"I'm a Bad Mother!"by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger 20 Aug 2007 11:38 PM This is a cry that I hear from literally hundreds of mothers, both in the course of my counseling experience and simply from comments dropped by friends, acquaintances and even complete strangers. But it is a particularly poignant cry from mothers who are experiencing emotional upheaval, often chronic in nature, and who also have the added responsibility of caring for children as well as the minefield of mental illness. No matter what the life experience of the mother, whether it be depression, post-partum depression, bipolar disorder, or an anxiety disorder, the concern is the same. "I'm not good enough!" or "I'm worried I'm hurting my children in some way" or "What if my illness is making them sick, too?" or "They'd be better off with a well mother". The last one is a particularly sad expression of guilt and remorse since it is so unwarranted. Having a mental illness does not make you a bad parent. This is where the stigma of mental illness is so debilitating across the board: It even encroaches on a parent's self belief in themselves to offer love, the most important aspect of parenting. Being emotionally ill in no way detracts from a parent's love for their offspring. Whenever I come across a parent making any of these comments in therapy, I always offer the same piece of information. If you are worried that you are not a good mother then you ARE a good mother! At such times I impress upon the distraught mother that the very fact that they are thinking these thoughts and also expressing them to a third party means that they, as a parent, are aware of their shortcomings and therefore are not in denial and blind to the possible detrimental effects they may be having on their children. It is the so-called "normal" parent who lives their life largely for themselves, who blindly follows a career path or a social life oblivious to the effect it may be having on their children, who is failing as a parent. So if you think that you are a bad parent, believe me, you are not. This also applies to parents who have let their children down, perhaps as a result of years of chronic alcoholism and have taken steps to change and have a long term history of wholesome living and recovery. They too consider that they have been bad parents, and in a way they have, but they have done something about it. If you have never questioned your parenting skills, then it is perhaps time for a reality check, because any good parent is constantly monitoring the effects their behaviors are having on their child. If you worry, you're fine! Or as we therapists say, you are a "good-enough" parent. And that is all a child needs. Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue. Learn more about Beth McHugh  Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher. Relevantmental health tags sex | children | marriage | relationships | pregnancy | parenting | Kids | Scrapbooking | family | christmas User Comments cstaci (5) 02 Jun 2008 09:02 PMI feel like my parents think I'm a bad mother. I can't remember the last time either one of them told me that I was a good mom, or that I was doing a good job raising my kids. I feel like I have to constantly and consciously do things better so that I can feel like they approve of my parenting. They are always stepping on my toes and telling me what I need to do better and I feel like even if I do what they say it's still not good enough. I try to tell them how I feel and they tell me that it must be my own insecurities that make me feel that way. Is there anything I can do to get them off my back, other than to move out of the same state???  Beth McHugh (13186) 02 Jun 2008 09:34 PMHi cstaci, you may not be able to get your parents to ever tell you that you are a great mom. They may not operate by giving praise where praise is due. Did they praise you when you did well in school, or danced well, or cooked well, or have they been like this as long as you can remember? What I am trying to establish is whether it's just about your parenting, or it's everything you do. You need to be able to set boundaries for your parents as you don't need your confidence in your parenting ability eroded. We all question our ability in that area at times and we certainly don't need hecklers from the back stalls! I would encourage you pick a particular practice they comment on, and tell them that if they continue to belittle your attempts, then you will have to change the subject and tell them why you are changing the subject. If they continue to hassle you, gently but firmly ask them to go home for that day. This needs to be repeated and reinforced continually, so that they get the message that you will not put up with this particular behavior of theirs. If you find you need help in asserting yourself firmly and confidently, you are welcome to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor Good luck, Beth Angeleyes333 (5) 15 May 2009 09:23 PMI constantly question whether or not my mothering skills are up to par. Not only do I feel like maybe others look at me as a bad mom, (for instance they look at me as a bad mom because of my disciplinary actions, or my personal life and the actions that go with it) but also I question it myself. My parents have have told me a time or two that I'm a good mother, but are constantly trying to correct what I'm doing. I do something that I don't think is horribly wrong, but they disagree which in turn makes me feel like I'm a bad mom. Unfortunately, what makes it really hard is the fact that I live with them, and we've had issues in the past that kept us from talking for about 3 years. So, not only can I not raise my own child by myself because I have my mom, dad, and 3 sisters trying to tell me how to do it, but I have to try to raise him under their scrutiny. And, if I have an opinion about anything...it's shunned and basically turned around to make it my fault. It's hard because I am trying the best I can, and I do put my son first...they just tend to see it differently. For example...they think that it is horrible that in the morning when my son wakes up, I put him in bed with me and we lay there and roll around and play until I come to the conclusion that it's time to get up. As my mom put it "you make that little boy wait in the morning until YOU are ready to get up..." but then she turned around and said I was a good mom....? Another instance, I spent some money on myself and she said that "I would have never spent that money on myself...I would feel horrible for not spending it on my child..." But its like, I know for a fact that she was not a perfect mother, so why is she trying to control me and my mothering skills?? I really don't understand it. Sure, I'm not perfect, and yes I am human and I make mistakes and wrong judgments, but give me a break! I kinda vented....lol sorry! Anyway, I can definitely relate to this article. Not only have I been diagnosed (when I was 16 - 5 years ago) with MDD - major depression disorder, but also I was told I was bipolar as well. I think that I still struggle with depression alot, and possibly even being bipolar, and that makes it really hard. I think my whole situation (divorced in October, being a new mom, living back at home, and starting completely over with practically nothing) has brought me back down to that depression level. So, I can see where depression and other mental illnesses go hand-in-hand with questioning your mothering skills and everything like that. I'm sorry for the long post...just had a lot to say I guess! Community Tags anxiety, bad mother, depression, good parenting, mothering, postpartum depression Discuss this article
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