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How Children Learn the Cycle of Violence

The Cycle of Violence is a pattern of behavior that occurs in many relationships. It is insidious, refuses to use clear communication, and relies on people reacting through behaviors rather than clearly identifying and calmly stating their case. Why are so many adults sucked into the Cycle of Violence? Because they have learnt it as children. This is how it goes… Mum awoke this morning with conviction anew. During the night she had slept badly, worried that she was yelling at the kids too much. Leaping out of bed, eager to start a new day, she said aloud to her … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: part 7, Stand Over.

This is the last part of the Cycle of Violence. It is the culmination of the insidious and convincing trick behaviors that have occurred during Explosion, Remorse, Buy Back, Honeymoon, Normal, and Tension Build Up. The tension in the air has become so great that the home is like a powder keg. Every waking minute, the household members live in fear of an explosion. People speak in hushed tones, they become hypervigilant and keep a check on where the perpetrator is, and they wait. The moment he enters the scene they know there’s going to be trouble. It may be … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: part 6, Tension Build Up.

Yesterday in “Normal”, we saw the cyclic behavior beginning to slip back to old and habitual ways of operating. You may remember that the mother said nothing about her partner’s outburst at the children. She instead just thought that his behavior was a bit tough. He’d been trying so hard that she didn’t want to be negative and spoil the positive changes that he had made. However, his outburst is the first indicator that the behavior is on a downhill slide and that the household is beginning to become unsafe. During the Tension Build Up stage of the relationship, tensions … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: Part 5, Normal

I have always had difficulty with the name of this stage of the cycle. I question if it is normal behavior that occurs. I wonder if it should be called habitual behaviour rather than normal behavior. During this stage, things begin to slip back to normal. It takes so much energy to keep up remorse, buyback and honeymoon that the perpetrator will begin to let his guard down. His behavior slips back to the old ways that he had been promising to lose. As an example, if during buyback the perpetrator had promised that the family would have a together … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: part 4, Honeymoon.

Like Buyback, Honeymoon is also a lovely part of the Cycle of Violence. It is the stage where any promises made during Buyback may actually be kept, once or twice. It is a stage of upping the anti around trapping you into staying in the claws of the Cycle of Violence. During Honeymoon, all appears well. The perpetrator is attentive to your every need. He treats you and your children well. He may go to counseling. He may begin to change his behavior. He may even stop himself at times, rephrase his words, and apologize for falling back to his … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence” Part 3, Buyback

Yesterday we had a look at the Remorse stage in the Cycle of Violence. Today we move onto Buyback. Buyback is the behavioural stage where the perpetrator of violence showers the victim with promises, gifts and love. It is a process of buying back favors, a way of saying, “I’m sorry. Forgive me.” While this sounds nice, it is a manipulative ploy. It is no more than a stage in the Cycle of Violence that will lead to further violence. Buyback often offers bunches of flowers, bottles of wine, inspirational cards of love, or promises of going to counseling. The … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: Part 2, Remorse

Yesterday we looked at the Explosion phase in the Cycle of Violence. Following the explosion, the perpetrator goes into a psychological deep period of deep remorse. At this stage, the remorse often appears genuine. They come home, look around them, and see the damage they have caused, the fear or disgust in the eyes of their family. The perpetrator commonly feels desperate and ashamed. Typical responses from the perpetrator may be: • “Why do you stay with me? I’m such a loser.” • “I am so sorry. I love you. I will never do that again. I don’t know what … Continue reading →