Walking the Mother-Daughter Tightrope (3)

KIDD1981 (11) 12 Nov 2006 11:18 PM

GOOD

KIDD1981 (11) 12 Nov 2006 11:19 PM

COOL

katesbirdworld (625) 30 Jul 2007 03:45 AM

I agree totally on the sex thing. When my daughter came to that age where I thought she might be experimenting I ask her to come and talk to me about it before hand so I could prepare her in a safe way. Not that I wanted her to have sex as a teenager but instead of ignoring their feelings, giving them the proper guidance to protect them from todays dangers. The same went for my son.

Beth McHugh (13186) 30 Jul 2007 03:52 PM

Hi Kate, proactive thinking and acting is definitely part of good parenting.

jeanann (227) 08 Oct 2007 07:13 AM

I think it is a good article, but I think that we should also provide information to our children about sex. It's good to know where babies come from; it's more important to teach them to say know and that you understand about peer pressure.

Beth McHugh (13186) 11 Oct 2007 05:10 PM

Of course, that was one of the main points of the article. Teaching your child to make informed choices about sex is an important aspect of good parenting.

whatsup (200) 05 Dec 2007 12:49 PM

As a daughter who underwent the rocky adolescence phase with my mother, not too long ago actually, I wish we had this to read! What great advice. Seriously, I wish we read this back then!

Beth McHugh (13186) 05 Dec 2007 03:04 PM

Well, you can always use this advice with your own daughter when the time comes! Thank you for your feedback.

necessary_knowledge (21) 11 Mar 2008 06:22 PM

I believe a child cannot turn into a fully functional adult without undergoing independent problems and deal with it themselves. Thats all I have to say.

Dale Harcombe (10142) 11 Mar 2008 09:18 PM

Teaching them when they are young children and then trusting them to know the right decisions when they are older is part of parenting. But it's not always easy to step back and watch them make mistakes, but if we have taught them well and given them a framework of behavior early on, hopefully they won't make many serious ones. Communication is certainly another vital aspect. My daughter and I have always talked heaps. She is an adult now and we are close friends as well as mother and daughter, as I was with my own mother.In neither case we there any serious issues in the teenage years.

Beth McHugh (13186) 15 Mar 2008 07:06 PM

Three generations of mothers and daughters who are friends....great work! Parents want their children to respect them but it cuts both ways....parents need to respect their growing child's boundaries. Then great friendships can be born.

Lea31 (35) 18 Mar 2008 07:16 PM

I am not sure I agree with the idea of just letting teens make their own mistakes about underage sex. Maybe I am just mis understanding your post. I have a daughter who will be 16 in 6 wks. She has a boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs that will be 17 in 5 wks. They have not had intercourse, but had become very sexual and would have. Instead of letting her make what I think would be a huge mistake, meaning I being sex at 16 is a misake, I went back to only supervised dating. Knowing that if I let her date this boy unsupervised they would be having sex...you are of the belief I should let her do this and make her own mistake? I should add she and I do have a open relationship and so she is very informed about sex, std's, protection etc.

Beth McHugh (13186) 18 Mar 2008 11:17 PM

Hi Lea, maybe the next article in the series will shed some more light on the subject. You can find it at http://mental-health.families.com/blog/walking-the-mother-daughter-tightrope-4

When dealing with underage sex, legalities come into the equation and that is something you need to talk to your daughter about. Despite the fact that teenagers think they know everything and certainly will tell you words to that effect, it is surprising sometimes to find enormous gaps in their information base. I certainly wouldn't encourage underage sex, because the younger a person is who engages in sex, the less they know about the emotional ramifications involved. How do you know for sure that your daughter and her BF would have sex unless you were there? The bottom line is that, no matter what rules you put in place, you can't stop two kids determined to have sex. That is why I always advocate talking to your sons and daughters from a very young age about these issues. It seems that you have done this. You are entitled to your opinion on this issue and to voice it to your daughter. Your daughter may not necessarily agree however. It is a very difficult period for parents to got through and many times you are left in the position of hoping that somewhere all your words of wisdom and careful respectful listening come to the fore.

