Postpartum depression: Effects on the marriage

Lucky7 (190) 10 Oct 2006 04:21 PM

You mentioned writing about postpartum psychosis. This happened to my friend, what is the difference with PPD and will it happen with her next child?

Beth McHugh (13186) 10 Oct 2006 09:05 PM

An article on postpartum psychosis is coming soon!

Amtrekr (11) 11 Apr 2007 08:36 AM

During my wife's first pregnancy, her boss hit on her repeatedly, both before and after she got pregnant. She said they even made out in his car several weeks before her delivery. A few weeks after she returned to work they went to a motel and again several months later. I was in college at the time. When I asked her why she could only say "he just wore me down".

My wife is the last person who anyone who knows her would do such a thing. We had ,and continue to have, a good marrage but I still want to know WHY. Could postpartum depression be involved here? She said she was freaked out before and after our child was born but I never saw anything out of the ordinary at the time.

Has anyone heard of this happening before?

Beth McHugh (13186) 11 Apr 2007 03:23 PM

Hi Amtrekr, as some of these incidences happened before the baby was born or even conceived, it really can't be attributed to postpartum depression.

Amtrekr (11) 12 Apr 2007 06:54 AM

Thank you for your reply.... can you make an educated guess as to why a new mother, who had a great marrage at the time, would risk everything, her new baby, family, husband, and a great career, just to have an affair with her boss, especially when she knew we would be moving from the area after graduation in a few months. He called it off after their second time, to his credit.

A quick note; she did a similar thing when we were engaged foue years eariler, with another co-worker but because I was not treating her as well as I should have at the time (I was scared) I have not been as critical and more forgiving.

This all happened many years ago but it still dogs me because of the timing with our new family. I was busy with my last year in school but by no means was I neglecting her in any way. When I look back, it was the best times of our married lives. Great social life, good sex life and a super extended family structure. She did contact the guy eight years later to arrange another meeting but she later called him back to cancel. He verified this to me. BTW, he was also married and his wife was pregnant at the time.

Although I don't believe she has strayed since then, I find myself not giving her my full trust. We have hashed this out several times over the years but I feel there is still something she has not told me. Is there more here than meets the eye? Any comments of suggestions will be appreciated.

Beth McHugh (13186) 12 Apr 2007 02:38 PM

Hi Amtrekr, as this is a public forum I don't think this is the appropriate place to discuss these matters. You can contact me through my online counseling service at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Valorie Delp (49340) 12 Apr 2007 05:42 PM

This is a great blog Beth! Thanks!

Beth McHugh (13186) 12 Apr 2007 06:44 PM

Thanks, Valorie, postpartum depression is particularly distressing as, although nobody wants to suffer from depression, having depression while undertaking the duties of motherhood is especially cruel.

HcHernan (10) 12 Jul 2007 09:06 AM

I have a question. I believe my wife is suffering from postpartum depression. She just hasn’t been her self since the baby was born. Seems I cant do anything right. I try to help and she tells me to stop because it just makes her feel like she doesn’t do anything. I don’t and I get yelled at for not helping enough. I know I am and have not been perfect in our marriage and at times did not show her the attention she deserved and after reading so much about this disease I now see how I contributed to her being depressed. I have talked to her about going to the doctor and getting checked out just to see if anything is wrong. But she doesn’t want to go. She thinks I'm just trying to get her medicated. Now I have also found out that she has been talking to some other guy since the baby has been born. They haven’t actually done anything other than talk but it seems like they are on that road. Now this is completely unlike my wife and I would never have thought she would or could cheat on me. A few weeks ago we talked and she basically told me she didn’t feel the same way for me that she once did and that when I tell her that I love her that she doesn’t believe it.

I don’t know what’s going on if the depression is causing her to seek out attention from someone other than me to help her self esteem or if her feelings for this guy are what’s causing these other feelings and mood swings? Maybe both? She has mentioned in the times we talk that she does hate the way she looks and would like to be considered "HOT". She says she doesn’t believe me when I tell her she's hot because I love her already.

All I know is I am just confused and don’t know what to do. Sorry for writing so much.

