Suicide: Why Do the Neighbors Talk but do Nothing?

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

18 Jun 2009 10:49 PM

This weekend I happened across a woman who needs help. She had a For Sale sign out front of her block of units and I stopped to ask her which one was for sale. She told me but it became obvious that she was distracted, depressed and anxious.

So I stayed and talked about her garden a little, as she had been working in it when I approached her. As we talked I could tell she was not well emotionally and finally she made a comment that she had lost her daughter. The tears welled up but she didn't want to talk about it, so we kept on with the garden talk.

I invited her to take her pick of cuttings from my own garden and she was grateful and asked me inside to help her choose which shoes to wear with a dress she had just purchased. When I finally left, we exchanged phone numbers and I repeated my offer to come get any plants she wanted. She was so grateful for the contact that she hugged me.

Later on in the week I questioned some of the neighbors around her about why exactly she was so sad. They all knew the reason. Her adult daughter had committed suicide three years ago. They told me all sorts of intimate details about the death and more importantly about the way the woman was handling it, or rather not handling the death.

She was on antidepressants, they said, which clearly weren't helping her too much. Plus she was drinking to cope with the pain. Her partner was shouting at her to get over it. Was it any wonder she was not coping?

What concerned me most was not that her daughter had suicided. It was the attitude of the neighbors. Although they could see her struggling with life, they offered nothing. I carefully questioned the neighbors who knew so much but cared so little. What sort of things had they found was useful to help her through this crisis? They just shrugged. They had offered her nothing. Although many said it must be awful to have a dead child, none had offered so much as a cake or a casserole to show they cared.

The more she struggled under the weight, the more they avoided her. Yet this woman needs love, care and attention as she struggles to find her feet again. To be abandoned and even shouted at to wake up to herself is counterproductive. Ironically, she is in danger of committing suicide herself. She feels she has little to live for and no-one seems to care.

It is important for us all to support each other, because one day, this could so easily be us in a difficult situation and the feelings of abandonment coupled with the already intense grief of death are overwhelming indeed. The gentle hand of friendship is all that is needed to guide a lost soul through the darkest of days.

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Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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captaindon (34) 26 Jun 2009 08:25 AM

I realize that most people still think of mental illness as taboo or a disgrace of some kind. They just can not get past this and it for some is not easy to bring up. But what gets me is so many of these people wind up dead or in an institution as my niece has. but no one goes to see them and this lady will no doubt be one of them too. But come on people visit the more the better we live 135 miles from where my niece is and we get there twice a week and now we will be taking her out on day trips from 8 am to 7pm. it will be better soon when we can bring her home. With out the visits from us and her mother and brother she would never have made it so far. If you believe in god or not believe in your love for those you care about and face the impossible and fight. You too may find it is only impossible when you sit on your backside and do nothing. Check what is happing to them sometimes they are given a lot more medication then is good for them as my niece was. We had to fight the state hospital, DR.'s, social workers and the judge. but we did what was best for her no matter who wasn't happy with our interference. The cops aren't the only people whose job is to serve and protect its family work first. Cops and others only when necessary! Avoid them if you can which is not always possible for your loved ones sake. Do what you can in or out of an institution and fight till you get what is best for your loved ones. but be there visit and make sure no matter what they say you tell them how much you love and care. In Florida state hospital unit 1 her Social workers or what ever they call them selves would lie to us about anything and everything when I finally had enough I let them hear my attitude and I was neither polite nor clean mouthed about it if that bi**h had been in front of me at that time she would have false teeth today.

Beth McHugh (13186) 28 Jun 2009 08:15 PM

Hi Captain Don, it's great that you care so much for your sick niece and are there for her, so many people clearly are not. Your relative is very lucky thanks to you

captaindon (34) 30 Jun 2009 07:09 PM

Dear Beth Thank you We are very committed to her and will be there as long as it takes. I wish more people would look after the family. We have been there only twice a week but have never seen anyone else to visit their family or friends. This hospital has almost 10,000 patients and close to 1000 employees that seems unreal to me and no one seems to be there to visit. That is heartbreaking to me. I would love to be there every day and am looking for a place to rent in the area so I can be.

Beth McHugh (13186) 30 Jun 2009 07:34 PM

I will be writing further articles on this topic as I think it is important to support the mentally ill, perhaps even more so than the physically ill who have so called "real illnesses". Keep up the great work!