The Aging Narcissistic Parent (2)

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

01 Sep 2007 04:38 PM

The person who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder finds the aging process more difficult to deal with than the average person. Looks fade, the body no longer responds like that of a young healthy person, and the mind is no longer as sharp as it once was.

All this contributes to an increasing sense of entitlement of the behalf of the narcissist. Entitlement simply means that the person believes that they are entitled to special treatment; in fact, they should get it as a matter of course without having to ask for it. Many teenagers display this trait but happily grow out of it to become mature adults who see that the other person has needs and rights of their own. No so with the narcissist, because in the narcissist's world, no-one really exists except for them. All others are there to do their biding and those who will not bid accordingly are dismissed, despised and discarded.

It is this latter behavior that is so frightening to a child. The very thought that if they do not go on pleasing the narcissistic parent they will be ignored and therefore unloved is terrifying. Hence the narcissistic parent has a powerful hold on the emotions of their child, even when that child has become an adult with children of their own.

The first step in extricating yourself from the tentacles of an overly demanding narcissistic parent is admitting that your parent suffers from NPD. This is not as easy as it may sound, as many a child of a narcissist will tell you. It is extremely difficult for an adult child to come to grips with the fact that their parent never did, and never will, love them in the way that they needed and wanted to be loved. Of course, this feeling is not exclusive to children of narcissists. It is a process that comes as a by-product of many situations that may be present in childhood.

Once the admission is made and the resultant anger is addressed, practical steps are needed to enable the adult child to successfully live in the same world as their narcissistic parent. You must be aware of your own "hooks", you must always remember who you are dealing with, and the powerful methods they employ to keep you right where they want you. It is unrealistic to think that you can "be yourself" in the presence of a narcissist and not be engulfed and spat out by them. You need to cultivate psychological armor that you can don each time you have contact with your parent. You must learn a different way of dealing with this person, one that you do not use in dealing with others. Sometimes, it is impossible to adequately do this, and some adult children choose to have no contact at all with their parent.

In coming articles we will look at options for those wishing to remain in contact with these potentially destructive people.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Related Articles:

The Aging Narcissistic Parent (1)

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

Narcissism - Symptoms and Treatment (1)

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Dealing with a Narcissitic Family Member

Is Your Boss a Psychopath?

Dealing with the Office Psychopath

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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LonelyIsolated (10) 28 Dec 2008 10:49 PM

Hello Beth, I have been going to therapy for 20 years and just recently broke out of sever depression. I find it very difficult to escape from my mothers reach as she is always needing things and pretends to come and visit for my benefit when she really wants something. She asks people for things she does not even need just to get attention and have them catering to her 'needs'. I get sick seeing people fall for it, yet I am also 'falling' for it as I am still afraid of her rages. Whenever I disagree, she gets argumentative, says I do not 'love her' (what has that got to do with love?) and makes a huge scene so people think I am the evil one. I am just so tired and lonely and afraid to start a new relationship because I have had so many failures and because my mother 'chases away' any woman I find to love. She says the woman is never good enough for me, so I am stuck, catering to my mother....I am losing hope about living my future out and think of just dying. I have no energy for anything anymore.... My sister takes her side and just says I need to help my mother, though my sister lives 2500 km's from my mother....

Beth McHugh (12962) 05 Jan 2009 03:54 AM

Hi Lonely and Isolated, is your therapist aware of the nature of your mother's illness? And have they offered you coping skills to deal with the manipulations of your mother? In order to successfully deal with your mother you will need to set firm boundaries with her and this will be difficult at first and more tantrums will erupt. There is hope to break out of this cycle you are in with your mother, and in reality the power she has over you is really only the power you give her. This notion seems difficult to grasp as sh seems to have so much power but it is the truth. You can lead a happy life and be independent of your mother and her attempts to ruin your love life. You can contact me but ask your existing therapist about setting more effective boundaries with your mother. Thi includes not listening to your sister, as she is buffereted by the distance between her and your mother ans does not have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Best wishes, Beth