Beth McHugh (13186) 12 Jul 2007 04:30 PM

I can't give a diagnosis of a third party, so I can't confirm or discount the presence of PPD. However, from what you say, there is a problem of some sorts happening, but again, whether it existed before the birth for your wife I cannot say. Ask your wife if she would go into couples counseling wih a psychologist. As there is no fear of being "medicated up" this may be more amenable to her. If she won't go, it would be good if you could seek counseling for yourself.

HcHernan (10) 13 Jul 2007 10:26 AM

Hello Beth. I have asked her if we could go to Marriage counseling but she doesn't want to go either. I should also mention she doesn't know that I know about the other guy and might just not want me to find out. That might be why she doesn't want to do any of the counseling. I would ask her sisters or mom for help but my wife is basically following in their footsteps and I know for a fact they know about the other guy and are hiding it from me as well. Her mom probably knows also and she isn't the very nurturing type anyway so she probably wouldn't be much help to her. My wife has suffered from Depression in the past. When she was a teenager she tried to kill her self by OD'ing on some pills. Her mom just told her to go talk to her aunt. Her aunt might be able to help but once I go to her the whole family will know. I don't think they all know that he is married and has a little kid of his own. That might also be why they don't see it as such a bad thing. If they found out they might tell her something then my wife would be angry and unable to talk to me and her family thereby pushing her even more towards the arms of this other guy. As far as me seeking counseling? Probably a good idea. I just have so much on my mind and If we did get divorced I have my daughter , mother, father and a mentally disabled brother living with us that I have to still take care of. I just want my nightmare to be over

Beth McHugh (13186) 13 Jul 2007 05:16 PM

I would encourage you to seek counseling over this issue. You need someone to talk to about what is happening. Let me know if I can assist you with online counseling, or else seek help in your local area. Best wishes, Beth

TrueLucky13 (5) 23 Jul 2007 09:47 PM

Hi. Heres the scoop. I have been married for 2 years to a great man. After the birth of our baby boy in Nov 2006, things have been really going downhill We had fights in the past about relationship stuff, but nothing like this. About a week ago, my husband announced that he was not "in love with me" anymore and that he needed to be seperated to figure some things out. Within a week, he was kissing and holding hands with a young girl from his work who he "suddenly realized" that he had emotionally fallen for. It is your typical affair story... she was there for him, sympathized with his needs, makes him feel special... He has felt disconnect from the marriage for awhile now, but it came to his breaking point recently. It helped that there was motivation. I have felt that he has not been spending enough time with me and when he would go out with his friends, where this girl always came along, I was HURT and crushed that he didnt want to come home to me. I have felt isolated and oh so lonely. I am in a new town with not many people to turn to. I have began forming a friendship with another young mother who has gone through almost this exact same thing. I talk to my mother all the time about the loneliness that I feel, but no one seems to REALLY get it. Im guessing my feelings, the separation, the affair, and everything is classic PPD. I have finally recognized that these symptoms are REAL, that i am not nuts, and am turning my life around. I no longer want to feel resentment for this amazing baby that is in my life for being the source of my hurt in this separation. I have faith that my husband will return. Do a lot of couples separate because of PPD and how can I explain this to my husband?? He needs to know that these feelings are real and that the withdraw that I have done from him emotionally has only been a symptom. That this affair is simply an effect, not an answer...

Beth McHugh (13186) 26 Jul 2007 05:38 PM

It may be a good idea for you both to seek couples counseling over this issue. There are several issues the seem to need addressing, in addition to PPD. If he won't go, seek counseling for yourself. Best wishes, Beth

galin (10) 16 Nov 2007 11:26 AM

Doesn't it seem like a no-brainer though? Of course if your spouse is obnoxiously critical and doesn't help in any way, you're prone to depression. I have to say though I know a lot of women who put pressure on themselves to maintain a certain standard that just isn't a) realistic and b) as important to their spouses. For this reason, I wouldn't say that you should "demand" your spouse help you. It's reasonable to expect help but I think open communication and working together with a "team approach" would go over a lot better. ---- Disease

