The best gift a father can give his child

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

25 Oct 2006 12:53 AM

I was talking recently to a very dear friend who dropped this pearl of wisdom into the conversation: "The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother."

The friend couldn't remember where she had heard this saying, but it didn't matter. The wisdom in these few words is both concise and profound. Think about that sentence again: "The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother."

Really, in terms of the bigger picture, this says it all. In loving the mother, he will, by definition, love the child. Yet in loving the mother, he also sets up a profound sense of peace and stability in the child that is irreplaceable. For children who come from a stable, loving background, this may not seem of fundamental importance. That is because they have experienced the deep peace that comes from having grown up in a loving environment and know of no other way of being.

But for adult children of difficult or fractured backgrounds, the head nods in agreement. There was little sense of peace in such an upbringing. This lack of security plays out in later life. It affects relationships at school, relationships at work and, most importantly, love relationships. Not having a sense of childhood stability makes the adolescent and adult individual needy and insecure, and effectively limits their choice of suitable partners. Often children of unstable parental relationships will go on unwittingly to provide unstable homes for their own children, thus repeating the pattern.

A father who loves his children's mother also sets up a valuable template for both his sons and his daughters. For his sons, he displays a role model which the growing male can take as his own model for treating all the women in his life, from his mother and sisters, to his ultimate life partner.

Such a father also provides a role model for his daughters. Here the impressionable young woman can witness in the comfort of their own home all that they should expect from the men in their lives. They also learn by definition what they should not have to put up with. Having a father who loves your mother makes you more likely to go on to choose a man who will truly love you.

Finally, in giving his children this great gift, he is also demonstrating the very opposite of what some parents believe is good parenting. He is giving the intangible gift of love, not toys, gifts, and endless monetary handouts. Intangible the gift of love may be, but children soak up this invisible commodity like candy. They love it, because they inherently know it is what they need to thrive.

So fathers, show your children that you love their mother. Be as demonstrative as you know how. Stand next to her as you journey through life. The trickle-down effect of loving your partner will envelop your children in a cloak of love that will shield them from much of the harshness of life and encourage them to make better life choices.

There is no greater gift that you can give your children.

Associated articles: Don't give your children everything

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Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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Gwyllum (301) 25 Oct 2006 05:49 AM

That is so lovely, Beth. So true.

clifpi (190) 25 Oct 2006 07:50 AM

I think this article is great. I am a single dad so I do have a question. If you are no longer with the mother and moved on to another relationship, how do you show the mother love without offending your new partner?

Beth McHugh (13216) 25 Oct 2006 03:00 PM

Thanks Gwyllum, I was so impressed by the quote I just had to write a blog about it! Glad you enjoyed it.

Beth McHugh (13216) 25 Oct 2006 03:10 PM

Clifpi, you are in an excellent position to offer a good template on how a divorced father can still "love" the mother of his children. Although you no longer "love" your wife in the way you used to, you can still show that you love her as a fellow human. Here you need to show respect for her in front of your children and provide a united front. This will promote stability for your children, even though you are no longer physically living with them. Do not run your ex-partner down in front of them. If you have a disagreement with her, talk to her about it alone. Communicate what you are trying to achieve with your new partner. Hopefully, she will want what is best for all of you, including your children. Sometimes counseling may be needed if partner #2 becomes threatened by your ongoing interest in the original family group. Remember, that is their problem, not yours. It can be a challenge to maintain a healthy, respectful attitude to your original partner, but as you're asking, I would say you will be able to acheive it.

Lucky7 (190) 26 Oct 2006 04:24 PM

Great article! Don't give your children everything is also great.

Beth McHugh (13216) 26 Oct 2006 11:15 PM

Thanks, Lucky7, I appreciate your feedback. The saying around which this blog is based is a very powerful one and has struck a nerve with many people.

Jeff Bogle (1022) 21 Feb 2007 12:36 PM

I could not agree more with this idea. So simple, but so overlooked in a modern world that has some parent's chasing down material items to make their kids happy. Young girls need to see a constant example of what a real good man is and how women deserve to be treated. No better place to witness all of this than the home. So crucial to the positive development of a young lady. Thanks!

Beth McHugh (13216) 24 Feb 2007 06:45 PM

And to a young man, as well!!

NPC (15) 28 May 2008 05:09 PM

This post is for those who follow: 31 year old male and I can't say for sure if this reality would have changed my life or how; but I lived the flip side of the coin (i.e. broken home, volatile upbringing and a father that thought $money$ was the power behind love). I gotta say from this side of the fence that I read this article it sure made wonder at possibilities. See at 31 I find myself having given up on all relationships (i.e. don't bother dating, making friends, going out, etc.). I work and then I DVD on an average day and none of that makes me interact with those filthy humans. So the question stands, "Would I have been different in a stable household?". This article makes me believe that I could have been different, my disgruntled view of relations and humans on a whole says, "Nope would have gotten here eventually". (In my defense, I've only read about 18 months of Beth's Blog to this point, but my current stance has me asking Nature or Nuture, Beth you got a page or 2 on that?)

Beth McHugh (13216) 28 May 2008 06:32 PM

Hi NPC, Feeling loved and cherished as a child gives a person an immense advantage in life. So, it is likely you would have at least been happier in a stable household. Yet, as adults, we have to let go of our childhood legacy and take responsibility for our own lives. It is not fair that some people are born into loving families and others quite the opposite, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. Even children from happy stable homes can end up with miserable lives due to life circumstances and bad choices. There are some "filthy humans" out there and I deal with clients who suffer at the hands of these people. Yet the human spirit can overcome much adversity. I'm sorry to hear that you have given up on relationships. I can understand that, I really can. Yet it is also a choice of yours. I don't really believe you have really lost all hope, you wouldn't be reading my blogs if you had! As for the nature versus nurture debate, both factors are important, and we must never loose sight of how our own thinking shapes our reality.