The experience of losing a parent

Brownie (1011) 20 Aug 2006 04:03 AM

I never heard of "Orphan Syndrome" before, but feel a bit better after reading your article. The feeling of having no safety net, as you describe, is the worst. Everyone expects you to be grown up and strong, but losing a parent makes you a tiny child again for a while --- thank you for pointing this out, I'm sure it will help many!

Beth McHugh (13211) 20 Aug 2006 04:07 PM

Hi Brownie, I'm glad the article has helped you in some way. Sometimes when we lose one or both parents it can help us to remember that our parents went through the same process, and theirs before them, and so on. They all survived emotionally and so will anyone who goes through the same process.

xButterflyGalx (140) 16 Jun 2008 08:06 AM

Hi Beth! Thank you so much for this article. My mom passed away 18 months ago at the age of 54 and we were extremally close and I have had a hard time dealing with my loss. Also, I find that people seem to not understand my loss and expect me to just snap out of it and move on. It felt good to read this and I even posted it myself with acknowledgment of you of course for others to read who have yet not dealt with a loss of a parent so maybe they might understand more of where I am coming from!

Beth McHugh (13211) 16 Jun 2008 03:44 PM

Hi Butterfly, I'm so glad you were able to be comforted by this article. Yes, people in general do expect you to just "snap out of it" but life isn't like that. I'm planning some articles shortly on the subject of death and just how long it can take to get over grief from a realistic point of view. If you want to be sure to catch it, simply click on the Subscribe to Mental Health link in the column to the right. You'll be sent an email and you won't miss out. Best wishes, Beth

xButterflyGalx (140) 16 Jun 2008 03:58 PM

thank you very much for replying and I look forward to those posts! Have a great day:)

Dale Harcombe (10315) 16 Jun 2008 07:58 PM

My Dad died when I was 16 , my Mom when I was in my 30s. We had been very close. I was an only child. Though I never turned away from God I was very angry with Him for a long while after Mom died. And yes, some people expected me to move on and get over it, which didn't help. Your article gives a realistic view of the situation.

Beth McHugh (13211) 17 Jun 2008 03:08 AM

Hi Dale, it is hard when a loved parent dies, and made harder when some people don't understand. Especially in your case when there were no siblings to "share" with. You obviously had a wonderful relationship with your mother, which helps long-term with the grieving process. Thanks for your comment.

Dale Harcombe (10315) 17 Jun 2008 01:23 PM

You made me think and I've written about that time in my latest blog http://christian.families.com/blog/dealing-with-the-death-of-parents

Beth McHugh (13211) 18 Jun 2008 12:55 AM

Another interesting angle is coping with the death of a parent you dislike. Paradoxically, this can be much harder to deal with than coping with the death of a much loved parent. You can read two articles on this topic at: http://mental-health.families.com/blog/why-it-can-be-hard-to-lose-a-parent-you-dislike-1

Dale Harcombe (10315) 18 Jun 2008 08:27 PM

I can't imagine what it would feel like dealing the death of a parent you disliked as I loved both of mine dearly. It was just I had more time with Mom and we were a lot alike too.

Yambasticks (85) 13 Sep 2008 08:02 AM

After losing my mother to a short battle with geneic oral cancer at age 55, really too young to die if you ask me I have learned the hard way that time never heals the pain, time only changes how you handle the pain. Over time you become stronger, knowing full well you can't change anything, that you can't bring back your dead parent, and that things whether we want them to not are changing....... for us it was tough, our father began failing and we at least myself felt we would be digging his grave in a short few months because of his own grief, and I could hardly believe myself encouraging him to date to have fun, and seek out companionship. He just simply could not live and dance on my moher's grave. Now he is happily married, and the change even though we as children do not tend to care much for his new wife are at least sure dad may live just a bit longer as God intended. While mom was dying, I think the process was more difficult. None of us could decide what the best thing for mom was. I thought one thing, my sister thought another, my brother tried very hard not to offer an opinion, and dad found himself caought in the grieving cycle and was angry with no clear reason other than there was no money to be had to treat mom with what she needed. my folks knew their married children had families of their own and had limited resources and time an rarely were much help. As married kids, we all blamed each other, we should have done this or that, and pointed fingers, but the truth was the inevitable was coming and it did. Even though it sounds harsh death was mercy in her case, death was her escape from the clutches of the vicious killer of cancer, and as much as we hated letting go married or not i was the best thing for her. we are by our very nature creatures of habit, and "we don't like change, we feel frightened and insecure when change in our lives begin to happen, but life will always be, "lets change and sort through feelings that we have, and as in the Lion King, and some sci fi stories when death is happening tragically to parents their last cry is always, "we have taught you well, you know how to stand on your own and you can do it. Losing a parent, a sibling, or even an extended family member or friend will always be painful, but we all must remember above anything, our parents live in us regardless and we can cope with the changes, and teach our prosterity the same, and we must somehow be secure in that, and if we aren't we must work on that.

My heart is always heavy and I still cry over my mother's passing, but I know she has taught me well, and I know that even though I may not care much for the changes in my own father's life that the change is best for im too.

