Reclaim the Night: An Electronic March for Women

JenniBean (404) 20 Oct 2006 06:10 PM

I'm going to tell you my story because I need to get it off my chest. Not very many people know the truth, but I'm telling it now. Babysissy, if you can't handle it, please do not read on...

I was 13. My parents live on an 8 1/2 acre farm property in a very quiet, upscale town in New Jersey. Crime happens there so seldom that we rarely closed our front door during nice weather, let alone lock it... Part of the 8 1/2 acres is a lovely wooded area that had trails cut throughout for walking & bike riding. I loved nothing more than to walk those trails in the morning. It was so serene, with rabbits, birds, and other curious creatures scampering about...

One Saturday morning, I set out for a walk. I can still remember what I was wearing. I had a pale yellow t-shirt & matching stirrup pants on (this was when they were in style) with a darker yellow sleeveless button down sweater over it. It was my favorite outfit. I loved how that outfit made me feel...

Along the trail, I noticed a sleeping bag, garbage bag & some trash. I was curious about the items in "our" woods, but not alarmed because it was "our" woods. As I went further along, I came across a man. He was very large & dressed raggedly. He had something in his lap & asked me if I wanted to take a "hit". What he revealed was cocaine & I had no interest in drugs. I must admit, I was a goodie two shoes, straight A student. I was happy, and had seen enough after school specials to know better than to sniff something up my nose...

My refusal angered this man so quickly that he was on his feet in seconds. I was scared & ready to flee, but he caught me by surprise & both wrists. He smeared the cocaine on my lips & face, telling me he knew I'd like it. I started to cry, which made him angrier. He told me not to cry; that he knew what I needed & I would like it very very much.

The man pushed me to the ground & ripped off my sweater. He started to play with my non-existent breasts and rub my most private area. I was crying & he pinched me hard. When he pulled my pants off, I froze. This horrible man was touching me in ways I had never been touched & I hated him. He held me down while snorting more cocaine, then grabbed a tree branch that was nearby. He used that branch to torture me sexually. When he saw blood, he realized I had been a virgin. This excited him, even though all I did was lay there in pain & cry. This enormous blond hulk was suddenly on top of me, and all at once inside of me. I thought I might split in 2, but I wasn't that lucky. He just kept using me for his pleasure. When he finished I couldn't move. I just lay there staring at the trees from the ground. They were thick, so no sky showed through. No sun, no clouds and I realized, no curious little animals... Just me & the blonde man sniffing more cocaine through a dirty tube. Because I didn't get up, he decided I wanted more. I was withdrawn at that point, & don't remember much more than him using me, and finally showing enough mercy to walk away.

I could have been laying there for days, but when I got home, torn & filthy, it had been less than 2 hours. My daddy was working, my mom & sister were still sleeping. I went into the bathroom & studied myself. There I was, pretty face caked with dirt... body parts scraped & bleeding... Yellow sweater gone forever... innocence stolen. I stood under the shower for an hour. No matter what I used to wash, I couldn't get the horribleness off of me.

My mind started to race... My mom would never love me again because of what happened... it was all my fault for going out there... I can't be daddy's girl anymore... I decided then & there not to tell anyone what I went out & did that morning. I was now a worthless whore, and I couldn't bear it if anyone knew...

When mom woke up & came into my room, she saw my bruises. "What happened to you?" she asked. I made up a lie about trying to ride my bike off the steps of the barn & boy what a tumble I took. Unfortunately for me, my mom believed me. I didn't lie to her & she had no reason to believe anything other than what I told her.

I stayed in my room all summer long, vowing never to go back to those woods. I read so many books that I filled an old wooden toy box with them. Nancy Drew, Trixie Belden, Harlequin Romance... If it was in print, I read it. I liked the mysteries because they were so cool. I loved the romance novels because when the men took their women it was with love, not force.

Many years later, I started dating. I found that I could not be intimate beyond a hug with Caucasian men because of that horrible morning in my favorite woods. I found myself attracted to African-American men, which was a serious problem with my parents. They thought I was racist against my own people, but they got over it. I was what you'd call a serial dater. I never stayed with one guy long enough to let him really know me. The big joke my senior year in high school was the Boyfriend List. Unfortunately it wasn't a joke, and I was seeing all 12 guys at the same time...

I found out in 1995 that I had genital herpes from the stupid man that took so much from me in a coked up moment he'll probably never even think twice about. My world was shattered again. Who would want to be with a woman with an STD? How do you have that convo with anyone? I was dating Scott. Scott was a 6'4" black man that didn't care about the STD. He believed he wouldn't catch it. Luckily, he didn't. I had learned to be careful, but I also learned that he wasn't. He was sleeping around & betraying me. He is the one man that managed to break my heart, and I was devastated.

