The Aging Narcissistic Parent (1)

Judi1949 (15) 19 Aug 2007 11:59 AM

Beth, Good article that describes the difficult childhood of many of us with a similar mother. What is frustrating slow is knowing what NPD is intellectually and emotionally coming to terms with it. I intellectually understand that I have a sick mother who did the best she could and have a plan in place to set limits while not cutting her off totally but emtionally, I still feel anxious, sad, and tired a lot 2 months later. I feel like this is similar to coping with a death. I see my counselor in 2 weeks but wondered whether medication eases the pain until time and talk heals the wounds.

Beth McHugh (12962) 19 Aug 2007 04:48 PM

Judi, you ARE experiencing a type of death, if you have finally (at least intellectually) come to terms with the idea that your mother has NPD. After only two months, it's quite normal for you to be going through a whole raft of emotions. As with a normal death,you do not need medication to ease the pain. In fact, it will only slow the healing process. Two months is early days in adjusting to this new knowledge. Stick with it, you're feeling and acting in an entirely appropriate way. I'm sure your counselor will reinforce that.

movingon65 (6) 05 Nov 2007 01:21 PM

Dr McHugh, I feel that you can really help me. I am 42 yo and realize that I have to develop a certain frame of mind in dealing with my mother to have any peace

Beth McHugh (12962) 05 Nov 2007 02:48 PM

Hi Movingon65, dealing with a narcissistic parent can be extremely difficult given the hurt and confusion they can cause in their children. You are correct in thinking that you need to regard your mother in a whole different light. It's not easy, but it can be done! If you feel I could be of help to you, please contact me at my website: http://youronlinecounselor.com

Notabrat (30) 15 Jan 2008 12:25 PM

Is there anyone else here who feels that the day their narcisstic mother dies will be a day of huge relief, joy and reason for celebration? I have to really discipline myself to remember that, even at 75- my mother is very healthy, and could easily live for another 20 or 25 years. I tend to dream of "the day she dies" the way other people daydream of winning the lottery.

cocolabelle (5) 29 May 2008 08:37 AM

I have been dealing with the discovery that my mom has NPD too. She has completely missed her grandchildren's lives despite the fact that I served her in many ways, cleaning her house, helping her garden, letting her drink alcohol while watching my children, and many more humiliating things. I find out in the end she thinks I am a horrible mother "who's never done anything good for my children" because I dont work and stayed home to raise them. I have initiated discussions with her and have found out that she thinks I rejected her--at the age of 2!!!!! How am I supposed to respond to that?! Right now I am trying to overcome feelings of being a mentally ill loser that she has put on me. I keep seeing myself, as she sees me!! That is what I dont know how to heal.

Beth McHugh (12962) 29 May 2008 04:26 PM

Hi Cocolabelle, dealing with a narcissistic mother is one of life's great challenges, since it shapes you from birth. Children of narcissists can have no idea of what is really wrong with their parent and so come away with a sense of not being good enough. But it also involves so more than that. There is an incredible need to please, sometimes this need for love dominates the child's life right through to adulthood. Have you read all the articles I have written on NPD? You will find them by clicking on Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the category list on the right side of this page. These articles will give you further information on how narcissists function. If you think you would benefit from counseling in order to re-establish your sense of self apart from your mother, you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

rosem1111 (45) 29 Jul 2008 06:36 PM

I have had difficulties all my life and still am not sure what is because of me or outside actions impacting on me. It has been a case of now you see it, now you don't, but I am a survivor after a fashion and have kept trying to cope. Some times are worse than others. I am in one such time now though not just because of my elderly narcissistic mother (but is she?: now I see it, now I don't). My husband and two sisters in particular seem to be narcissistic and I suspect one of my daughters is. So there are a range of problems I need to cope with, some quite serious as whether I should divorce my husband (for significant reasons).

Currently my mother is back in hospital. It doesn't seem that there is a serious problem. She just sat on the side of her bed two days ago and announced (she "announces" things) that she couldn't move.

This is how my visit to her last night went: She talked in a loud voice at us, her visitors - note the "at", but that's typical - she always talks at people. I think her voice was extra loud as there were these other patients in the room and she is a drama queen, I'd say, never so happy as when she is the center of attention.

She talked about how x rays showed her knees weren't broken (why should they be?) and talked of how she expects to be in hospital for quite a while. She touched on maybe not going home. She started talking about how a pair of angels on her sideboard are for two of my girls and started to cry. Can't say I felt sympathetic. I felt guilty afterwards after we left, though it was such a ....well, you know, another drama; a con. She stopped when I asked if she was planning on dying. Actually she looks pretty good. She starts physiotherapy tomorrow. I said "Good" :) . She won't need it for her tongue. I think she is enjoying it where she is. And she has a good view of the nurses' station. Should keep her amused and up to tricks.