Beth McHugh (13211) 13 Sep 2008 02:56 PM

Hi Yambasticks, I'm sorry to hear about the death of your mother and you are right, the pain doesn't really go away, it just changes shape as we adjust to the loss of the loved one. Although there are painful memories of loss, those memories also serve to keep our loved ones alive in our hearts. It sounds like your mother has done her job and "taught you well" and you can draw on her strength and inspiration and her words to get you through the hard times. Best wishes, Beth

Mississippigirl1987 (5) 17 Sep 2008 04:02 PM

Im so glad to find this site! i know everyone experiences this in life! but when you go through it you feel like the only person in the world! and it hurts!!! i was just wondering ...is it normal...to have Anxiety problems? after loosing a parent? I lost my dad in April 2008 ....i am the only child so its just me and my mom left...i was 20yrs old when he passed....he has been sick for a long time...he had a heart transplant in 1996....some say (oh its easier because yall expected it) and yes....in a way we knew it was going to happen sooner than later....but i dont care what anyone says.....sick or not sick....its not expected and it doesnt make it any easier!! after his passing.....i turned down the wrong road...and drank and did bad things to cover up my feelings......that only lasted a month..because i started having these "weird" feelings and went to a DR about it...and he diagnozed me with Depression and Anxiety.... any words of advice??? is this normal....or something i should be worried about?

Beth McHugh (13211) 17 Sep 2008 05:24 PM

Hi mississippigirl, I am sorry for the loss of your father. It is quite normal to feel a range of emotions after a death, including anxiety and depression. And you are right, it is not helpful that people are offering the "consolation" that it wouldn't have come as too much of a surprise. Even if your father had lived till he was 90, when your father dies, it is a huge issue because we only get one father and we literally know no life without him. Also, you have been under stress with his illness for a long time and you were only a teenager when that started, so you have had a heavy load of emotions to deal with. Have you been able to cry --- really cry -- about your Father leaving you? Sometimes anxiety is just blocked emotions, it may be sadness, it may be anger, it may be both. But it is normal to feel this way and I would encourage you to try to let it out. Cry often and write about how you feel and you may find the depression and anxiety lifts after each occasion. Have a read of the article below:

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-a-death

This will reassure you that the grieving process takes a while so that you do not place unrealistic pressure on yourself to "get over it". Can you talk to your mother about how you are feeling? I'm sure you will pass through this phase, it just takes time. If you ever get stuck you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

kblain2113 (5) 07 Oct 2008 08:00 PM

I am a 21 year old woman who just lost her father to colon cancer after a two year struggle with the disease. We were so optimistic about him making it and being cured. By September all went pessamistic and we realized that death was eminent. Watching your father or parent deteriorate in front of you and having there be nothing you can do to make it easy is hard. My father was the strongest man I knew and never asked for help, only to give it instead. By the end of his life this cancer had made him weak and needing help with even the littlest simplest tasks we take for granted. He was 65 years old and, although that isn't too young and he had lived a good amount of his life, I wasn't ready. None of us were ready. It's still been very hard to digest and to realize my dad is gone. He won't be here when I make milestones in my life like marriage or more grandchildren. I was lucky enough, out of irresponsiblity as a late teenager, to have given him one grandchild. He got to experience that one last milestone of his life being a grandfather. If anything, my dad having cancer and dying has taught me that there is a reason for everything. There's a reason I had my son and whether or not I can see it right now, there is a reason my dad left us. None the less this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through or anyone can every go through, no matter what age

Dale Harcombe (10315) 07 Oct 2008 09:54 PM

My Mom died of colon cancer and I agree it is hard . I was angry for a long time. http://christian.families.com/blog/dealing-with-the-death-of-parents Now, many years later I can see there were some blessings also came out of that time. My Mom knew her grandson but not her granddaughter. My father died when I was a teenager so he never got to be a grandparent. My thoughts are with you, kblain2113 and Mississippigirl1987 ( I was an only child too) and Yambasticks , I agree it is hard to deal with.

Beth McHugh (13211) 07 Oct 2008 10:36 PM

My father also died of cancer but I consider it a blessing that he passed peacefully and we had time together before he died for me to say all that I needed to. Kblain, things do happen for a reason and I was so fortunate that my father did not go suddenly when I would not have had the precious time I had with him before he left. I hope that you were able to say goodbye in your own way to your Dad, and cherish the times that you spent together. It does take time to get over the death of a parent as you literally know no life without them. But we all get through it in our own time. You might also like to have a read of http://mental-health.families.com/blog/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-a-death Best wishes, Beth