I eventually started to calm down, & met my husband. I told him right away about the herpes. He broke up with me. We got back together. He used cocaine & I had to tell him my rape story one night when he was really high because he noticed my nightmares. They plagued me for years, and he was the first man I ever spent the night with. We got pregnant in 1997, and I had a nervous breakdown 2 hours from my parents, with my juvenile sister at my apartment. I called the local hospital because I sat in the bathtub & contemplated slicing my veins. They sent a cab for my sister & I. When I got there to speak to a counselor, they threw my naive behind into the psych ward.

I had to call my mom from the hospital & tell her everything because she had to find a way to get my sister from Pennsylvania to New Jersey before children's services took custody of her. Babysissy, I love you, and I am so sorry you went through this ordeal...

My mom was so sad, she had no idea what had happened to her little girl. Now she knew why I rebelled in high school, why I couldn't bring myself to date white men, why I cried in my sleep... My papa bear wanted to kill the man that took his little goldi-lock's child hood away, but I never told the police & there was never a rape kit. No evidence, no crime.

I was so afraid I'd lose my baby that I was in & out of the hospital constantly. My precious little man is now 9, as you know, and has no idea of what mommy has been through. My depression started then & continued forever. If you've read my journals, you already know it comes & goes.

The love of my life is Darnell. He is the only other person I've ever told this story to, because he helped me survive the cancer that the awful morning ended up causing when I was 25 years old. In addition to the genital herpes, I had also contracted HPV. Undetected, HPV can grow into cancer. Because I hated being touched, I didn't get pap smears until I became pregnant & stopped getting annual exams upon giving birth. Had I gotten annual pap smears, they would have detected the pre-cancerous stages & I might not have had to go through surgeries. The irony is that after the surgeries, I had to endure paps every 3 months for a year, then every 6 months for 2 years, & now finally just annually. By the way, I am 5 years cancer free, and with some luck, effort & prayer, I may be able to have another child someday. Darnell has always been supportive & I tore his heart out. Maybe some day he'll love me enough to trust me again. We used to play "I love you more," & I always let him win. Right to the day I left him to go back to my husband after a 3 year separation... D, if you are reading, I am so sorry.

If you think differently about me after reading you, that's your problem. I didn't ask for this to happen. I didn't deserve it. Evil exists. I know because it still haunts my dreams. I'm finally working with a fabulous doctor & taking the medicine that keeps me on the up & up. I don't know what life will bring. Once my divorce is final, I have to make a whole lot of choices. Life is about choice. I chose to walk in the woods, not to be raped brutally...

Megan Bayliss (3586) 20 Oct 2006 07:19 PM

Cairns, Queensland, Australia. This article has just left Cairns and has been forwarded to women in Australia, New Zealand, America, England, Ireland and Scotland.

Women - thank you for joining our truely international march to rally against sexual perpetrations of women and children. May our combined voices have force against predators who may wrongly think that we will keep their atrocities a secret. WE WILL NOT. ON Friday evening, 27th of October, 2006, wherever you are and however you choose to march, my desire for your safety is with you.

Legislators - Please consider tightening your laws against sexual violence. Truth in sentencing, incest and rape as a tactic of war lie high on the agendas of many women. Our collective voice can no longer be silenced.

Gwyllum (301) 22 Oct 2006 07:08 AM

Megan, on Friday evening the 27th October, I will be thinking of the women of our world who choose to join together in solidarity by saying NO to being subjected to all forms of perpetration of abuse, oppression through the misuse of power and, enforced disempowerment of our right to feel safe anywhere and at any time. Not only do we RECLAIM THE NIGHT, we COLLECTIVELY EMPOWER EACHOTHER to take our place in this world with dignity, safety and worth. I am unable to attend a march or public gathering this year. However, I am WITH YOU ALL IN SPIRIT. Keep up your good work, Megan. You are an inspiration to many.

Pintos (10) 27 Oct 2006 12:10 AM

Fantastic Megan. I hope the march goes well. Good luck with everything. In the above article Gwyllum has hit the nail on the head.

HelenR (5) 29 Oct 2006 05:18 PM

This is my second go at joining this electronic march - I covered quite a bit of ground on Friday but for some reason got sent right back to the start. Hopefully my message will show this time - although I can't remember exactly what I said the first time around.

I suppose the words themselves aren't important - the important thing is showing that you care and adding your voice to others. It needs to be said over and over - sexual violence is just not okay. Not in any way, shape, or form. It hurts, it leaves scars - and not only on individuals but on us all.

On a personal level it's been an interesting journey for me recently, going back more than twenty years and opening up old wounds to help them heal better. It's not the easiest path to go down but in the long run it's easier than holding stuff in that needs to be shared and released.

All I can say to anyone who has is a survivor of sexual assault or abuse is: look out there for help and support. Find someone to talk to about it. Be discerning - make sure you talk to someone you can trust to listen to you properly. It's easier to keep moving on when you have the right company.

Thank you Megan for putting this blog up here. It's good to have the opportunity to join in.

If this post gets up there I guess it will be the message you were meant to hear.

Helen

tiberiu (24) 30 Jan 2008 12:22 PM

You should check the Narconon organization and see what projects they have planned for the future: might help you a little bit.