Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

inspired_creations (130) 06 Feb 2006 08:32 AM

The criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder could just as easily be used as a criteria to get on Hollywood's A-list, such is the horrid behaviour that many celebrities exhibit...which makes me wonder if it's less of a mental health issue and more of a social problem? Budding psychologist though I am, I tend to take the more sociological perspective.

ctaylor219 (6) 08 Apr 2008 04:15 AM

I have been reading about NPD & other personality disorders for the past 6 years trying to understand and hoping to learn how to deal with my husband who I think has a disorder of some type. One minute he can be very understanding, sympathetic, caring, loving, giving and other times be very selfish, self centered,my opinions don't count for anything, my wants don't matter, my needs don't matter, expects me to wait on him hand and foot. If discuss an issue about our finances for instance...He'll talk logicly with me and then turn around and do the opposite. He keeps putting us in financial stress because of the things that HE wants.... a house we couldn't afford...2 cars we couldn't afford...and keeps our credit cards maxed. When I try to talk him out of these decision before they happen, I'm always told not to worry about it...or Your not paying for it...or some other irrational reason. or throws a temper tantrum if he doesn't get his way. He has broken so many promises over the years to me....and they are all money related. For instance, hes been telling me for 7 years that I can stay home and do my art( I've been an Artist my whole life) take care of the house and him and do my art. He doesn't need my money. Well, that situation hasn't happened since we met. I don't have time to tell you the entire story right now...I have to go to work. But I do need to talk with some one...I am very frustrated and don't know what to do, or handle the situation.

Beth McHugh (13211) 08 Apr 2008 02:39 PM

Hi ctaylor, sounds like your husband is a source of ongoing stress. There certainly seems to be some impulse control problems with regard to money. If you would like to discuss this professionally, feel free to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

ycul321 (5) 01 May 2008 08:38 AM

To ctaylor219: I too am in the same situation and can relate to what you are saying. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and I have endured alot and finally have seeked counseling for myself. I wonder if our marriage can continue to survive. His spending habits have put us in a huge bind and he does not see a problem. He thinks of himself first and does not consider my feelings or thoughts or concerns. I feel he is bringing me down with him. I have given him emotionally everything I have and he does not recognize that. He always wants for himself. My counselor thinks I should start to look out for myself first and I agree. My husband and I own a small business together and we have worked so hard to get it to this point, so it would be hard to let go, but yet I have to do what is best for me. I wonder what to do....

Beth McHugh (13211) 01 May 2008 04:23 PM

Hi ycul321, has your counselor suggested couples counseling for you and your husband? While I agree that you must look out for yourself, it is important for your own wellbeing to feel that you have sought third party help before ending the marriage. If your husband has NPD, then there would be considerable, if not unbearable strain on the marriage. However, you would require a professional diagnosis for that. If he does not have NPD, seeking couples counseling could be the wake-up call he needs. Good luck, Beth

SecondDaughter (10) 03 Jun 2008 12:42 PM

I am a 52 year old woman. I learned a few years ago through a therapist that our family had NPD issues. It helped me and my sisters to identify what made our upbringing so painful. And why we feel isolated as adults.

One of our mother's favorite credos is "I couldn't find any interesting and intelligent people out there so I made some of my own." How revealing is that? It has never been about us. It has been about her. As my sister says, "We followed a script. We were the hired help. Our job was to say and do those things that would make her happy, and to never speak the truth."

I am going back into therapy soon. My mom is now very old and needs me to help her because she cannot see. It's hard for me to be around her. The complex stifling of the truth is bad for me. But knowing things about NPD helped me move beyond confusion toward forgiveness of her. Just the same, I still need a lot of help with what happened - and may need it for the rest of my life.

I was talking with my sister last night about how our mother never celebrated â€Å"us”. There was no joy of celebration over who we were. So much happiness was missing. I do not know what it is like to have a mother who enjoys you. She didn't laugh with us unless what we said was a witty, clever and worthy a amusement. Her laughter was the golden coin of acceptance. Not burdening her with our needs was mandatory. This created toxic competition for her love. I think she secretly enjoyed the struggle to obtain it. Despite that we grew out of it and dearly love and appreciate each other as adults.