materialgirl (10) 11 Oct 2008 07:45 AM

My father passed away Feb. 07, but it feels like it was yesterday. So many people make the same comments like I should be over it by now or you knew it was coming. The worst one was my brothers gf said "well, at least you will be able to have your own life now". My dad was 65 years old, a young man to me, but he had many health problems so I took care of him for 10 years. My dad was always been my best friend and we had a relationship unlike anyone I ever knew. I have never been close to my mother, she has Borderline Personality Disorder, she was very abusive and still is. She has never known how to be a mother, yet I have been devoted to her as well because my dad always said "she is your mother". She treated all of us like dirt, including my dad whom she divorced for another man and I have a hard time having sympathy for her, she sure didn't feel bad beating all of us. She couldn't wait for my dad to pass so she could be "Number One". I love my mother but I don't like her so I did appreciate the other article about disliked parents. I feel like I have nothing left and ask God how could He take the only thing I had. I will never get over the loss of my dad, my heart bleeds. I think the best way to describe things is when Yambasticks said "that time never heals the pain, time only changes how you handle the pain. Over time you become stronger, knowing full well you can't change anything, that you can't bring back your dead parent, and that things whether we want them to not are changing". This resonates with me and I am going to print it out so I can read it every day. Seeing the headlines here of 'how long does grief last' makes me feel like there will be a day we'll just wake up and say "whew I'm glad that's over". Beth, even your response of "I'm planning some articles shortly on the subject of death and just how long it can take to get over grief from a realistic point of view" sounds the same even though I know you are a very compassionate person and its not the way it reads, it just reads that way to "me". I know I am very sensitive. I also know you know what you're talking about and I appreciate your time, energy and expertise with this website. I have been led here for a reason so I know I will receive some healing in one form or another. I get so much out of what others say who have experienced loss and I thank everyone else for sharing their grief.

materialgirl (10) 11 Oct 2008 07:53 AM

Below is the entry to the blog about death. I disagree that there is a reasonable time spam to "get over" the loss of a much loved friend or family member. Honestly, do people get over it? Or do we learn to DEAL with the loss. I can't imagine getting over losing my dad. Sorry....

Recently we have been talking about death and how to cope with both the overwhelming feelings of despair that accompany the end of a life. We also looked at just what is a reasonable time spam to get over the loss of a much loved friend or family member.

Beth McHugh (13211) 11 Oct 2008 02:19 PM

Hi Materialgirl, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father, especially as he was your "special" parent as compared to your mother, and so young. You are still in the very early stages of grief yet unfortunately people such as your brother's GF will continue to make hurtful statements that may make you feel that you are somehow wrong to be grieving still. Or that your life will now be somehow better now. But you know the truth.

In http://mental-health.families.com/blog/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-a-death I talked about the pressure that society puts on us to "get over it". Yet mental health studies show repeatedly that it takes longer to get over a death than society in general allows us. And by "getting over" we really mean acceptance, because in reality we would not chose to live our lives without our loved one. We go through a process of adjustment to the fact that they are gone. You have yet to go through all the milestones that a year brings; things like Christmas, your father's birthday, your own, etc, hence it is all so new and raw for you. My father has been dead for seven years and although it took a while, the intense pain has passed. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love him to pop in for Christmas lunch. Little things bring him back but the feeling has changed over time. One of the things that helped me was to tell myself that he had gone through the same experience with his own father, and his father before him and that if he could do it, so could I. Cry when you need to and, as time passes, the happy memories will come to be stronger in your mind. I know it doesn't feel that way now however. Best wishes, Beth

somebody (5) 12 Oct 2008 02:01 PM

I also lost my mum in feb 07 to cancer. although we knew it was spreading she had a brain haemorrhage suddenly. Although my dad is still alive i feel like an orphan as he is now married to my mums cousin with whom he was having an affair while my mum was alive and battling her illness. I have had depression for a number of years but since losing my mum, and following loads of arguments with my dad cos i cant accept this woman into my home, I have gone downhill. I feel I cant grieve properly for my mum I am constantly told to 'snap out of it' 'forget him and get on with your life' and thats from my gp and psycologist as well as those I used to confide in. I know what I should do but I dont feel safe unless I am home. I keep it all to myself now and avoid going anywhere in case i see someone i know. I am an only child. I never had the 'talk' with my mum as she didnt want to talk about dying.

cici2003 (5) 23 Oct 2008 08:46 AM

I love this article. My mom died when I was 14 of Wilson's Disease. My parents were divorced and my dad had custody of me. I guess I always knew she was sick but it didn't make sense to me that she could die. I was a freshman in high school. The last day I saw her awake was the day after Christmas. She weighed 90 lbs and has severe jaudice to the extent that she looked like an alien to me. I was scared of her when she was in ICU. I decided not to be there when they took her off life support. My aunt told me that as she took her last breaths she stared at my picture sitting on the table beside her bed. That was almost 9 years ago. I feel so guilty that I wasn't there. I wish I wasn't scared of her just because of the machines on her. How could I not be there for her? I was her only child! I'm 23 now and it seems as though I'm taking her death harder now than I ever did. I feel like I need her right now all the time. I don't think I even cried at the funeral because I was in shock. It was a sick, confusing feeling that has lasted all these years. I gave up on my grades in school, I had a few wild moments after high school, I'm a hypochondriac worrywart, and I still feel as lost as I did the day she died. I worry myself sick that something is going to happen to my dad or my fiance' and it's devastating to my well being. I can't sleep at night, I feel sick all the time due to worrying about my loved ones, and I myself cannot deal with the fact that I will die one day. Are these things normal, or is it due to losing my mother at 14? I have to find a way to get past some of this anxiety. I will be getting married soon and if I keep going the way I am, I'm scared I will have a break down at the wedding I used to describe to my mom when I was a little girl. My life is consumed by the death of my mother and I don't even know how to grieve it 9 years later. Am I crazy? Thank you to everyone that has shared their stories. I know exactly how all of you feel.

