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What Would You Not Forgive – Part 2?

Yesterday I told you of the discussion four of us had about what we would not forgive or would struggle to forgive. The other thing both of us the women in the group mentioned was domestic violence. I’d find it hard to live with a man who took out his frustration and anger on me in violent ways. You’d always be walking on eggshells wondering what next would set him off. I say he, because although abuse of husband by wives does happen, it is less common. With domestic violence there is often a pattern where the violent act is … Continue reading →

How Children Learn the Cycle of Violence

The Cycle of Violence is a pattern of behavior that occurs in many relationships. It is insidious, refuses to use clear communication, and relies on people reacting through behaviors rather than clearly identifying and calmly stating their case. Why are so many adults sucked into the Cycle of Violence? Because they have learnt it as children. This is how it goes… Mum awoke this morning with conviction anew. During the night she had slept badly, worried that she was yelling at the kids too much. Leaping out of bed, eager to start a new day, she said aloud to her … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: part 7, Stand Over.

This is the last part of the Cycle of Violence. It is the culmination of the insidious and convincing trick behaviors that have occurred during Explosion, Remorse, Buy Back, Honeymoon, Normal, and Tension Build Up. The tension in the air has become so great that the home is like a powder keg. Every waking minute, the household members live in fear of an explosion. People speak in hushed tones, they become hypervigilant and keep a check on where the perpetrator is, and they wait. The moment he enters the scene they know there’s going to be trouble. It may be … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: Part 5, Normal

I have always had difficulty with the name of this stage of the cycle. I question if it is normal behavior that occurs. I wonder if it should be called habitual behaviour rather than normal behavior. During this stage, things begin to slip back to normal. It takes so much energy to keep up remorse, buyback and honeymoon that the perpetrator will begin to let his guard down. His behavior slips back to the old ways that he had been promising to lose. As an example, if during buyback the perpetrator had promised that the family would have a together … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence” Part 3, Buyback

Yesterday we had a look at the Remorse stage in the Cycle of Violence. Today we move onto Buyback. Buyback is the behavioural stage where the perpetrator of violence showers the victim with promises, gifts and love. It is a process of buying back favors, a way of saying, “I’m sorry. Forgive me.” While this sounds nice, it is a manipulative ploy. It is no more than a stage in the Cycle of Violence that will lead to further violence. Buyback often offers bunches of flowers, bottles of wine, inspirational cards of love, or promises of going to counseling. The … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: Part 2, Remorse

Yesterday we looked at the Explosion phase in the Cycle of Violence. Following the explosion, the perpetrator goes into a psychological deep period of deep remorse. At this stage, the remorse often appears genuine. They come home, look around them, and see the damage they have caused, the fear or disgust in the eyes of their family. The perpetrator commonly feels desperate and ashamed. Typical responses from the perpetrator may be: • “Why do you stay with me? I’m such a loser.” • “I am so sorry. I love you. I will never do that again. I don’t know what … Continue reading →

The Cycle of Violence: Part 1, The Explosion

Domestic and family violence is an act of abuse. It is a gendered crime, which means that many more men than women perpetrate the violence. It is an act of power designed to create fear in the victims and compliance with the perpetrators perceived power. Domestic and Family Violence is against the law. The Cycle of Violence is a pattern of behaviour that occurs in many relationships: husband/wife, father/child, mother /child, friend/friend, employer and employee. The cycle follows a particular pattern and gets quicker in completion each time the cycle restarts. Whereas the cycle may take 12 months to first … Continue reading →

Attitudes Portray that Rapists Can’t Control Urges

A recent study of 2000 Victorian (Australia) adults supports that ALMOST two in five people think that men who rape do so because they can’t control their urges. The Violence Against Women Community Attitudes Project also discovered that one in four people believe domestic violence is acceptable as long as the perpetrator genuinely regrets it afterwards. Is it any wonder then that one in five women will experience intimate partner violence in their relationship? Chief Executive Officer of VicHealth, Dr Rob Moodie, sadly stated that the attitudinal figures showed negative attitudes that cause harm to women are still prevalent in … Continue reading →