How she operated was amazing. She used approval to force us into validating her ideas, her theories of life, and just her in general. Her insistence we be exactly what she thought we should be was overwhelming. But we didn’t understand it until recently. She was very destructive. The females were deemed a threat. We were denied personal power, more than the males. I was flattened out and made to never rise above her - the queen bee. I was ever ready to grovel or pay the price and in a state of continual fear before her. I was to never require anything more of her than she wanted to give. I was to live out the script and never rock the boat by speaking the truth or talking about my feelings. That was a big job for little kids. It's a big job for adults. I also had a father and brother with NPD. That is another story, but it was pretty difficult for us all.

I will be going into therapy again. My daughter and I had a lot of hurts between us, but we have come a long way since I went into therapy the first time. She does not want me to grovel and apologize for approval from other people. It hurts her. Nobody can play that role that my mother did. People do not want to.

My daughter wants me to be strong, happy and confident. It took great strength and intelligence for her to get past the problems handed to us from my mother. She is willing to go through the healing process with me. She tries to stay around people who are strong and of good character. People who are honest and tell the truth. I am trying to throw off the continual feelings my mother gave me. It's so hard. But I can't go back now. I can only go forward. So, if any of this sounds familiar to you don’t feel alone. It’s real, but it can be addressed with good therapy.

Beth McHugh (13211) 05 Jun 2008 06:02 PM

Hi Second Daughter, it is extremely difficult to be the child of a narcissist parent, especially a narcissistic mother, and not come out with the scars to show for it. It is wonderful that you have at least realized what you are dealing with, because that will make the process of dealing with your mother easier. If you have read all my articles on this disorder you will realize that the narcissist becomes worse with age, as the image they make of the world and there place in it becomes harder to maintain. As your daughter has commented, often adult children of narcissists are still trying desperately to please and this is one area that can be worked on, the other is disentangling yourself from needing and wanting your mother's approval. Learning to love yourself and value yourself is also an important part of therapy as your mother won't have contributed to that! There is light at the end of the tunnel and many adult children of narcissists can and do lead happy lives. If you feel I can be of assistance to you, please contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

lmv (10) 01 Jul 2008 11:30 AM

I can so relate to what several of you are going through. I am married to an incredibly selfish man. Many things you describe I go through as well. Excessive spending habits, Compulsive Lies, Secretive Habits, Emotional Abuse you name it. Sadly, he was raised in the this enviroment and is a carbon copy of his father. I am back in counseling and seriously considering separation/divorce (note, I filed for divorce 2 yrs ago and came back to the marriage believing he was going to change). We have been to couples counseling with two separate counselors and the results have been the same.... he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. He might admit for a second in the office with the counselor what he is doing to make them think the discussion is productive and then he goes right back to his old tricks.

We now have a beautiful 1 yr old daughter and it breaks my heart to think she will grow up in such a hostile and selfish world. We both deserve better ......

Beth McHugh (13211) 02 Jul 2008 03:16 PM

Yes, you do, lmv, please see my comments on your other posting.

cazerella (15) 31 Aug 2008 07:18 PM

hi BETH,

I suppose my question is can Aspergers also incorperate Narcism, or is the seemingly a narcisitc personality not clinical narcism, but part of Aspergers.

My husband has Aspergers syndrome. I've been reading up for the past 2 years, joined support groups etc and can understand his behaviour so much more. Still sometimes it's extreamly difficult and many times I waver on the edge of deep depression. I've been snapping in and out of that for 20 years. I cope with more understanding my coping mechanisms are becoming stronger.

He has also been on benzodiazapines for the last 22 years and recently came off them(which was a huge step and it took four years to be completely free of them) I didnt know for those 22 years because of his secretive personality and inability to communicate.