Beth McHugh (13211) 23 Oct 2008 11:36 PM

Hi cici, the experience of your mother's early death has sensitized you to the idea of death but it doesn't have to be permanent. Have you thought about having grief counseling? It is not uncommon to feel the way you are after a death but as it isn't going away over time, you might benefit from help so that you can start really enjoying life again. I'm sure your mother would want you to be happy, nor would she be upset that you weren't with her at the end. You were very young and it would be good if you could forgive yourself. After all, you didn't do anything wrong, you were simply frightened of what was happening. Do you have a grief counselor in your local area? You might benefit from a chat. Best wishes, Beth

ironside (5) 28 Dec 2008 02:21 PM

I am 28 and my mom died Nov. 23 2008 at the age of 57 after battling a diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer for 14 months. I am an only child and my dad has been pretty much non-exixtent in my life since I was 4. I don't want him in my life either because he abused me for the first for years of my life. so basically I am an orphan. my brother died when I was 2 at four days old. That was my first real experience with death. even though I was so young and he never lived long enough for us to have a relationship it still hurts and I will always wonder how he would have turned out. my mom was my best friend and played a dual role of both parents. she was also like a sister. she was everything to me and now I am so lost without her. She was the only consistent stability my entire life. she was always there for me when I needed her and understood me like no one ever could. the pain is unbearable and I find myself not really caring about myself, and I even somewhat feel I have lost myself in this sea of anxiety, depression, anger, and confusion. I was living in Chicago when she was diagnosed and dropped everything and moved back home to Michigan to be with her in April 2008. I was really optimistic the entire time until August when they said the cancer had spread to her brain. after that things got really bad and she finally had to go into Hospice care because I could not take care of her on my own anymore. she spent a month and a half in Hospice and died less than a minute before I walked into her room on her only sister's birthday. Her mother also died this year in February. Along with that one of my really close friends, who was helping take care of my mom before I was able to move home, died a year ago today. I know animals are on another level, but sometimes they can be family members too. after my mom died I had to put our dog to sleep and one of our cats. so I am dealing with many losses all together in a very short period of time. my mom's death hurts the worst and I know I will never be over it. with it still so fresh I feel like I will never be able to move on. Christmas was very difficult! I cry all the time. I've learned from these losses that it doesn't matter if it happens suddenly like with my friend, if it happens naturally to an older family member like my grandma, or if it happens expectledly slowly over time. Death hurts the ones left behind no matter what the circumstances. Right now I feel like it is getting harder for me to function since my mom died, and I'm not really sure I had time to process my grandma and my friend's deaths because I was so wrapped up in making sure my mom was cared for. I thought it was supposed to get easier. Is this just a phase that it has to get harder before it gets better again? my attitude is so negative and I feel like it's going to affect my relationship with my boyfriend even though he is super amazing and understanding. I'm scared I'm going to push him away because of my fear of losing everyone that I become close with. I plan to seek counseling soon but I keep putting it off. I hardly call my friends right now becasue I am so depressed and I just don't know what to say. I also feel like people are better off without me around because from my perspective I am a mess and who would want to be around me? maybe I am overreacting because I can't see myself through other people's eyes? Everyone has been really supportive around me and nobody has said I "should be over it by now". I know I need to reach out for help more but all this just makes me that much more reclusive. It's weird how sometimes I can say to myself my mom is gone and never coming back and it settles fine, but other times it still shocks me. This process is horrible but I keep tryin to tell myself everything happens for a reason and it will be ok and things will work out. it's so hard to keep that mindset all the time though. I know my mom would want me to be happy but it's just so hard right now.

Beth McHugh (13211) 31 Dec 2008 08:47 PM

Hi Ironside, your mother has died so recently that it is no wonder that you are experiencing a raft of painful emotions. Please know that this is normal and to be expected, although it is incredibly painful. In addition you have have all the other losses to deal with as well and there is only so much that a person can deal with at once, and you have a heavy load at the moment. Do try to let your friends help you as much as they can, you may feel in another world at the moment, and in a sense you are. This will pass but it will take time. You can't get over something beautiful in a moment. You can contact me for additional help at http://youronlinecounselor.com. In the meantime be reassured that whatever you are feeling is entirely appropriate at this point in time. Best wishes, Beth