Beth McHugh (13186) 16 Nov 2007 02:37 PM

This article is primarily about the confusion experienced by both new parents that post-partum depression causes. Where there is no prior experience of depression, it is often hard to tease out exactly what is going on until the condition is quite advanced. An obnoxious male partner may well be a cause for depression, but that is independent of PPD. It is not uncommon for postpartum mothers to believe the partnership is over as they feel "nothing" for their partner. This article simply urges those suffering from postpartum depression to wait until the depression is well managed before making any life-changing decisions about important issues. When a mother is suffering PPD, rational thinking is often one of the temporary casualties.

babybearps (5) 06 Dec 2007 09:47 AM

So, I just had my second child this past summer after over 5 years. Me and the father are together but not married. After the birth of my first child I was fine. I had a little bit of the baby blues but nothing big. After I went back to work I stopped breastfeeding. After that I found myself getting more aggravated at people at my work. People who I was fine with before I went on my maternity leave. After having my second child I get the feeling of hopelessness and bordom sometimes, almost like I have nothing to look forward to and no one to interest me. I just dont care about anything except my kids and my boyfreind. I feel really irritable towards my boyfriend and he just irks me the wrong way. I feel like he is very critical of me and when i don't show enough love and attention towards him he gets angry with me. I go through periods of not wanting sex for weeks on end and that just adds to it. I feel like hes always on me about it. I feel like I love him but that It would just be easier if we separated and then finally i could feel releif. I'm not particularly sad just less caring. I go from having no emotion to being elated to flipping out over stupid little things and getting into arguments. I feel like im being pecked at and i just want to be left alone. Im fine with my kids but not my boyfriend. He wants me to get medication and i dont want to. I told him i think its hormones. Do you think I have PPD? Thanks

Beth McHugh (13186) 10 Dec 2007 09:56 PM

Hi Babybearps, I don't think you have PPD, but it does sound like there are some hormone-based mood swings happening. How old is your second baby now?

megjustmeg (10) 28 Dec 2007 12:34 PM

I suffered from PPD with my last two children. It was the most horrible experiences of my life - wanting to kill my baby(s), myself, seeing mini-movies in my mind that would blot out reality and all I could see was me smothering my child or forcing the baby to breast so it would stop breathing, yelling at my husband that I was the baby would die in a hysterical, manic reaction to the baby just choking on his milk. I have no doubt what I suffered from.

He tried everything he could to take care of all of us and still try to work. He became angry at me for having PPD. I was angry at me for having PPD. He went from the loving man I knew to someone who was angry all the time and screamed at our kids and me. He was exhausted and I was hopeless to help.

I hated him for hating me for having something I couldn't help. I hated him for yelling and screaming at all of us and making us afraid. I resented him for making me feel like a burden...I knew I was a burden.

I found relief by chatting on the net. I could get away from all of that - me, him, the kids. I hated myself for doing it because all I wanted to be was a good mother and wife like I was before the PPD. I cheated on him. This is so not me. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something and not a burden. I wanted to get away from the pain that I couldn't show up with my kids even though I loved them with all my heart. PPD ruined my life. We're divorced now and he has the kids. I so desperately want my family back. I don't know what to do, but I know PPD ruined my life, my husband's and my children’s. I so often just want to die and give up. I can't live without them. I never ever wanted for our family to be anything other than a family. Help me please.

Beth McHugh (13186) 28 Dec 2007 03:43 PM

Meg, it sounds like you had a terrible time with PPD, and continue to suffer. You can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com for professional help. Best wishes, Beth

megjustmeg (10) 29 Dec 2007 04:19 AM

Thank you, but I'm on disability because of all this and can't afford your services. I'll just continue to search for answers on my own. Thank you though for having a site for me to read.

Beth McHugh (13186) 01 Jan 2008 01:48 AM

Hi Meg, you're very welcome and I wish you luck in your recovery. If you can demonstrate that you are on disability we may be able to adjust fees.

vanessacosta (5) 13 Feb 2008 03:50 PM

I just wan to say thank you Beth for talking about post partum depression! Its good that people talk seriously about this, because women cant feel affraid to talk about it, and they need to understand its a normal thing and not a signal of incompetence. I had a baby , shes about to be 1 year old, shes my first baby and i was so anxious to have her and when she was born i kept feeling sad, like i was a really bad mother, and so much more i kept it a secret for a while, thank god i have a husband that helps me a lot and he helped me seeing that i was different so we talked about seeing a doctor so i could get checked and i was diagnosed with post partum depression i still have ups and downs but meds helped me a lot now i enjoy my life and my daughter way more! so keep up with the good work!