He is extreamly vain, but quiet in social situations but there are many facits of NPD that he fits into. The world does revolve around him. He is vain. He is only interested in his own point of view. No one else exists. Its really just the children and I that see this though.

For me it's been a very intense journey trying to support him. He won't seek help. Aspergers is diagnosed in the family (Nephew) I'm quite tired but still looking for answers.

Thanks, Caz

Beth McHugh (13211) 31 Aug 2008 10:53 PM

Hi Caz, the self-absorption that forms part of the Asperger make-up is different to the intense narcissism of the sufferer of narcissistic personality disorder. This is one of the reasons why it is so important to be diagnosed by a specialist, because it is easy to read off a list of symptoms on the internet and announce that "Oh, my dad's got that" and it's not a true diagnosis at all. Your husband's self-absorption would fall under the typical symptoms for Asperger's but other symptoms will be present as well. You can read my articles Adults with Asperger's if you haven't already done so. You can find them in the list to the right of this page under Autism and Asperger's Disorder. It is a hard journey for you, especially when your husband will not seek help. Does he accept that he has Asperger's? Have you sought out support groups for family members of Asperger's ? You might find the latter helpful in dealing with the depression that often accompanies being married to an Asperger sufferer. You can also contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com if you need additional help. Best wishes, Beth

cazerella (15) 02 Sep 2008 01:18 AM

Thanks Beth,

I have read all of your information on Aspergers. The information has been very insightful and invaluable.

My husband does believe he has Aspergers after some research on his part and looking back into his past. It all fits. This revelation has made our lives much easier because he acknowledges Aspergers.

He meets most of the criteria. He has an astounding mathmatical brain, but can't do simple everyday things, gets lost easily and lacks common sense (I'm just presenting facts) He doesnt like to make eye contact ánd has a few very intense hobbies that he can talk about until the cows come home. His knowledge about those subjects is amasing. He won't go to social events... if he does he is extreamly anxious.

There are also many other constant, repeditive, annoying behaviours that drive me crazy ..especially when i'm alone with him all weekend....Bless his soul..; ) I'm not sure how i will stay sane. He is fine! You are right though, self diagnosis from the internet can prove to be very wrong and therefore not helpfull at all. There are so many possibilities that can cause unhappyness either with ones self or a partner.

Thanks for your help and i will contact you on your website.

Cheers, Caz

Beth McHugh (13211) 02 Sep 2008 02:48 AM

Hi Caz, glad to be of help!

md5417 (10) 08 Sep 2008 05:54 AM

Hello, I have an ex-wife whom has admited to having been diagnosed with NPD in the past. About four years ago when our daughter (whom lives with her) came to me and my current wife and told us about abuse in the home, I launched a two year and multi-thousand dollar court campaign to get custody. The battle ended up in only a partial victory with myself receiving more visitation time (the less time with her mother, the better off she is) and with my court complaint of both mental and physical abuse being dismissed by a Guardian Ad Litem as well as the GAL-appointed therapist. My daughter later admited that her mother instructing her to lie to both parties and bolster her mother as the actual victim but, once it's too late...it's too late. I have discovered over the past years that my ex-wife has summarily suaded all of my daughters teachers against sharing any details of her shcool or behavioral issues with me unless I demanded it. I've also discovered that she has painted a rather colorful picture of myself and made me out to be a villain to people with whom I consider allies in raising my daughter - family friends, therapists, school administrators, sports coaches, etc. I am considering going back to court given the new stories my wife and I hear coming from my daughter's other home. I'm not so naive that I take every word my 10 year old daughter brings me as absolute truth - especially with the intimidation and gas-lighting that has molded her view of reality. I am hearing things that would make sense though given my personal knowledge of my ex-wife's disorder, even if the info came from a different source. I've also been able to corroborate some of the stories with sources outside of our circle. Does anyone know of any literature either web or printed that explains how to defeat the narcisist in court, how to expose them, court precedence, etc. I have hopes that my daughter is still at an age where therapy will help her and I need to move fast.