rowenap (10) 06 Jan 2009 04:46 PM

I lost my mother this morning. I am an only child and live about 350 miles away from my mother. She was diagnosed with secondary cancer which affected her lungs. She had gallbladder and liver cancer 4 years ago and after two major ops, thought the cancer was all sorted. However, it had travelled and in October 2008 she was told she was in the final stages and it was just palliative care. My mother was fiercely independent and wanted to stay in her own home till she died. She would not go into a hospice and as a result spent the last few weeks in considerable discomfort and pain. Finally on Sunday Jan 4th evening she asked to go to the hospice. She lapsed into a deep sleep the moment she got there. I was making arrangements to travel south to see her, hold her hand, read, speak with her ...whatever. This morning I got up and felt I need to call the hospice and I did. She was still alive when I called but a few minutes into the call, the nurse told me she had gone. It was very very surreal- though I was not there in person, I was there in spirit. I just could not speak on the phone. So why did I register tonight on this site and to reply- I don't really know other than to say when I read the various postings and Beth's really sensitive response...I thought I would just type my thoughts. I am an only child and though I have a really supportive and loving family of my own around me...I feel it is just me thinking about my mother. We did not have a fantastic relationship- but my mother sacrificed a lot of her life for me. My parents divorced in difficult circumstances when I was 4. I never knew my father till I found him via the internet 4 years ago- after 40 years of not being in touch (I am 48). My mother never knew I found my mother- it would have broken her heart to know I had been in touch with my dad- I think she would have seen it as a betrayal of her.

I wish I had made it on time to say a physical goodbye to her. I last spoke with her two days ago. I had booked flights to take my kids(18 and 21) to say goodbye to her but it was all too late- we have the tickets but no grandmother to say goodbye to.

Do you think it would have made a difference for me to have been there in person to say goodbye? Will this guilt affect me for a long while to come? I am having to go to my mother's in two days to begin registering the death, deal with funeral arrangements and see the solicitor. Thank goodness my daughter is coming with me- it is a 6/7 hour drive in wintry conditions- not looking forward to it.

The finality is something that I have played through my mind over and over throughout today. I am really sad that with having lived quite far away, we have not been able to have much time together over the years. She gave up so much for me...I am so sorry that I did not have the time to really say thank you and to ask sorry for the arguments and times I hurt her in the past..

Then the pragmatic part of me takes over and I concentrate on the good things we have had together...

Anyway, thanks for the space to let me feelings out.

LostInAtlanta (8) 07 Jan 2009 02:22 PM

I lost my mom the day after Christmas last year and my sister and I just laid her to rest on last Friday, Jan. 2, 2009....wow what a way to bring in the New Year! I have beaten myself up over the last few days....you see I just saw my mother on Christmas Day and I had spoken to her that morning and she told me she had been throwing up all night and she throw up my dressing I had made..I said how do you know it was my dressing mom and she said, becuz I can taste the turkey sausage....I said, whatever you probably threw up everyone's food.....she told me to make sure I picked up her prescription and a pack of rolaids...I said, okay, but I can't do it now becuz I'm on the southside of town...I was watching a friend's dog...I often wonder what if I had went straight over there to mom's house would it have made a difference? Then I think...that's not how GOD wanted it...my mother called me the morning of her death...as if she knew it was going to be her last time speaking with me. I loved my mother dearly and wish I could have told her that, but that again wasn't in GOD's plan! Oh mother! We miss you so much! We love you so much! Our lives have changed drastically....you see my mother was the rock that kept the family together after my grandmother died....now that force has been broken.....I know that each day will get better...WOW! I use to speak to my mother 3 or 4 times a day and know I can only speak to her out loud and don't except a response back! My mother came to the other night while I was sleeping....I asked her was she happy where she was and she said yes, but she said it as if she was sad...I asked if she could walk where she was and she said yes....I said, mommy one more question and then I woke up...part of me feels peace, but the other part feels like my mom is sad to see us hurting....

Beth McHugh (13211) 10 Jan 2009 04:41 PM

Hi Lost in Atlanta, I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your mom. As it happened so recently you are still in a very delicate adjustment period. Try not to focus on the fact that you didn't go over to see her on that last day. Try instead to think about your relationship as a whole, because that is what is was. It was more than just one day. As I have taked about in these blogs on grief, it will take time for you to get pat the death of your mother, yet you are so lucky to have had a mother you loved and were close to. She will still be with you because you two have an unbreakable bond. Every time you think of her she still lives in your heart. Yake comfort but most importantly, take time to gt over this. Best wishes, Beth

Beth McHugh (13211) 11 Jan 2009 01:46 AM

Hi Rowenap, Try your best to focus on your entire relationship with your mother not just the end. The end is just one moment in a string of many moments that you and your mother enjoyed. You cannot be perfect, you cannot be everywhere. I know it was important to you to be with your mother when she died, yet this is not always possible. Talk to her about how you feel, perhpas you can get some pece from just telling her what i is you would have wanted to say. That way it gets out of your head and perhaps, who knows, into a place where she can hear you. In any case, I'm sure you knew in her heart that you loved her dearly. Best wishes, Beth

USAFeyez (5) 21 Jan 2009 12:59 AM

My father is sick and and I am not quite sure how to deal with this appropriately. I can relate to Rowenap as I live on the other side of the county from my dad and this is super tough on me. He is my best friend and we talk all the time. My husband, 15 month old daughter, and I visited home for Christmas and I actually changed my flight to stay with him longer (with my daughter). I guess it was to spend as much time with him as I could (as well as have my daughter have more time with her grandpa)... I didn't want to leave. I feel guilty every time I leave and I feel so guilty for living so far away for the last couple of years and often wonder if I will regret not having that precious time with him. He tells me all the time that I had to move on with my life and start my own family, but it doesn't make it any easier. When I left to come home a couple of weeks ago, it was hard to say goodbye (as it was the time before that). I never know if this is the last time I will see him. I'm scared and am not ready to lose my dad, but I guess we never really are. I am so afraid to recieve that phone call one day. How am I going to sit on a plane for 4 and half or 5 hours to go home to bury my dad? Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough. I try to think positive and know that I am blessed to have had him in my life and for this long... long enough to see me graduate from college, walk me down the aisle, and see his first grandchild. I know that means the world to him as it does me.