Beth McHugh (13186) 13 Feb 2008 10:54 PM

Hi Vanessa, I'm glad my articles have been helpful to you. Postpartum depression is real and is not a sign of weakness or incompetence and I's so pleased that you are getting the help you need. Have you thought of trying natural progesterone cream to help with mood? This is prescribed by a doctor and made by hand by a pharmacist and can be very helpful with depression/crying/feelings of being overwhelmed. Any books by Dr John Lee, a pioneer in this area, are worth reading. I hope your daughter has a happy 1st birthday! Beth

mginsberg (5) 25 Feb 2008 12:14 PM

This is something people need to take into consideration for marriage problems, many people who are married go on to have kids and find things change afterworlds postpartum is usually overlooked, and the couples usually figure things change after you have kids. It's not always the cause but is something that should be looked at under certain circumstances.

timada (31) 24 Apr 2008 04:26 AM

Postpartum depression can affect a marriage, when there is no understanding. I mean, it is husband’s duty to understand and support his wife to recover. They can always ask help to a specialist in Marital Help, so they can save their marriage. And I know for sure that these is a solution that might work!

robertfinger (21) 08 Oct 2008 08:25 PM

I would like to know more about this my soon to wife has all the calssic signs we have been together for 5 years and now out of the blue she wants to break away from me especially on our 5 year anniversary which is this month of october also her birthday is october 28 as well making her 25 she tells me i am nothing to her anymore and i know all relationships have problems but i need to know how can o get her to get checked out and show her this is infact what she has im in love with her she thinks i dont love her or care about her and i want to show her i do i want to be by her side for ever also she is staying at her moms house in santa ana and i am currently in victorville i have a lot of work and hardly get to see her or my son i want to bring them both up here and be a stable happy family so i need to know what can i do because she is convinced that she doesnt love me or anything but she says she does care about me any answers please email me finger.robert@verizon.net i just want to save my beautiful girl and son we are scheduled to be married june 13th 2009 and i had a website created to show the whole world how much i love her if you guys want to check out the site it is www.weddingwire.com/robertandbetty please anyone help me

robertfinger (21) 08 Oct 2008 08:27 PM

i dont want to be away from my family anymore please help me out some one help me get her to see this sympton she also says that she lost love towards me i need help to show her that i do love her and she loves me

Beth McHugh (13186) 11 Oct 2008 02:56 PM

Hi Robert, how old is the baby and how long has your partner been exhibiting these signs? Also, is it possible for you to take some time off work to go visit her? It is difficult to sort out this type of situation from a distance. When you see her in person you would be in a better position to see how well she is coping with the baby and whether she is having difficulties coping in general with everyday activities. It would also be easier to persuade her to have counseling with you if you were there to go with her. I'm sure you are trying your hardest from a distance but in this situation your actual presence would be best for both of your sakes. Best wishes, Beth

confusedmc (15) 14 Jan 2009 12:15 PM

Hi, I would like to get some advice on my situation. My wife and I were married in July 06, and got pregnant on our honeymoon. Soon after, we argued about the dishes and she left me and returned home to her parents. She stayed with her parents until 1 month before she delievered. I tried to have her come home, tried to talk to her with no success, and attended all pre-natal appts. Once she returned she was very bitter toward me and slept on the couch due to the low back pain, and after the delivery she continued to sleep on the couch due to a pre-existing shoulder injury. Her attitude toward me remained very indifferent, and she showed no signs of affection toward me. Last May she was scheduled for shoulder surgery and after the surgery she stayed at her parents' home to recover. It has now been 8 months and she has not returned home. We are living separated and I dont get to spend that much time with my baby and much less my wife, who finds me non-existant. Her ideals are her family (whom she fought with and complained about all the time), the baby, and her friends. She has time for everyone else but me, and I have had it. I have spoken with her parents and when they try to talk to her my wife gets angry. I have tried to talk to her and she just cries but doesnt respond anything. I am to the point where I dont know if another man is in the picture, although she has assured me that there is no other man. I am to the point where I plan to move back to my parents' home and press forward. We havent been intimate in over 2 years and she just doesnt seem to care. Could this be tied to some postpartum depression, or is my marriage now over. We have been seperated longer than we have been married. I am going thru counseling on my own, she refuses to go.

