives, we often have little idea what to say to others who are in desperate need of words of solace. Unfortunately, people often say things that can actually make the situation worse. Sadly, these life skills are not taught in school, so the following is a quick course entitled "What not to say to the sad and grieving."

1. Stillborn babies It's natural for you as a friend to want to ease the pain of your grieving friend who has just given birth to a stillborn child or has lost a baby shortly after birth. One of the commonest statements to grieving mothers is: "Don't cry, you'll have another one."

Although spoken with the best of intentions, and with the aim of helping the mother look forward to a brighter future, it is one of the worst things a person could say in this situation. The grieving mother and father want this baby, not some amorphous being that may or may not manifest on earth one day. They badly want their little son or daughter who has just died. They want no other child. They feel sad, bereft, angry, disbelief: in short, a whole raft of emotions, but one emotion they are not feeling is the desire for another baby. That comes later, with time.

The best approach to this situation is to offer consolation, to be there to listen, to convey to the grieving parent that you are there for them for as long as it takes. Encourage tears, they are a great healer. Encourage your friend to keep this child alive in their minds: perhaps keep a lock of hair, buy them an engraved memento of their lost child, and give them your best hug. Most of all, give them permission to grieve for the now, and the future will take care of itself.

2. Death of an elderly parent This is another situation where all the platitudes known in the English language come out to play. One of the most common to be wheeled out when a parent dies at an advanced age is: "Well, they had a long life" or some sporting adage indicating that they had a great scorecard. Yes, they did. But the death of a parent is the death of a parent, regardless of whether that parent was 40 or 80. Sure, it is much sadder when a young child loses a parent and all the experiences that go with that, but we lose our mother or our father only once in a lifetime and it is a rite of passage no matter what our age. Try to remember that fact when dealing with this situation. Offer your sympathies as you would to a grieving child, because when a parent dies, we often return momentarily to that state.

Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

Michele Cheplic (37339) 02 Aug 2006 04:31 PM

Hi Beth, great topic! What do you or don't you want to say to someone who is suffering from depression? Any tips? I've heard you don't want to them them to "just snap out of it."

Kay M. (300) 02 Aug 2006 08:18 PM

What a great article. I have had people tell me the worst things before. My little sister is a fine example. Last year she asked me, "So what is this Lupus thing anyhow"? Ooooh! I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her. Yes, we live across the country from each other. We hadn't seen each other in a long time. I gritted my teeth and told her she had a computer and probably the skills to use it, and she should look up my illness. What irked me was that I had been hospitalized four times due to my Lupus and she hadn't even bothered to learn about it. When I was first diagnosed she told me, "Oh, I just wouldn't have time to have a serious illness" (another time I wanted to punch her) A few months ago I had a long talk with her and told her if she didn't want to know about me, and my health she could throw away my email and phone number. She suddenly looked things up. :)

Megan Bayliss (3586) 04 Aug 2006 02:04 PM

We've had two deaths in a fort night. The second funeral is on Monday. The second death has affected me far greater than the first because of my closeness and supportive role to the woman. It has annoyed me greatly that people stopped offering their condolences for the second death because they had only just seen me and cried with me over the first one. I had moments of wanting to go and shake people and scream at them, "Linda is dead". For those who read my journal entrys on Linda's death, I sat there bawling as I wrote those - even though the genre is comedy. The most wonderful statement that anybody has ever made to me in my moment of need was my son coming and asking if he could make me a cup of tea. I'm dreading and Monday.

alteregoeleanore (36159) 27 Sep 2006 10:03 AM

Thank you for writing this, Beth! I've had two miscarriages myself, and it's incredibly painful when others dismiss what my losses by saying something insensitive to me, such as "Oh, you're young! You'll have another", and the like. I really pray people take your advice to heart, because it can save so much heartache and so many bad feelings between people. Bless you!