Reading this article and other people's stories does help. I have had anxiety issues before and am afraid they will resurface. I don't want to write as if he is gone already, but I'm also trying to face the fact that he is not well and that's real. I feel like I think about this all the time and that doesn't help me any. I know nothing will help take the pain away, but I want to believe and know that in my heart that I will be ok when his time comes. Thank you for writing this article and thanks to everyone who have shared thier personal stories and heartache.

Beth McHugh (13211) 22 Jan 2009 03:20 PM

Hi USAFeyez, when you love parent it is only natural to fear that person's death. In order to make it easier make sure your parent knows you love them long before they die, and you will have left nothing unspoken as nothing is more powerful. When my own parent was dying I made sure I said everything I wanted to say and I also reminded myself that they had also lost their parent and their parent before them. If they could do it, so could I. We all must lose our parents and it is a testimony to your parents that we survive and thrive. You will too. Best wishes, Beth

irishdaddysgirl (5) 10 Feb 2009 07:39 AM

I lost my Dad 5 days ago to a stroke in his brain stem. He was 83 years old. Nine years ago he suffered a hemorragic stroke that most people would have never survived. He was thriving with his recovery, but shortly after his admission to a rehab facility he suffered an ischemic stroke within 6 weeks of his initial stroke. He had been wheel chair bound and then finally bed ridden for the last 6 months of his life. My siblings and I knew that this day would come, and we are all shocked how hard this has been on us. We are all having symptoms of anxiety with bouts of uncontrollable crying. We honestly though we had prepared ourselves for the loss of our father. The brain stem stroke left my father in a PVS connected to a respirator. His neurologist told our family that there was nothing more that we could do for him except to keep him comfortable and the longer we waited to remove his respirator the longer his brain would recover and possibly leave him in a PVS for an extended period of time. It was the most difficult decision that we have ever made. He was surrounded by his children when he died, but I have to tell you, it was the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed. He actually stopped breathing for several minutes and then returned to a normal respiration and blood pressure. His nurse came in and told us to tell him that he could go home. She felt he was hanging on for us. Once we told him we loved him and that it was OK for him to go, he was gone within a minute or two. My Dad and I have always had such a great relationship. I am so torn by the way he went. Part of me is so glad to have been there, and I'm sure I would have regretted not being there had I chose not to be there. But...there is another part of me that regrets being there, because it was just horrible. I know not everyone has the opportunity to be with their parent when they die, and for that I am thankful. I am just wondering how long this horribly raw feeling will last. I can not function properly. I have five children with very busy schedules and the last thing I want to do is sit at their basketball practice or prepare dinner. My husband was also with my siblings and myself at the hospital and he has been wonderful, but nothing is lessening this feeling of despair. I know that the world does not stop for your grief, but I am just wondering when the sun will shine again. I feel helpless and lost. Thank you for listening to me ramble, and for providing an outlet to talk about losing a parent.

Beth McHugh (13211) 16 Feb 2009 04:41 PM

Hi IrishDaddy's Girl, I am so sorry for your loss but please don't expect yourself to be back to normal so soon. It's way too soon. You have just lost your father who you know no life without and it is not realistic to feel any other way than the way that you do. The fact that you loved your father so much will help guide you through this process. Have a read of my other blogs on grief and you will see that it takes at least a year to get back to some sort of equilibrium after the death of a loved one. That doesn't mean you will be crying for a year but it's only been a week for you and you can't just let go of a lifetime relationship in such a short time. In fact if you were functioning well, I would be worried about you! Take it as it comes, cry when you need to to and talk to your siblings and friends about what you feel. Good luck, you will come out of this painful patch. Beth

lam9132 (5) 01 Mar 2009 03:50 PM

I lost my mother in December 2008 to liver failure. She'd never been a drinker, and the cause of the liver failure is unclear. It was so hard to watch her slowly fail and harder to have to put her in a nursing home. My sister quit her job to attend to my mom and my stepdad. Mom was the rock in our family, our "go-to" person, the only one you felt REALLY understood who you were. Her death has been devastating. Since she died, my stepdad has gone progressively downhill. I live four hours from him and my sister, so we moved him just recently to a nursing home by me and my sister is moving in with me. The stress of packing up the home and moving him, and having my sister move in with me has been pretty intense. I work a lot of hours, so my days have been really long. My stepdad is still grieving hard over my mom. He cries everyday and we cry with him. I think I could even deal with all of that -- it's brought my sister and me closer than we've ever been, it's brought out kids closer to each other. However, ever since my mom died, things with my boyfriend of 6 years have been tanking. I didn't want him to come to the funeral (7 hours from his house) because I had so many other people to take care of and I didn't trust him to be there for me. I felt like he would be one more person for me to care for. He hasn't been understanding. I told him that I was feeling emotionally pretty fragile and that for a little while he would need to treat me with extra care and compassion. He hasn't. He's pretty much acted like nothing happened. He hasn't asked how I'm doing. He hasn't hugged me. He gets frustrated when I get teary. I don't understand this reaction from him, but it's making it more difficult to deal with grieving for my mom, caring for my stepdad and moving my sister in. I just really expected a little extra love and care in this situation, but haven't had it. Has anyone else experienced relationship problems with significant others who are not understanding? What do you do about it?

