Suicide: My Thoughts on One Caseby Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger 04 Mar 2007 01:01 AM
The woman in question who took her own life left no note, so the family had no concrete explanation for why she decided to take her own life. Naturally they were upset. I did not know the woman involved but I knew one of her friends. This particular friend was extremely angry at the woman who suicided. This is a natural way of coping with the enormity of the situation. Yet the level of verbal violence by others regading the deceased was incomprehensible. And, of course, out came the "S" word. Selfish. As I mentioned in Suicide: What Do You Think of It? the deceased is commonly regarded as being selfish in taking their own life. I also mentioned that I once naively believed that sentiment myself. I didn't really give it much thought back then. In fact, that was the trouble. But getting back to the recent suicide, I was appalled to hear that some family members declined to attend the funeral because they were so angry with the deceased. This rang a few alarm bells for me, the first being: Where are their feelings for the deceased's grieving family? Do they not wish to show support for these unfortunate folk? Are they so wrapped up in their own needs that they cannot put them aside to assist the grieving spouse and offspring who, by definition, must surely be the most affected by the death? The number of people who claimed that the deceased was selfish was also sad. Now that I have had the experience of working with distressed people, I understand completely why people commit suicide and it has nothing to do with selfishness. In fact, it is those who cry "Selfish!" who are, in fact, the selfish ones. They are too caught up in their own pain to even begin to see the pain the deceased must inevitably have experienced. We all possess an incredibly intense drive to live. We are born with it, it is instinctive and originates in the hindbrain, or oldest part of our brain. All life forms possess this "will to live." When a person completes an act of suicide, they have exhausted all their personal resources, have no hope, have no effective support system. It takes a lot to drive a person to end their own life. No one would voluntarily choose it if there were some other way of dealing with the dilemma they find themselves in. To go on punishing the person after death by calling them selfish should be seen for what it is. It's about the speaker, not the deceased. And in this particular case to which I refer, I found it interesting that some people condemned the woman so much that they refused to attend the funeral or assist her family. With friends and relatives like that, no wonder she felt so alone and desperate. They wouldn't help her in life and they continued to judge her in death. My heart goes out to that lonely lady who could not endure the pain a minute longer. Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue. Related articles: Suicide: What do you think of it? Depression: Symptoms and Treatment (1) Depression: Symptoms and Treatment (2) What is the best treatment for depression? Feeling bad about taking antidepressants? When antidepressants aren't the best option (1) When antidepressants aren't the best option (3) When antidepressants aren't the best option (2) Chocolate may make your depression worse! Depression, antidepressants and sex Depression: The myth of "Chemical Imbalance" Learn more about Beth McHugh  Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher. Relevantmental health tags children | Kids | relationships | family | marriage | pregnancy | parenting | sex | christmas | Scrapbooking User Comments livelaughlove (32) 25 Nov 2007 11:50 PMWOW! I found this to be so powerful! I am so glad to hear you talk this way about suicide and your thoughts on it being a selfish act or not. We are not to judge others and this was put so perfectly! We are to love one another! Thank you for this. I hold this topic dear to me!  Beth McHugh (13186) 26 Nov 2007 12:14 AMThank you, livelaughlove, suicide is sad enough without thoughtless people adding their own lack of understanding into the mix. cal1 (75) 27 Dec 2007 04:17 PMHi I'm enjoying reading your postings. I'm just reading things online here to take my mind off of things. A comment I have on this is; as someone who can certainly sympathize with both sides of the issue (my best friend took his own life, and I've been suicidal at times myself) I can say that it really is a selfish act in a lot of ways. Saying that in no way diminishes the pain that the victim is going through; Suicide occurs when pain exceeds resources for coping, and impulse control is low. Anyone in that situation deserves nothing but support and empathy. However, the ultimate consequence is often the transfer of much of that pain onto one's loved ones. In the end, not wishing to impose that on my family is what's been keeping me alive, and sometimes its been hard. When your own suffering is that bad, it's difficult to keep struggling, just because you think quitting's not fair to somone else. Suicide is frightening (when you really come face-to-face with it) but ultimately, it's choosing to live that is the tough decision. Note that I said the act was selfish, not the person. Self-absorbed perhaps, but it's hard not to be when you're suffering that much. In any case, it's extremely poor form to say that at a service for someone, no matter how badly they've hurt you. That person has suffered enough and deserves prayers and empathy despite how you may feel. cal1 (75) 27 Dec 2007 04:44 PMI should just add a caveat to my statement; what really is or is not "selfish" is ultimately pretty much in the judgment of the beholder. The decedent isn't here to defend their thought process. Furthermore, the dictionary defines it as "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself". Who's to say what's "excessive" in a case of someone who is so desparate as to be suicidal? Also the thoughts of a suicidal person are usually distorted in many ways. Some undoubtedly feel they are taking their life to relieve others of the "burden" they pose. My previous comment was limited to my own viewpoint.  helenelle (21) 04 Mar 2009 02:03 AMI was so pleased to read your own explanation of the Selfish word relating to suicide (the other favorite is Coward). I believe in neither. As a cross-poster from the N mothers blog, alarm bells always ring for me when anyone flings out the use the word selfish, and usually in a knee jerk, reactionary sort of way. I think it has become an acceptable response to suicide...to call the dead selfish, thus making it available for angry people to let off steam, after all, you can't slander the dead, so who gets hurt...? The people who are truly grieving, thats who. Basically, I now always interpret the Selfish word in this context as "I don't like what you have done; it has disturbed my world order, and I (at least temporarily) hate you for it. And I am (still) going to make you responsible for my feelings, even if you are now dead..." I liked your blog about 'how to deal with a suicidal person', and thought point 3 in particular. was exact and 'perfect' advice. I do believe that suicides want desperately to find a reason to keep on living. I can't see anyone finding that from the kind of person who needs to call a dead person a selfish coward. I always choose to interpret 'no note', is the last attempt at kindness to loved ones; not to burden them with their (deep) pain. Not to let them live their lives with a unresolvable 'shopping list' of all the specific (in reality nonspecific) things that 'could have prevented' the suicide. ... couldn't get a job (I should have asked John if he could have taken him on...) ...couldn't pay the mortgage (I should have offered...) ... couldn't stand the pain/loss/shame of... (I should have helped/talked/listened/vistited/offered/tried/..). I interpret no note as taking full responsibility; as blaming themselves, NOT you. ( think: if I spent my last thoughts writing to tell you not to blame yoursel(ves).."...) Equally, I do see how devastating it is for their children, in particular, left behind. No matter how old. What they *NEED, Need, need...* is that note; that last tangible word, a last thought for them, as they face the rest of their life journey alone; unprotected, abandoned. Anger is a natural stage of grief, but not its healthy endpoint. Those who are truly grieving tend to find it hard to express this (proper) anger. In my opinion, those who can slap it about are not grieving. Suiicide is always ..deeply, deeply Sad. Anger doesn't help those who deserve our kind attention. Community Tags anger, depression, grief, suicide Discuss this article
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