Walking the Mother-Daughter Tightrope (4)

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

17 Apr 2006 02:39 PM

In Walking the Mother-Daughter Tightrope (1), (2), and (3), we looked at many ways to move through the minefield of the female adolescent years. In today's article, we'll look at additional ways to smooth the path of adolescent angst.

1. Use questions to help her make responsible decisions. When your daughter tells you she is doing something of which you don't approve, try to engage her in conversation rather than react in a hostile manner to the news she has just told you. For example, let's say she has just informed you that she is dropping math from her high school subjects. You strongly disagree with this decision. But rather than tell her all the reasons why you think she is making a mistake, instead ask her why she believes this is a good idea. Ask her how this will benefit her in the short term. Ask her how she thinks this move will affect her in the long term. Ask her how this will affect her current career plans and what options may be closed to her by making this decision. You may find that your daughter has thought this through quite well, and her decision may well be the best one for her. On the other hand, you may prompt her to go away and give further thought to her decision. Either way, an argument can possibly be avoided by being non-confrontational. And whatever her final decision is, respect it. Few things are cast in stone. If she needs that math in later life and is committed to a career path, she can always do it later. But the real prize is that, in respecting your daughter's opinion, you will strengthen your long-term relationship.

2. Be clear about what is important and what is not. No two people agree on every subject. Neither will you and your daughter. Mother-daughter relationships can easily turn into a battle of wills. This is often the fault of the parent rather than the offspring. Being overly strict and inflexible can do long-term damage to the fragile parent-teen relationship that will be remembered long after you are in your grave. So try to be very clear about the really important issues in life before demanding that your newly-blooming adult child comply with your every whim. Sometimes being a parent can just be a series of exercises in damage control, and it's often better to lose a battle every now and again than win a war. Is it really that important if your daughter wears too much make-up? Is it really that important if she wears a thong? Is it really that important if she drops her math course? What are the important issues in her life? Number one issue is that she feels loved and supported by her parents. This is what she will remember about you as she grows to maturity and beyond. Try not to get bogged down with the meaningless issues of life. Concentrate on the lasting ones: love, respect, compassion. By doing so, you can hope to be given the same in return.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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mourningmom (5) 04 Jul 2006 06:13 AM

I'm learning so much from just these few entries.... my daughter (24) is living with a VERY immature young fella, and Billie (my daughter) is SO enabling him to remain the spoiled brat that he is, to the extent that she is not "allowed" to speak to me because HE doesn't like me! I've tried to raise her to be independent and resourceful, but her head is up his rectum all the way to her ankles, and she hasn't utilized her maturity to save herself yet. She chooses to believe his lies than to visit w/me and see for herself. Not like her at all, as she has always been the "I DO IT MYSELF!" master, since the time I tried to show her how to tie her shoes. So thankful I found this site, it's helpin me, and hopefully someday soon she'll speak to me again. Until then, this helps me cope.

Beth McHugh (13211) 16 Apr 2008 08:30 PM

Hopefully the good foundation you have established with your daughter from birth will eventually comes to the fore once the infatuation period is over. Hormones have great power but do not rule forever, thankfully!

andreea360 (20) 02 Jul 2008 12:39 PM

Mourningmom .. I kinda understand her, I've been with a guy.. for hmm six months and what can I say, I know that he is lying but the rest of the quality time spend with him makes it so nice, maybe she really has fun with him, but, from my own experience, she should leave him.. they aren't worthy. google magic formula