Lea31 (35) 19 Mar 2008 09:07 AM

I did read the the 4th article. It was very good and made alot of sense. It is just SO hard to follow! I hear all the time "you have to choose your battles" and I think that is also what your article is saying. I believe my daughter will have sex because they have been caught "with their pants down" so to speak, by me once when I trusted them to be watching a movie in my living room while I was in the house doing other things, laundry, reading etc and another time by a parent in a parking lot! I also have snooped at her messages on her cell phone and so know how involved they are. She insisted things will go no further and says she doesn't want to have actual intercourse. But, I think they will. I had planned on letting her date unsupervised at 16 which is a few wks away, however even though I have talked to her and told her all the reasons not to have sex I am still convinced she will. I have taken her to our family Dr who also talked her to about sex. I have a rx for birth control, but haven't filled it. I have thought about backing up the dating rule till she is closer to 17 thinking she will be more mature and maybe will make a better decision. In your opinion would that be a good option? Thank you for your articles

Beth McHugh (13186) 19 Mar 2008 04:44 PM

Hi Lea, it is hard for me to comment on individual cases, because each case is different. Also this is a public forum and I don't want to get highly specific here. If your daughter is behaving in sexual ways while you are in the house, you are likely correct in thinking that they will go to the next step. At least there is a strong possibility that that will happen. You are wise to have taken your daughter to the doctors for further education and to obtain contraception. This is being practical and realistic. However, you are still entitled to state your opinion about the matter to your daughter. You are entitled to set rules for what behaviors are tolerated in your own home. Obviously you are aware that if you ban the boy from your home they will go elsewhere. Have you asked your daughter what she thinks are the benefits of having sex now versus the benefits of having sex at a later time? Hear her out and allow her to talk even if you think what she is saying is wrong. You will achieve more if you keep the lines of communication open. Stay friends as much as you are able. It is a difficult situation, and one that many parents face. Has she spoken to her father about how she is feeling? What is his opinion? As to rolling back the dating rule, you could take time to think about it, rather than automatically act on it the day she turns 16. Age is not a determinant of maturity, so you can be flexible with this. If you would like to discuss the situation in more depth and require further assistance you can contact me at http/youronlinecounselor.com

Lea31 (35) 20 Mar 2008 10:18 AM

Thank you for your input. I actually did contact a therapist. I talked to her first and had planned on having my daughter talk to her alone. I was concerned about my daughter being such a "follower" and not speaking her mind with her peers. The counselor told me she had no advice for me.

I have done everything she could think of for a parent to do. She suggested as you did, to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. She thought sadly, I was describing fairly typical teenager behaviour nowdays. To answer your question yes my husband, her father has talked to her several times. He also talked to the boyfriend. He is "older" father and rather old fashioned, he loves our daughter very much, but does have a rather difficult time talking to her about personal matters. But, he has tried. Once again, thank you for your response to my problem.

Beth McHugh (13186) 20 Mar 2008 04:59 PM

Lea, have you talked to your daughter about her plans if the contraception fails? Many young (and not so young) women believe that the pill is 100% reliable. You could ask her what plans she and her boyfriend have put in place if a pregnancy arose. You could couch it in terms of putting you and your husband's minds at ease that she has everything under control in that area, rather than a hostile enquiry. In other words, be matter of fact about it, since it is a very real possibility.

Lea31 (35) 22 Mar 2008 12:50 PM

We have talked about pregnancy of course. Actually after you having said that, I have been talking to her like the pill is 100% effective and the condom is needed for disease protection. In the new few wks I will suggest to her to plan with her bf what they will do with the possible child BEFORE they have intercourse!

Beth McHugh (13186) 22 Mar 2008 06:18 PM

I know of many women who have become pregnant while on the pill. They did not miss a tablet either, or become ill. There is a myth among young girls that t's an airtight solution. If a young woman can successfully plan her own contraception and have valid and well-thought out plans in place for her life if conception does occur, then we can only conclude that that person is mature enough to enter into a sexual relationship. Unfortunately many older women can't successfully do this! Asking her this question may just jog her to think about how a pregnancy would need to be handled. Good luck with it.