drew_91 (5) 31 May 2009 01:15 AM

ok.. so this site is a desperate attemp of mine. ive just lost my mom 2 and ahalf months ago. im 18 and well basicly she was a saint and strong chritian and had a miracle 4 years ago and was healed of termanl cancer and now in a 4 month period progressivly slipped away and i am now strongly battling my belief in god and am ver hurt about my mom because she was my bestfriend and saftey net how do i handle this stress of turning 18 and stuggling between manhood and childhood and losing the person i thought would be there my whole life

Beth McHugh (13211) 31 May 2009 11:20 PM

Hi Drew, this is a difficult situation for a 48 year old to deal with let alone an 18 year old. So do not expect too much from yourself and allow yourself to grief, cry, punch a punching bag -- what ever it takes to get you through this acute period. Be angry with God, he can take it. Tell him how you feel about losing your mother and talk to others too. Have you got other family members to talk too? A minister perhaps. Because your mother was your best friend, and your safely net, she has provided you with something you can never lose -- her love and the feeling of being loved and wanted. Many do not have this gift that she has given you. You will be alright, but it will take time. All the feelings you feel are perfectly normal and will persist for some time. This is normal too. Your mother lives on in your heart and in your mind, let her guide you as she always has. She has given you an excellent start in life and I know, in time, you will go on to make her proud. It's early days yet in terms of grieving so be gentle with yourself. Best wishes, Beth

JG93 (5) 06 Sep 2009 04:57 AM

My mother died in April of this year, and I still can't believe it. She was diagnosed last September with breast, bone, liver (I've been reading, and I'm guessing what happened is she had liver cancer, and it somehow spread to the lungs too?), and lung cancer (she's never smoked). I was 15 when she was diagnosed, but I never once believed she would die. She was a wonderful mother, and the most godly person I knew. I didn't think God would let her suffer, and die. Apparently, I was wrong. I'm homeschooled, so month by month, my dad and I took care of her the best we could, and watched her get weaker and weaker. But, I still clung a bit desperatly to the fact that God wouldn't kill someone that loved Him so much, and that I still needed her. The doctors told her in September that she wouldn't make it to the end of the year. When December came and went, even though she was weak and obviously sick, she was so happy to have proved them wrong. She figured she could overcome this with God's help (and that gave me more hope that she wouldn't die). From December to April her health declined more and more to the point of needing Hospice to help. She even had to spend her 45th birthday, in March, at the hospital. I had a significant homeschooling test I had to go and take on April 1st, so I remember the next week or so as my last days with her (whether I knew it then, or not). About the 7th, for some reason, her medication made her-- delusionsal I guess you could say. She called out loud for her sister that lives states away, called me her siblings names when I was with her, asked me questions/said things that made no sense to me, and asked for things but when I brought them she denied asking for them. And she always had a look in her eye; like she was looking through you. In a few rare moments of coherency, she told me she loved me and that I was beautiful, and called her little sister and left her a message saying she loved her. I cried so hard those few days because even though I still believed she wouldn't die, I was beginning to dread she might and there would be nothing I could do for her. On April 12th at 12:00am-3:00am I was to and fro, from my room to my mom's room when she called for help. I didn't want to wake my dad up because he hadn't been getting much sleep lately then. Eventually, he got up to help her, and I went to bed for a couple hours sleep till Easter Service at our church that morning. That was the last time I saw my mom alive. Delusional, but alive. At about 11:30am, my dad rushed in my room and woke me up. I don't think I'll ever forget his voice, or how he looked, or even the fact that what he said made no sense to me at all. 'Momma isn't dead, I just saw her a couple hours ago' is what I kept thinking. I intended to go in her room, ready to point out to him that she was just asleep...but it didn't go that way. She was dead. I was so shocked for a while, that I didn't start crying until I went back to my room with my two brothers (both 17) and heard my dad calling Hospice to inform them of her death. I don't know when exactly she died, but it was anywhere from 3am to 11:30am before we realized it. Just a month later, in May, I turned 16 and had to deal with my mother not being with me on such a day for the first time. It's been 5 months, and it still hurts just as much as that day and week of the preparations, but I'm learning to live without her here. Since then I've been angry at God, at myself (for not treasuring her like I could have all these years--heck, even the last few months I could have done MORE for her), at my brothers (by their 'unfazed' sort of attitude towards our mother's death and absence) and at my old school friends (for coming around for the funeral, giving me the idea that I might be able to get through this with my friends back, but then leaving when the dust settled- so to say). Also, I've been very anxious since her death. About anything really. Like, in my eyes my dad has ALWAYS looked the same to me, but since my mom died it's like suddenly he's OLD (he's 62 now), and I'm afraid he'll leave too, and I'll be alone (the brothers don't count). Or I'll be anxious about the weather, or homework. I have NEVER been this way. Before this, I didn't give two thoughts about the weather or my dad's age. Do you think this anxiousness is due to my mother's death or something my own mind has cooked up? Suggestions on dealing with this experience would be helpful. Thanks for reading this and letting me vent. Feedback would be most welcome.