Beth McHugh (13211) 13 Sep 2008 04:13 PM

Hi md5417, I would look at going back to the original therapist who diagnosed your ex-wife with NPD. Although they are not at liberty to discuss the case with you, you may be able to use this therapist as an expert witness in any custody case you may enter into. You can't "defeat a narcissist in court" per se, but you can alert your lawyer to the possibility of your wife's NPD and then engage a psychologist who can give expert evidence in court. Unfortunately your daughter is too young to fully understand the intricacies of the disorder, so you and the court would really be reliant on whether she feels she is personally suffering while in the care of your ex-wife. Narcissists can also be very charming when they need to be and certainly court of law would be a case in point. In the long term, and whatever the outcome may be, you need to be there to support your daughter until such time as she is old enough to recognize the insidious pattern of narcissism. Best wishes, Beth

tiredofdysfunction (5) 05 Oct 2008 06:18 PM

Hi, I am new to this forum and so glad that I found it because I have been so frustrated in dealing with my mother and siblings. I have often felt in their presence as if I was in the twilight zone or in an Alfred Hitchcock film where the camera is askew. Denial of reality is so thick that its not even funny. I have tried to move from blame and bitterness to compassion and truth. Nevertheless, navigating a relationship with my family is terribly difficult and I have had to erect loving boudaries. Unfortunately, they do not see the boundaries and the truth as loving, and have decided to team up against me and say that it is me that has a mental problem. Truth is always skewed in my family by faulty perceptions. A little about my mom. Her parents died when she was 2 years old and she was then separated from her siblings as they were packaged up and sent to different homes within the larger family. My mother was sent to live with an aunt and her husband. The aunts husband repeatedly sexually abused my mother (she wont talk about it much, but she has mentioned it happening for years I believe). Nevertheless, my mother speaks about it as if it was "just something that happened back then". My mother has always been critical, never told me really that she loved me (accept in mocking me when I mentioned it to her that I haven't heard it), she routinely says cruel things to us and then says that we are sensitive, always says things to others to suggest that we have academically fallen short even though we are all doing well and are intelligent, and generally she has a wall up where even though you try to reach her heart and tell her how you feel she rejects it and invalidates your feelings. She then will turn around and demand the same empathy, respect, etc. that she has just told you that you are sensitive to ask for. Empathy seems to be nonexistent. As an example, I don't have children and have always wanted them. As I cried and told her how it pained me to not be able to have kids, her immediate response was "I was never able to live life as selfishly as you do". I was dumbfounded (sp.?) Now, she is 80 years old and has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. She is now living with me and I am trying to compassionately care for her while maintaining the boundaries that I learned of in counseling. My other siblings show signs like my mom of BPD and NPD. Especially my brother, who is nasty on every occasion to me, says belittling comments, always acts as if he is doing more than he is in actuality (i.e. He doesn't show up to care for my mom, neither do many of my siblings except one who flew in to help me), yet my brother and other siblings make comments of me that I don't show love, I am mentally ill, think I am better than they, and generally that I am reaping the backlash of my bad behaviors towards them. (these "bad behaviors" are my telling the truth about our family, and pointing out a system of denial and running from the truth). They are really mad with me, yet when there is a family need, they readily drop it on my doorstep and then criticize my efforts. Please comment if you would. I need some clarity. What does it sound like my mother has? What of my family? How do I navigate these relationships while dealing with death and dying issues with my mom/family? I believe I am dealing with narcissistic rage with my family and am trying to stay free from the emotional entanglement of dysfunction. Any suggestions?

