The Aging Narcissistic Parent (2)by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger 01 Sep 2007 04:38 PM The person who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder finds the aging process more difficult to deal with than the average person. Looks fade, the body no longer responds like that of a young healthy person, and the mind is no longer as sharp as it once was. All this contributes to an increasing sense of entitlement of the behalf of the narcissist. Entitlement simply means that the person believes that they are entitled to special treatment; in fact, they should get it as a matter of course without having to ask for it. Many teenagers display this trait but happily grow out of it to become mature adults who see that the other person has needs and rights of their own. No so with the narcissist, because in the narcissist's world, no-one really exists except for them. All others are there to do their biding and those who will not bid accordingly are dismissed, despised and discarded. It is this latter behavior that is so frightening to a child. The very thought that if they do not go on pleasing the narcissistic parent they will be ignored and therefore unloved is terrifying. Hence the narcissistic parent has a powerful hold on the emotions of their child, even when that child has become an adult with children of their own. The first step in extricating yourself from the tentacles of an overly demanding narcissistic parent is admitting that your parent suffers from NPD. This is not as easy as it may sound, as many a child of a narcissist will tell you. It is extremely difficult for an adult child to come to grips with the fact that their parent never did, and never will, love them in the way that they needed and wanted to be loved. Of course, this feeling is not exclusive to children of narcissists. It is a process that comes as a by-product of many situations that may be present in childhood. Once the admission is made and the resultant anger is addressed, practical steps are needed to enable the adult child to successfully live in the same world as their narcissistic parent. You must be aware of your own "hooks", you must always remember who you are dealing with, and the powerful methods they employ to keep you right where they want you. It is unrealistic to think that you can "be yourself" in the presence of a narcissist and not be engulfed and spat out by them. You need to cultivate psychological armor that you can don each time you have contact with your parent. You must learn a different way of dealing with this person, one that you do not use in dealing with others. Sometimes, it is impossible to adequately do this, and some adult children choose to have no contact at all with their parent. In coming articles we will look at options for those wishing to remain in contact with these potentially destructive people. Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue. Related Articles: The Aging Narcissistic Parent (1) Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother Narcissism - Symptoms and Treatment (1) What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Dealing with a Narcissitic Family Member Dealing with the Office Psychopath Learn more about Beth McHugh  Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher. Relevantmental health tags children | Kids | relationships | family | marriage | pregnancy | parenting | sex | christmas | Scrapbooking User Comments LonelyIsolated (10) 28 Dec 2008 10:49 PMHello Beth, I have been going to therapy for 20 years and just recently broke out of sever depression. I find it very difficult to escape from my mothers reach as she is always needing things and pretends to come and visit for my benefit when she really wants something. She asks people for things she does not even need just to get attention and have them catering to her 'needs'. I get sick seeing people fall for it, yet I am also 'falling' for it as I am still afraid of her rages. Whenever I disagree, she gets argumentative, says I do not 'love her' (what has that got to do with love?) and makes a huge scene so people think I am the evil one. I am just so tired and lonely and afraid to start a new relationship because I have had so many failures and because my mother 'chases away' any woman I find to love. She says the woman is never good enough for me, so I am stuck, catering to my mother....I am losing hope about living my future out and think of just dying. I have no energy for anything anymore.... My sister takes her side and just says I need to help my mother, though my sister lives 2500 km's from my mother....  