Beth McHugh (13186) 15 Jan 2009 05:06 PM

Hi confused, this must be a very painful situation for you. It's great that you are having counseling,even if your wife won't attend. Your wife is certainly giving out messages that she wants to be apart form you even when she is in the same home. I'm sure you have asked her to come to therapy. If she refuses, there is nothig you can do. Yet you must move on with your own life and perhaps going back to your parents is one option you can explore. As nothing seems to be changing, it will be you that has to change. If you "leave" her that might make her stop and rethink. If it doesn't then you are in a position to know that the marriage is not really a marriage s it stands. Keep talking to your therapist but most importantly, listen to your own inner wisdom about what you should do in this situation. Don't expect it to be easy, but you will get through it. But it looks like all the action must come from you as your wife seems content with the status quo. Hope this helps, Beth

confusedmc (15) 16 Jan 2009 11:27 AM

Beth, thank you for your help. I actually spoke to my wife over dinner a couple days ago. Her reason for behaving this way is because she is still upset due to the arguing we had before the wedding regarding planning/preparations/etc for the wedding. I thought alot of couples go thru this type of arguing, but she held on to the grudge. I asked her why she married me, and worst yet, decide to want to get pregnant if her anger toward me was still there? She responded that she thought the feelings would go away, but after 2 1/2 years she is still angry at me because of this. She is also angry because I accused her of cheating on me right after we got married. Right after we got married, and even on our honeymoon, she was texting her boss at work, a man who is already married, and I believe is unhappy in his marriage. They would hang out on nights that I worked, and contined to text each other. One night, while they were hanging out, I asked her if she remembered that she was married, and she got offended. She later told me that her boss friend had convinced her to marry me. In general, she holds such anger and bitterness toward me, she does not even want to try to work it out. I let her know I would be moving out and to please remove the stuff from our home as I would like to rent it out. She later sent me a message saying she was sorry. I responded that I too was sorry our marriage did not work out, but she should not be apologizing to me, as there was an innocent child who wasnt even given a chance to be happy. So now I am in the process of moving out, and then will file from divorce It breaks my heart because my little one will never know what it was like to be happy with both her parents together. My wife didnt even put forth any effort.

i have been told by friends/family members that I am way better off without her. However, I worked very hard for my marriage to work with no success. Worst yet, I am sad that I am not with my little one at every moment like I should be.

Beth McHugh (13186) 18 Jan 2009 04:47 PM

Hi Confuseddmc, perhaps having some space will help resolve things both for you and your wife. She may see things in a different light with you away and change her mind. Alternatively you may do so too, and realize your happiness lies elsewhere. Obviously things were not going to change as they were, so moving he goalposts can only have a beneficial long term effect for both of you. Your child will also benefit in the long term from happier parents, whether you are together or apart. I wish you well with it.,Beth

amcvanegas (15) 26 Feb 2009 03:36 PM

I suffered from PPD and I left my husband/highschool sweetheart 11 months after our second child was born. My suggestion to new mothers is to be a little easier on the new dads. Understanding has to come from both sides. My suggestion to new dads is to be patient and dedicate most of your time to mommy and baby. Not the computer, not work, etc. Do not be afraid of counseling. If a partner suggests it - then IT IS TIME TO MAKE THE APPOINTMENT TODAY!!! Counseling is for people who love each other enough to do whatever possible to SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE AND NEW FAMILY. God bless you all. BTW - I am still going through legal battles with my now ex for our children. This hasn't been easy for any of us.