Beth McHugh (13211) 06 Oct 2008 02:47 PM

Hi tiredofdysfunction, it certainly sounds like your mother has problems empathizing with others, and that there is a culture of blame and shame within the family itself. More boundaries are required here to protect yourself, particularly from your brother. I would need to ask you a host of questions to determine if your mother really has NPD, and for your own peace of mind you would be best to try to challenge your brother to care for your mother if he does not like the way you are handling the situation. This will naturally cause him to back off since it seems unlikely that he will take on the role. Similarly, it is not appropriate for your siblings to "run to your door" and then criticize the help they receive. Yet you have to look at your own role in maintaining that particular scenario. You have more power here in this situation than you realize and yet you must guard against the stress of caring for an elderly mother, particularly one so hostile. Setting boundaries and keeping them are so important in situations such as these. You can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com if you need additional assistance in dealing with the situation. Best wishes, Beth

txgyrl (5) 20 Dec 2008 09:00 AM

it is difficult for me to explain the anguish my narcissistic mother has inflicted on her family.(narcissistic by proxy, dxd) i believe that she has been institutionalized about 2 times in her 76 yrs. but that is a subject that is not open for discussion to my 2 sisters and i. which has made it extremely difficult for us to understand what is wrong with this family. why we all have emotional problems and immune disorders....we had suspected that this was the case, but not confirmed until i started therapy about 4 mos ago. although all of us were abused in some manner, my father and i seemed to bear the brunt of her fury. she lies and knows she lies, but whatever it takes to get her way.. i am the youngest in birth order, i was the one she was not supposed to have(doctors orders)the one that was supposed to die before i was twelve because she took xray treatments for her acne while she was pregnant with me. i am the one she abused in assorted manners, some i'm too ashamed to admit. im the one she told that she wished had never been born, i'm a terrible mother(even though i raised three God fearing, law abiding, employed and community involved sons alone without any help from my parents or their dad). i know i am not perfect. being a doormat to my mom led into an abusive marriage and long standing severe depression and low self esteem. my mother is the most selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, self-interested person i have ever known. not until my mid twenties did i undertand that it was her that had the problem not me, as narcissist project their feelings on you....so i began to set boundaries. She blamed me for philandering husband,"what did you do to make him do that". nothing, but ki$$ his a$$ everyday.(think he possibly was npd, too) i was assaulted in my home in 2004 and after a lifetime of this, i sought help, because i wanted to commit suicide. i was good for nothing..last year i was hospitalized 2 times. have sat in a near catatonic state for about one and a half years. .....in june my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, so it became necessary for me to help drive my dad to his treatments 2 hrs away, even though, i had not been driving for sometime.(i have ptsd)my oldest sister has lupus and rhematoid arthritis, my middle sister had a brain aneurysm in 2000 and more recently been hospitalized for a spinal cord tumor as a result of surviving her brain injury. so she is completely out of the loop. now we have been taking care of our dad(my oldest sister and I) since this began.....we are overextended, but he is appreciative and lovable and it is easy to do it for him. but extremely difficult to see him suffer at her hands...he has suffered much more than he should have by being denied his medicine as "he can't take pain and never could" all my life, he has agreed to whatever she said in order to keep peace, even if it damaged one of their children. most recently, i say about 2 months ago, she contracted shingles, understandably a painful virus, but she was as always a non-compliant patient...so now(in her mind)this has become a life threatening ordeal. she is stressed because she doesnt have her whipping boy anymore and cannot make him wait on her hand and foot, even though he still tries. i believe that he has had a nervous breakdown and cannnot get out from under her dominion. ive asked him to come stay with me for a while, just till he gets on his feet, but what about mom...none of the children are willing to kill themselves for her...i do the best that i can, but she really doesnt want anyting from me, she considers me a rival with my dad (sick)she once called me the "other woman", when he was telling me a story about his childhood on the farm..the real deal now is that i feel like the progress ive made myself, im starting to lose. i feel myself slipping..from all the negativity and uncertainty. i cant sleep not even the four hours i used to get...i feel like something should be said to my mother, but i know i risk being ostracized and then that will put the pressure all on my sister. and i do not want to miss a minute that i can spend with my dad..but we cannot even talk when i am there, because it's all about her and her needs and how having the shingles was worse than having a baby. mind you i know they are painful, but this was a small spot on her forehead, not around her waist and she wants to compare that with what my dad has been through(i believe the stress that brought on the shingles is because she is so in love with herself and desirable by all men, that when she went to have 2 top front teeth pulled and replaced with perfect partial with no gap, she became so distraught, that it caused her breakdown in health)my dad shuffles little baby steps to fix her breakfast, when there is nothing wrong with her legs, arms, back or anything... she just is entitled to it. my dad's mind is turning to mush(like mine did), he cant sign his name anymore, he cant think anymore, he just wants to sleep, if he is awake and she is too, he is shaking all over uncontrolably. she denied him his ativan through the course of his cancer treatment while she had her xanax...i do not want to sacrifice my dad, by not saying anything...aps has already called me and i dont know what to do...i know this whole blog is gonna sound very choppy and disconnected and i apologize, i am normally more together than this..