Beth McHugh (13186) 05 Jan 2009 03:54 AMHi Lonely and Isolated, is your therapist aware of the nature of your mother's illness? And have they offered you coping skills to deal with the manipulations of your mother? In order to successfully deal with your mother you will need to set firm boundaries with her and this will be difficult at first and more tantrums will erupt. There is hope to break out of this cycle you are in with your mother, and in reality the power she has over you is really only the power you give her. This notion seems difficult to grasp as sh seems to have so much power but it is the truth. You can lead a happy life and be independent of your mother and her attempts to ruin your love life. You can contact me but ask your existing therapist about setting more effective boundaries with your mother. Thi includes not listening to your sister, as she is buffereted by the distance between her and your mother ans does not have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Best wishes, Beth sadme (7) 25 Jul 2009 04:57 PMI am finding this site & identifying strongly with being a child of narcissistic parent. My mother is 83 and legally blind, dependent on me. My siblings refuse to help. I am drowning in resentment, anger and guilt but mostly anger & resentment. I don't know how to recover. On the other hand, she is old & blind and must have help. I am 56, overweight, unhappy and want them all to die and leave me alone. I can't help my horrible thoughts. Grizelda (235) 14 Oct 2009 11:45 PMOh Sadme - I haven't checked here in ages and hadn't seen your post. Beth has had some computer problems, and hopefully they'll be sorted and she can help you. In the meantime, I can really identify with your situation (or I could a few months ago - I've been No Contact since February.) I'm 54, overweight too, struggling with low energy and toxic levels of anxiety - I have a disabled son (visually impaired) who lives at home and I'm homeschooling him (he's 17 - and we're doing 11th grade work.) The stress of working with and worrying ABOUT him, combined with my mother's ever increasing demands, even though she's in an assisted living, was keeping me furious all the time. I'd lie in bed and tell her off, over and over, but never found the courage to do it to her face. I did find the courage to write her a letter with a set of "demands" -- I told her what I would do for her (in a list) and even said that if she had a special request, she should make it in a letter or leave a message on my phone, but I HAD to have 24 hours to think about it - and if I thought she could get it down some other way, or if it was frivolous, I was going to start saying No. I know how IMPOSSIBLE this situation can be -- but is it possible to explain to her what [reasonable] things you're willing to do for her -- what things you want her to get OTHER people to do for her, including your sisters. And if they won't do their assigned parts, then it shouldn't be your job to jump in and do their part. Oh it's just such a mess. I think I've heard that experts can be hired to come in and organize a delegation of duties among all an elder's children and other relatives, so that it's meted out fairly - a 3rd party. If you can afford an elder-care specialist, is there a 3rd party friend or cousin who might intervene, so you don't have to be the bad-guy all by yourself? I'm so worried about you. Is there any way you can just move and set up your life far away, where she can't over-use or abuse you. You could visit a few times a year, and while there, do whatever you were WILLING to do to help, but say, sorry, that's it - the rest would be up to your sibling(s) or to social workers. Does she have enough money for assisted living or nursing home--are all the sibs in a financial position to pitch in? If it's a true "nursing hom", Medicaid will often pay the whole bill unless there are significant assets- and even they can be transferred to someone else's name - and then, in a few years, those transferred assets won't count anymore. Well, I'm rambling and brainstorming, and you probably know already. I do hope you don't live in the same house with her. That's just untenable - it would be better to have one room in a rooming house than to live in the same house/apt with an NPD mom. Please take care of Yourself!! AND BEST OF LUCK. Also, please come back and let us know how things are going for you! We've all been where you are and we care! Beth McHugh (13186) 15 Oct 2009 02:06 AMHi Sadme and also Grizelda for your input while the Families computer has been having hiccups. Sadme, there is a way out of this situation but it is no wonder that you are feeling out of control of your life. Your mother appears to hold all the power and your sibling have left you holding the bag. In reality your mother only has the power you allow hr but when you have been brought up by an NPD mother, this seems hard to believe because of the years of careful training and grooming you have undergone. Many have been in your situation and taken control, you can too. I'm glad you derived some comfort form the blogs and all the contributors comments. If you need extra help you can always contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Keep reading and learning all you can about the disorder. Best wishes, Beth Beth McHugh (13186) 22 Oct 2009 05:29 PMJust a reminder to all readers of the narcissism blogs that I have set up a forum specifically for adult children of NPDs. You can find it under "Forums" at my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth Community Tags aging parents, acuse a memeber of the family of, Dear SADME I have just discover, elderly parents, Have just realised it was writte, just finding this identity for t, maybe you could join me by proxy, narcissitic personality disorder, narcissism, NPD father, parenting, sadme Discuss this article
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