There was an incident when one woman had trouble getting back into her high bed. She got stuck sitting on the edge and looked as if she might slip off. She called out to the woman in the next bed for assistance and I heard and realised something was wrong. I asked mother to shush indicating there was this problem going on, but mother just kept talking and talking, launching forth more about whatever crossed her mind - it was not intereactive in the slightest. I asked her to shush again, saying there was a problem. I had to butt into mothers talking to do this and she did not like this and kept talking. I butted in again and my mother snapped that the two women were just talking. It was obvious they were not and I said so. Mother started repeatedly bellowing at the woman to push her call button but it was obvious she was needing both hands to stop falling off the bed. My (narcissistic also?) told mother off (as she is wont to) and said her loud voice was embarassing "people". It wasn't embarassing me; I just wanted the focus to go where it should be. But mother's loudness is hard to take, as is her constant talking. It makes me more queasy than embarassed. I find it stressful. And it detracts from trying to deal with something.

Everyone else realised there was a problem and my sister told her daughter to get a nurse. I would have if I wasn't hemmed in. Then the nurse came and struggled to get the poor woman into bed. It was awful as she has little strength though she really struggled and the bed was so high and sloping. She almost rolled off the bed head over heels. I got a good look at her legs right up to her knickers. The poor woman was 90 years old ! That would have been some fall.

Mother resumed her monologue. I decided I had had enough and made my exit with a quiet assent from husband, simply saying civilly that I had to go.

A relevant word may be narcissistic. A word that will be used is dementia. I don't know how those poor women in her room can possibly stand her. They are frail but not senile. I certainly find her just too much. And I am currently feeling very burdened.

Beth McHugh (12962) 30 Jul 2008 04:57 PM

Hi again, Rosem, as narcissists age, so the narcissism increases. These scenarios you describe do sound like typical narcissistic tendencies, and whether she has full-blown NPD or not, she certainly sounds like an emotionally manipulative person. So feelings of guilt, anger, rage and sadness will likely be familiar to you. I wouldn't worry too much about the ladies in the room with her, but you would certainly benefit from learning to set healthy boundaries with your mother in order for you to have peace. Contact me if you need to. Best wishes, Beth

lovepoodles (10) 28 Apr 2009 07:53 PM

My brothers and I just lost our NPD mother 3 weeks ago. She was married to our father for less than 10 years. He was never a part of our lives, so she was our only parent. I am 52, my brothers are 57 and 59. It has been a long and difficult life for us all. We learned early to laugh often and to keep our feelings private. We always had each other to confide in. I am personally interested in how other women have coped with the lose of their NPD mother. Though I do not miss her, my feelings are still somewhat confussed. I did distance myself from her as my husband is retired military and we never lived close to her. I do feel guilty that my oldest brother and his family had to deal with her in the last 10 years of her life because she moved to be closer to them. I am not experiencing the typical process of loss and grief that I have felt with other loved ones that have died. I'm wondering what other adult daughters have felt at the death of their Narcissitic mother?

Beth McHugh (12962) 07 May 2009 06:25 PM

Hi Lovepoodles, it is possible that you have already gone through the grieving process with your mother long ago and by that I mean accepting that she was not the mother you wanted. Therefore her death is merely a physical formality to the death of the emotional bond between you. On the other hand, her death is so recent that there may be grieving issues that come up later in life for you. Time will tell. Best wishes, Beth

lovepoodles (10) 08 May 2009 04:17 PM

Thank you Beth, for your insights. I believe you may be right about the process of grief. When my brothers and I realized about 20 years ago that our mother had mental health issues, we all experienced sadness. We each dealt with it differently, and we have all moved on. As we talked about it at her funeral, we all felt a sense of peace. It sounds so harsh to admitt, but we look forward to the future and spending quality, happy times together. Something we were unable to do when she was alive. Have you found Beth, that daughters typically are treated differently than sons, by their narcissistic mother? I wouldn't say that she treated any of us better or worse, just differently. She really hated it that we all got along so well, it almost seemed like she was jealous. Do you have recommendations of other articles or books on NPD? My mothers remaining brother and sister are very similar to her and we have adult cousins who, like us, want to understand why all of our parents were so dysfunctional. We know that our Grandfather, their father, was a sex offender, could this be a big part of it? Thank you for your time Beth, I appreciate your response.

Beth McHugh (12962) 10 May 2009 06:09 PM

Hi Lovepoodles, there is often trauma in the early childhood of an NPD sufferer, plus there is some evidence that there is a genetic component to the disorder. But with the latter, it is hard to tease out how much is genes and how much is learning. It is not uncommon for NPD to run in families however. Daughters do seem to cop the worst of the narcissistic rage, but that is more an observation that a hard and fast statistic. The mother is certainly in more direct competition with a daughter than a son and that could be one of the results. Having said that there are other families where one daughter is "selected" to be the scapegoat of the mother while the others are not treated particularly badly. In the latter case, this is usually a factor of the personality of the affected daughter, where the NPD mother senses that this is the one she can have power over and she will take advantage of that situation. It does sound like much of your grieving has been done, particularly as you were aware long ago that your mother had a mental disorder. Hope it stays that way for you! Best wishes, Beth