Beth McHugh (13211) 31 Dec 2008 09:07 PM

Hi txgyrl, no, you don't sound choppy or disconnected, you sound like you have had a lifetime of dealing with a very dysfunctional mother. Have you considered having therapy or have any of your siblings done so? To be under the spell of a narcissistic mother is an extremely painful experience and because it starts from the time of your birth, you have no idea what is going on until much later in life. Good boundaries are essential in dealing with your mother and you need to put yourself yourself and your father first, possibly for the first time in your life. This is easy to say but hard to do until you work on understanding how narcissists function. Read as much as you can on the subject. If you need additional help you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

dianelechter (5) 18 Feb 2009 11:15 AM

My brother, after being fined by the SEC over $1,000,000 for illegally "investing" his clients' money, including mine, fled to Capetown SA. Once there, he insisted that everyone else was wrong and that he left the US because he hates the US rather than because he is unwilling to face up to civil and likely criminal charges from the SEC. He gave up his US citizenship and spends his free time writing malicious blogs about other people that are based on gradiose self-righteous indignation.

Beth McHugh (13211) 19 Feb 2009 04:25 PM

Hi Diane, sounds like your brother is refusing to take personal responsibility for his actions.

CamomileTea (16) 20 Mar 2009 01:09 PM

I am a very recent awakened soul. I have in the last 6 months come face to face with my secret life as an abused daughter. The emotions change from utter rage to raw numbness. My body can't cope with the actual severity of pain, resentment and loss of my existence. I have spent it being manipulated and moulded like dough to accommodate father's needs. I have seen and only now beginning to understand why my siblings never went anywhere near him. I always thought they were icy cold ungrateful children who are where they are in life because of the help of my father. But of course, as has been heard among our family, he only provided money for education. That is all he was there for. To provide financial support for education. No wonder none of us can bear his presence for a mere few moments. And there I was being angry and expressing it towards my siblings.

This is truly a double-eged sword. I have on one hand been acutely aware of what I have been subjected to. Youngest of 6, but 'the one'. Yet on the other hand couldn't bear to admit the truth of what has been a 30 year ordeal (I'm 37, father is 79). That made me 21 to his 62 years. To confront the reality (as has been the case for the last 6 months) has been emotionally demanding, heavy and enlightening. Then comes along absolute inner rage and anger and hurt, pain, absolute hatred for father. Suddenly memories I trained myself to bury are resurfacing, even today I am rethinking times when I exchanged the most extraordinary dialogue that nobody will tolerate let alone bother to give oxygen in response. The problem I did was respond. I responded. Then again he groomed me as a weak sufferable animal.