Beth McHugh (13186) 26 Feb 2009 11:00 PM

Great advice, amcvanegas

amcvanegas (15) 27 Feb 2009 08:34 AM

confusedmc - please listen to your friends/family. I am sure they are looking out for your and your child's best interest. I suggest you file asap for divorce w/ shared parental custody so the court and your wife knows you are serious about being there for your daughter. I didn't have $$$ for a lawyer in the beginning of my divorce and my husband did. while you are mending your broken heart, your lawyer can protect you and your child from being separated.

confusedmc (15) 02 Apr 2009 01:52 PM

amcvanegas & beth, thank you for the advice. Since my last post, I returned home to my parents'. While emptying out our condo, my wife called me and she began crying over the phone saying the situation was hard for her and I told her that this didnt have to be this way and we could work on trying to save our marriage. She stayed quiet and we continued to move everything out. One day when she came to pick up the baby, she told me she was in no rush to be divorced, and that if I wanted to wait until after July to file for divorce, to do it then. (in July I go to an overseas trip that pays you more if youre married) She said we can wait to file divorce so I can get more $ on my trip. I told her that at this point I didnt care about the money and that I just want to release her from a marriage where she is obviously unhappy. She said that we could take it one day at a time and see what happens. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait until after my trip to see if she comes to her senses. At least so that I know I did everything possible to save my marriage. Meanwhile I have been trying to rekindle the love we had. Sad thing is she doesn't seem too interested. The baby is with me about 4 days out of the week and is with her the other days. It is sad she doesnt spend too much time w/the baby, but there is nothing I can do to force her. Insofar as father's rights, I am pretty much w/my daughter whenever I am not working. I guess this all sounds pathetic, although in my mind I know she is confused and lost and needs some psychiatric attention now! She just refuses to get it. My mother in-law is so lost as well, that she has no idea how to help. And my father in-law has no spine.

Rmaxhimer (5) 04 Apr 2009 08:54 AM

Please someone help. My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and three months ago we had a beautiful baby girl. As the three months have passed our marrage has become more difficult. I just figured it was due to the exhaustion of a new and very colicy baby but I'm beggining to believe it's postpartum. My wife has never been the type to express her feelings her mom has told me she's always been like that but now more then ever I feel like there is no way to cheer her up. I'm not working right now so I help with the baby all day as much as possible. I do all the housework and cooking. I'm trying to keep the relationship as stress free as possible. Still my wife has totally withdrawn from me. Never initiaites any kind of affection. Especially when it comes to sex. I'm starting to feel like some kind of pervert always trying to kiss her and see if she's in the mood. I'm terrified that our marriage won't make it. I don't believe in divorce but I'm afraid she does. I'm also naturally insecure and I know it's something I need to work on but her being unfaithful is always on my mind. Like right now for instance she just woke up one day and said she was going back home to see her family and will be gone for almost three weeks. She took the baby and the dog leaving me here alone. I'm struggling fighting these feelings and am lost. Being first time parents is hard enough but I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel I just need help trying to show mfy wife the same light. What can I do to make this work? Thanks for any help.

Beth McHugh (13186) 05 Apr 2009 11:02 PM

Hi Confusedmc, no you don't sound pathetic at all, I think you are doing a great job under very difficult conditions. Keep spending that time with your daughter and yes, I agree your wife needs to talk to someone as her lack of real interest in her baby demonstrates that all is not well and it's not just the marriage. Perhaps her mother could persuade her to go along to her local doctor who can take matters from there.

Beth McHugh (13186) 05 Apr 2009 11:08 PM

Hi Rmaxheimer, did your wife' nmood change immediately affter she had given birth or a few weeks later? Or has she been withdrawn as you describe since before she became pregnant. She may have experienced depression for some time and the birth of the baby has exacerbated it. Has she sough treatment form a doctor or counselor for how she is feeling? And has she ever expressed to you or others that she is unhappy? There could be numerous reasons why your wife is behaving in the way she is , PPD being only one of them. Have you been able to talk to her at all about how she feels about her life, her job, her role as a mother and her feelings towards you? Best wishes,Beth

stiney_f (6) 05 Nov 2009 11:21 PM

Hi Beth! I just wanted to thank you for this blog, it is soo awesome! I am doing an assignment on post natal depression and this will help me heaps! i was just wondering if i could email you some time and ask you further questions for my assignment (it's my Society and Culture Personal Interest Project) that would be a big help! Thank you soo much!! :)