Speaking Ill of the Dead

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

04 Mar 2007 05:44 PM

When I wrote my two recent blogs on suicide expressing my sadness that there are people who still believe that those who commit suicide are selfish, I waited for more of the same. I did not have to wait long.

It was initially heartwarming to see that there were two very intelligent and compassionate comments on the dilemma of suicide. You can read them here. Unfortunately, the next comment on this blog reiterates the ignorance surrounding the issue of suicide. This is what this person wrote, and I quote:

I do think it's selfish. People don't commit suicide because the world around them is in turmoil - they commit suicide because their "own" life is in extreme pain or hopelessness. They are considering THEMSELVES, not those who will be left behind.

You can read my further view on this subject here.

I believe suicide reflects not only the immense pain that the sufferer is under but more importantly the failure of society as a whole to address that pain. When a person feels so isolated, abandoned and hopeless that they no longer can bear the pain, it is no longer a personal matter involving one individual, it reflects on all of us.

I had to deal with a very distressed client recently who was suicidal. However she did reach out to her community for help and the Christian caring group that she approached rejected her plea for help. The help that she requested was to my mind quite a simple and straightforward request.

She had recently been discharged from a clinic where she had been treated for depression after a sexual assault. She was trying to get her life back together. She approached this "Carer's Group" and asked for someone to call in for morning tea one day a week. Her aim in this was to fill her week with positive and constructive activities as she slowly built her way back to being well enough to undertake part time work. Anyway, the group refused this request, presumably on the grounds that she had spent time in a mental hospital and therefore would be too "difficult" to help.

Another client possessed a life story that included events so horrific that the average citizen could not imagine. She asked her neighbor, who was aware that this client had suffered extreme trauma, to buy her a loaf of bread as she was too unwell to shop at that time. The neighbor agreed, but then "forgot" and refused the next day when the request was repeated, as she was too "busy" with her own social life. Too busy to buy a loaf of bread, the so-called "staff of life."

These acts by selfish and uncaring people pushed these two women, who already suffered enormous life burdens, to breaking point. I listened to their tears and tried my best to reassure them that the world can be a beautiful place, one that contains caring people. But with examples such as those above and the comments I woke to this morning, I know in my heart that the stigma surrounding mental illness and the ignorance surrounding suicide is alive and well.

All I can do is quietly go on to speak for those who will not be heard by many in our community.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Related articles:

Suicide: What do you think about it?

Suicide: My thoughts on one case

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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1001001SOS (225) 04 Mar 2007 08:20 PM

Whoa. That's kinda rude to the person who posted on your blog...

Beth McHugh (12962) 05 Mar 2007 12:45 AM

Dear 1001001SOS, Unfortunately readers can no longer see the comment that I have referred to as management has deemed it unsuitable and removed it. I don't think I need say anymore.

Lucky7 (190) 19 May 2007 07:44 PM

People have such an unenlightened view of suicide. They think it's all about them. It's really about the dispair of the person driven to taking about their own life. When they can understand that, perhaps they will then understand suicide.

Beth McHugh (12962) 27 May 2007 12:26 AM

Yes, it's sad when people can't see the pain of the person who suicided and condemn that person. Many say the act is selfish, but the reaction to the incident can be selfish, as well.

Kelevra74 (6) 02 Jul 2007 01:27 PM

As previously stated, the selfish ones are in fact the ones that are pointing the fingers at the suicide victims. People who attempt a suicide may just be doing it for attention, but those with the sole purpose of ending their own lives are in deep pain and as life goes on, the pain becomes unbearable. I've had thoughts of suicide and still do, especially now that I'm in this depression involving anything in the future that might happen to me. In my defense, I'll briefly address one of the causes for my thoughts on taking my own life. I'm 19 years old and all my life, I've been extremely close to my parents. While my brother and sisters were giving them a hard time, I was the one who obeyed them and never wanted to upset them. I would always hang out with my friends but never spent the night due to a stomach wrenching homesickness. I grew out of the inability to stay over night anywhere without them, but the closeness between me and my parents grew, especially after my brother got into the wrong crowd and started with drugs, which happened with one of my sisters as well. I was the one who remained clean and stayed in school and was often told that I was going to be the successful one of them family. Now with that being said, since I am now 19, its time for me to decide what I want to do with my life, which is where I'm burning my bridge as I'm attempting to cross it. My mind continues to think about what will happen in the future and the only way my mind can now portray me is miserable, even if I picture myself in a house of my own with a wife and kids and steady job. The thought of leaving my parents brings me close to tears as well as thinking ahead to when they will inevitably die. This is where the suicide thoughts come into play. In an attempt to ease this pain that I feel of constantly being in this depressed state, I contemplate suicide and just ending it all. What stops me is the love I have for my parents, friends, and anyone thats close to me. Would me carrying out my thoughts be considered as selfish? I don't think so. I'm not seeking attention, only a way to escape this pain. As I said, what stops me is the love I have for the people that are close to me and not wanting them to feel sad or responsible for me being gone.

Beth McHugh (12962) 03 Jul 2007 12:54 AM

Hi Kelevra, I am sorry that you feel so depressed at times that you think about ending it. For the moment, hold on to the love you feel for your parents and friends. At nineteen, there is no need to think about a wife and kids, or even your final career for that matter. Most people change their careers thoroughout their lifetime, so nothing needs to be set in stone. Do you feel that you have a need to be perfect for your parents because of the actions of your siblings? There is so much of your life left unexplored, but I understand that this means nothing if you feel depressed. I am available for counseling if you feel that would help. Up to you, but I wish you all the best. Beth