Oh how good he was blinding me. He groomed me so brilliantly. He knew precisely what he was doing. I had even seen him shout and belittle people; He despised and offended highly intelligent peers. And what did I do? Defend him. I was his defender, his martyr, his mother. The problem today is that I now live with this weak pathetic abusive child-man. I in fact do so because my parents are not really able to cope otherwise - I take on the paperwork - Power of Attorney-type responsibilities - Thus leaving 5 siblings the absolute gold-lined luxury of not ever feeling the slightest tiniest sense of guilt, duty or sense of it is their problem. He abused my mother for 35 years of her beautiful life. It is understandable that she has for the past 25 years dominated, controlled, bullied him. She has absolute power over him. I hate seeing this. I am the referee, I end up defending father. And he loves it. I am now defending him further. SCREAM!!!!!!! My mother's life destroyed, further destroyed by spending it in further pain. She has no other way to deal with her lost existence. Her life was killed when she met my father. Now she is spending it killing him, as she has no energy to love herself. I feel sick, angry and enraged. I breathe when I am away or go through a day avoiding him. But it takes a simple innocent request or comment that has the capacity to drag me well down, nail me, remind me who I am and where I am supposed to be. It looks like he is destined to live till his 100th year - what punishment. He loves to decide when he has dementia - he pretends to act like he has Alzheimer's with me, and complete utter strangers. It gets him attention. Funny how he behaves like a competent individual with others. He flits through one mental persona to the other so easily. He lies every day of his life, so it is impossible to know when he is in genuine pain.

Recently I've been denying him attention, interested to see this 78 year old razor sharp dictator's response who loves to play deaf (when he chooses), stupid, child-like vulnerable old frail man. He is hating it. Absolutely hating my responses. He's actually remarkably astute. He will prolong eye contact or turn his head trying to intimidate me, sensing a change - a vital slight change in my normal responses to him. Now that I have the support of these online resources, I can demonstrate to him that I am not his plaything. He has destroyed me. He subtracted a large portion of my existence. I could have been married, with a job and children by now. I have never grown up. I always wondered why. Now I know. I am eager to make the most of the remainder of my life and embrace the life I was given, like a baby's first yell in this world. I will track down happiness.

Beth McHugh (13211) 26 Mar 2009 04:19 PM

Hi Camomile Tea, it is very exciting to hear how far you have come and are now willing to embrace life and happiness. You now see the problem for what it is and in time will realize that at last you are in the power seat after all these years.Good luck! Best wishes, Beth

CamomileTea (16) 20 Apr 2009 06:51 AM

Thank you Beth.

Tricky though that I am living at home with NF and long-suffering and now abusive mother (her revenge for living with NF). Each day since learning what N really is and identifying this odd behaviour that nobody ever witnessed is a very real and scientifically acknowledged disorder. I am waiting for counselling to commence which is the first I speak to a professional face to face about this. Each day however is really a day at a time whilst I am living here. I willbe cruel to be kind (to myself). Thank you.

Blithe (10) 05 Jul 2009 11:42 AM

Hi Beth and all, this was a useful article -- thank you. I was in a year long relationship with a guy who I think exhibited a lot of narcissistic personality traits but I'm not sure if he was a true narcissist or just became that way under pressure -- would appreciate your views. At the beginning of the relationship he was v. attentive to me and seemed to be v. sensitive to my feelings. After a few months he became obsessively self-involved, v. draining to be with as he talked about himself all the time, was v. critical of others and v. sensitive to criticism himself. I always knew he had issues with his mother (she was quite a damaged person who really idolised him in many ways) but then it emerged that he was also the victim of childhood abuse (physical and emotional). He said our relationship made him feel safe enough to go into therapy, and I cared about him a lot and wanted to stick with him while he went through that, but while he was in therapy he behaved v. badly. I really wilted in the atmosphere of the last months of the relationship -- I didn't feel at ease around him because he was v. impatient and critical in a way which made me feel that I wasn't clever enough or sparkling enough for him as a personality. He decided that the relationship wouldn't work because I wasn't being vulnerable with him, and was too passive, childish and irresponsible. This really hurt, as did his objection to the fact that I wouldn't act out various fantasies with him (socially/sexually) (he said I was repressed and needed help). By the end he was totally absorbed in himself and unable to acknowledge or face up to the pain he was causing me. I stuck with him until it got so unbearable I asked him to make a decision as to whether or not he really wanted to be with me. He said not and I was devastated, because I'd invested a lot in this man and the beginning of the relationship had seemed so good. A few months later he started going out with a girl who is eleven years younger than him, a PhD student younger than some of his students, who he has always idolised because she's incredibly clever (he's an academic) -- she's pretty brilliant and a lot younger and more charismatic than me, so I can see why he would be attracted to her but it hurts so much to think he could just drop the relationship with me. It would help me to believe that he had a personality disorder like narcissism but a few things confuse me (1) although he had trouble understanding people who didn't hold his views, he wasn't utterly ruthless in a professional capacity and showed a lot of caring and concern for others (his students, his friends). I don't think this was all fake. (2) he had at least 3 really nice friends who I really liked and respected -- intelligent people who rated him highly. (3) inbetween the abusive behaviour (using me as an emotional punchbag or devaluing me) he could still be kind and loving in other ways. A year after it all ended, and I still haven't been able to get over this -- still grieving for the loss of that relationship and trying to make sense of it all. Hope you can help!