paminorlando (5) 10 Sep 2009 10:55 AM

I had never heard of this before, until earlier today. I lost my mom to colon cancer in April 2009 and lost my dad just last week (August 31). Both had been ill so their deaths were not unexpected. I live in Florida while the rest of my family lives in Pennsylvania. For the past 10 months, I have been "on standby" to fly home for various reasons. I think I have been home 9 times since last Christmas.

I was discussing this with my hair stylist today (I guess they really ARE therapists!) and said I feel oddly "lost", can't really explain it any other way. She mentioned orphan syndrome and this explains it exactly. Since I returned to Florida late last week, I have just felt lost and am having trouble getting back on track and into a routine. I feel a little better now that it's a normal thing to feel and I will stop beating myself up over how I feel. Thank you for sharing!

Beth McHugh (13211) 29 Oct 2009 04:17 PM

Hi JG 93, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your lovely mother. I also apologize for not having replied earlier, I have had logging in problems to the Families computer and I hate to think of you putting on this plea for help and me being unable to access the site to answer you. It is a huge deal to lose your mother at any age, but you are not yet a full adult so it naturally comes at an even greater blow to you. Let me reassure you that the feelings you are having are normal, although they are unpleasant. Can you talk to your Dad about how you are feeling about your mother? Your school friends simply do not understand and will not until it it their time to lose their mothers,. Then they will understand but they cannot now. The anxiety you are feeling is normal but it will be a secondary emotion. That means that it is likely to be anger that your mother died, sadness that she is gone, or, guilt that you didn't do enough (you did!). What this means is that it is too painful for you to look just yet but so it comes out in another way, such as worry about homework or worry that Dad might die. All this is quite normal. If you have no-one to talk to try writing down how you feel. Cry about your mom if you are not doing so. If you ae angry with God for taking her, get angry. He can take it. Let all this pain out and you will find that the weird anxiety feelings with slowly go away. But remember, it takes around a year to get ove the primary grieving process (not the anxiety part) o do not expect too much of yourself over the coming months. Think of your mother and talk to her when you feel really down. This will let a lot of the pain out. I'm sure you will be alright, if you need help contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com but try the things I suggested (talking, crying and writing) and see how that goes. I'm sure your mother is watching over you and the love you have for her will ultimately get you through this. Best wishes, Beth

CorinnaK (9) 09 Nov 2009 05:25 PM

Hi everyone! Im 27 now..I lost my mother when i was 17 to cancer and my father when i was 19 from a freak accident. everything changed after they passed..im also the only child so i had nobody left..i felt so alone..i started drinking heavy and by the time i was 22 i was a full blown heroin junkie...i totally isolated myself from the whole world. i havent had a normal healthy relationship ever since..i dont think i ever will get married or have children of my own! i know if my parents would see me now they would be soo dissappointed and sad..my mother had such big dreams for me..i was a straight A student for a long time. after they passed i didnt even finish school... About 3 moths ago i went to rehab and i havent touched a drug since which is a long time for me! People say grieving becomes easier in time..but its been 10 years now and i feel like its getting only worst.. I would give ANYTHING to be with them again..im so ashamed of what has become out of me..i know if my parents were still alive i would have a normal life with a career, husband and probably children of my own..but i dont see all that in my future now..I dont allow people to get close to me...someone said once its probably cause im scared to loose people..which makes sense but i dont know if thats true..Not one day goes by where i dont dream about my parents especially my mother..i dont know if i will ever get over it and have a normal life..im not sure if im even capable of loving other people..i dont even know why i wrote all this, but i would like to know if theres others out there where the loss of their parents impacted their life in such way...

Beth McHugh (13211) 10 Nov 2009 12:11 AM

Hi Corrinak, thanks for posting this and congratulations on going into rehab and your success. Your parents would be proud of you because doing that is harder and better than being a corporate boss. You are a success...you just dont't see it. As for the greiving, I think that grieving is largely a taboo subect in our society and you will find that htier are many people greiving for decades after the death of a loved one. The pain doesn't go away, it just alters. Perhaps you did not grieve enoughat the start...I don't know... many people just try to get on with it or are forced by spciety to do so. So I don't beleive your life is without hope, I think you are in a very big boat. A big boat full ofother greiving people living in slience because we are not "allowed" to grieve for too long. Keep going, you are doing so well. I am proud of you, I know your journey is a hard one and therefopre all the more valuable. Best wishes, Beth