27 Aug 2006 01:17 PM

Sexual Predators Groom for Silence

by Megan Bayliss | More from this Blogger

     

Yesterday we looked at the grooming process that sexual predators use on children and their adult supports. The predators purposely groom to trick and manipulate others into believing that the abuser is a wonderful, caring person. Throughout this devious method of control, they also groom the child to stay silent.

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A threat doesn't have to be made in anger. A soft, caring voice that warns a child that if they tell, the family will be destroyed is as effective as holding a knife to a child's throat. Children love and trust their families; they do not want to be the one to destroy them. Sometimes predators will use threats against other things that the child loves as well, for example, the family pet, no access to internet games, or banning of going to a friends house.

Worse still, predators often use the plea that because the child didn't say "no," they must have liked and wanted the abuse. This confuses the child further and forces them deeper into secrecy and shame. They are reluctant to tell anyone because they think that they might get into trouble.

Often predators will give gifts of great developmental worth to a child, like sweets or a hard to find card for their collection. Money also is often used. The child loves these things and wants to keep them. If they tell, they may lose their treasured gifts. So, the child keeps quiet and the abuse continues.

Children don't have a sophisticated vocabulary like the one adults have developed. The child may not only fail to understand what is happening but also be developmentally unprepared in their language to talk about it. First sexual experiences are sometimes even difficult for big people to understand or talk about. If the child's family never talks about private parts of the body, the child will be at a loss to find words to tell you what has happened. Therefore, it is very important that you create a culture of open talk in your family. Use some of the ideas from BITSS of Body Ownership to start conversations about private parts. Children need permission from you to talk to you about "rude" stuff. It is not enough to tell your children that they can come to talk to you about anything. The children need to hear the words, "Nobody can touch your body or private parts if you don't want them to. If somebody does, please tell me so that I can stop it from happening again."

Just as an exercise in how difficult it is to talk about sexual experiences, and how easy it is to stay silent, I want you to consider the answers to these few simple questions

* When was your last sexual experience?

* What was the first sign that you were about to have a sexual experience?

* What time of day was it?

* What sounds could you hear?

* What smells could you detect?

* Who said what and in what order?

* What happened - what sort of encounter was it?

Now - who'd like to write the answers and tell the world about it?

STOP. I don't want anyone to post their answer. I just wanted to show you how difficult it can be for adults to talk publicly about consensual experiences. We have the words, we have the understanding, and hopefully, we have the ability to say "no." Children don't. They are at the mercy of a predator who has groomed them for silence.

Break the silence. TALK. TRAIN. TELL. Start playing protectively today and protect your children from the possibility of child sexual abuse. Have a look at these back blogs for play ideas on introducing games around Body Ownership, Intuition, Touch, Say No, and Support Networks.

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Did you have a sexually abusive experience as a child where you were unable to tell anyone? If you did, you are not alone. It is very difficult for children to tell. By telling trusted people now, you may regain your power and break the grooming that your perpetrator held over you. Imaginif...you had known that it wasn't your fault. Imaginif...you knew it was a method of manipulation and control that perpetrators skillfully use.

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4 comments so far

exclusivecoverage (54) 01 Sep 2006 08:53 PM

Excellent photo to go with the blog. There's no noise in it at all but it creates a loud message of control. No-one is commenting on your blogs????? Are they only saved to show friends and family too? This stuff needs to be out there: like you've always said - this information should not be kept to professionals but belongs with parents in the community. Change your settings so that other people can get the important messages too.

photographer1 (357) 03 Oct 2006 05:29 PM

================================================== Note from photographer1

The first clue our children need to know about how to discover sexual predators or child nappers is this simple truth: When an adult does or says anything sexual to a child, or touches a child anywhere and then says, "This is a secret between you and me" or they tell the child that they have secrets which they should tell no one else, not their mom or their teachers" . This is what we need to make children and teens aware of --that when someone tells them they need to 'keep these secrets' ..the secret..thing is the first clue that an adult is up to no good, or that this child or teen should IMMEDIATELY come to their parents and or teachers and TELL the secret.

Our children need to know that strangers or people that they meet when their parents or guardians are not around --these are secrets that children and teens need to TELL.

Teach our children to do the opposite of what these predators want, and these predators will run somewhere else , to someone who will listen to their instructions.

When children are actually being "grabbed" or in the process of being kidnapped, they need to know to grab onto something strong and solid. Or to even just grab onto something even if it is mobile. THis makes their body BIGGER.

For example, one child's life was saved by this child grabbing the handlebars of her bike. Two strangers tried to abduct this child and get this child into a van. They just reached out and grabbed the little girl who was riding her bike next to the street, on the sidewalk.

This child would NOT let go of her bike. They struggled and struggled but the child would not let go of her bike. The strangers got frustrated and then people began to see what was happening because this abduction was taking longer than they expected , so they let go of the little girl.

This was a story, true story that was on one of our news programs a few years back.

These things happen in large cities and in small towns.

Parents and children who are aware of the possibilities and aware of the safety nets they have, are the safer people in our cities.

So, teach our children, when abductions are possibly happening or when adults are taking our children away from where they are supposed to be ...

GRAB ON!! and HOLD on.. this might be the very thing that saves a child's or a teen's life, just like it saved that little girl. Her body with her bike was too big to fit into the van door.

THIS NOTE is from photographer1 . copyrighted 2006. =================================================

alteregoeleanore (36159) 03 Oct 2006 10:15 PM

THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting this blog, Megan!!!! This is precisely why we have always told our daughter that we have NO secrets in our family (except for Christmas or birthday gifts, LOL)--and we will tell our son this continually, as well! XXOO

Megan Bayliss (3591) 07 Oct 2006 03:26 PM

Thanks Photographer and Alterego. Saying "no" - no matter how it is done (noise, hanging onto something, screaming, whatever) is VERY important. It can save our children.

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