Blithe

Beth McHugh (13211) 05 Jul 2009 06:19 PM

Hi Blithe, I'm sorry you have had such an unpleasant experience with this man who you obviously still care for in many ways. I really can't make an assessment of whether he has a personality disorder or not based on your posting. I would need to systematically examine many of his behaviors and beliefs. This would entail you taking out one or more sessions. If you choose to do this you are more than welcome to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes, Beth

Blithe (10) 06 Jul 2009 04:16 AM

Hi Beth,

Thank you. I have a face-to-face counsellor already so I won't be signing up for any sessions at the moment but will keep it in mind. The counselling has been helpful in showing me that a lot of the problems of that relationship were more about my ex's beliefs and behaviour than mine, but I couldn't see that at the time and am still struggling to see it! A lot of us (partners/family members) fuel narcissistic behaviour I think by not addressing it directly (I just thought he needed a lot of love to feel secure and stop craving praise all the time). Thank you for posting all these articles -- I'll have a read of some of the others too.

Blithe

Beth McHugh (13211) 06 Jul 2009 05:45 PM

Hi Blithe, it's great that you have gained insight into your ex's behaviour and realized the pattern that is going on, or rather, was going on. Although this condition is not common, you will gain the skills to recognize the disorder in others in the future. Good luck! Beth

stillparentingafteralltheseyears (265) 31 Jul 2009 03:32 PM

I can relate to much of the articla and the responses. My mother definately has NPD, my older sister pointed this out to me years ago but it was not until my father was dying that I saw the truth. My mother treated him badly but I find some comfort in knowing I was able to help him die with some dignity and peace. What is working for me is to spend as little time with her as possible and treat her as I would someone I barely know, which is in fact the reality. My husband's father, also NPD, followed through on his much repeated threat to kill himself two months ago. I find myself envying my husband his release from having to deal with his NPD parent.

turouge (5) 25 Aug 2009 10:44 AM

I have lived with my boyfriend for 6 months. We have been together 4 years. I did not understand the nature of his "problem" until just a few days ago when my daughter said "wow mom he is such a narcissist". I have always called it a God Complex. We laughed and joked about it, but it is no longer funny. I looked up as much information online as I could absorb in the last few days and took several quizzes - on his behalf - and I believe he would be diagnosed with NPD. The selfishness, self absorbed, only he is right, and my thoughts and feelings don't count, behavior has become unbearable. Money issues....oh ya, I gave himn $31,000 cash to remodel HIS second home in another state with the understanding that my name would go on the house. Damn, shoulda done that BEFORE I gave him the money. My name hasnt gone on the house and when I ask I get guilted into quiet submission about it. I am at the point that I want out, but the self-esteem issues and fear of being alone, and all the other typical issues that arise with living with someone like this are very present...not to mention 31,000 other reasons.

Grizelda (241) 15 Oct 2009 12:28 AM

So sorry for you, Turouge. That's a real mess. I think I would find an attorney to talk to - I'm not sure what kind - a divorce attorney? If you've got proof you paid him, it looks like you could sue to get your money back (or he could be forced to put your name on the house?) Best of luck!

Beth McHugh (13211) 22 Oct 2009 05:36 PM

Just a reminder to all readers of the narcissism blogs that I have set up a forum specifically for adult children of NPDs. You can find it under "Forums" at my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes, Beth