How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Death?

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

11 Sep 2008 10:15 PM

Well, what's your guess? Six weeks, six months, a year? Six years? Or all of the above?

Mental health experts agree that it takes a minimum of one year to come to grips with the death of a close family member. And that does not mean that at the end of a year one is really "over it." What it does mean is that, after one year, all of the important milestones have been passed, that is, the first birthday, Christmas, wedding anniversary, Father's Day or Mother's Day. There has also been time for the routine of life to be re-established, albeit without the company of the missing loved one. But even after a year, the pain can be searing at times.

Initially after a death, people often seem to cope quite well, particularly in the period between the actual death and the funeral. There is much to do at this time and it is not uncommon for the bereaved person to be seen to be functioning extremely well under the circumstances. Even weeks after, people still drop in for visits and activity levels are high, which is good for distracting the person from their profound loss.

And then there are those milestones mentioned above to get through. These, plus the loneliness of night time, can be the hardest to bear. As time passes, the pain eases, but can return in full force at the least expected time. Mothers of grown children who have died can suddenly break down in the toy department as they pass through, even though their adult child has been dead for some years and it may be decades since the deceased was a child.

Our memories keep the pain alive, but they also keep our loved ones alive, too. Therefore we have to accept the pain so that one day we can experience the happy memories of our loved ones again. Some days we will cry, some days we won't think about them at all. Sometimes we cope well, other times not.

And although the world seems to have a timetable for us to get over our grieving, which in most cases in unrealistically short, we grieve in our own time, whether we like it or not.

And it takes as long as it takes.

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Related articles:

Coping with Death

The Experience of Losing a Parent

Why It Can Be Hard to Lose a Parent You Dislike (1)

Why It Can Be Hard to Lose a Parent You Dislike (2)

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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Courtney Mroch (9169) 12 Sep 2008 11:58 AM

What a wonderful article, Beth. I'm still in the relatively early stages of grieving. Not quite new, but not quite old. My mom's birthday is coming up in October. I'm expecting that might be a hard day. My birthday is coming up too, for that matter, before hers and already I'm missing the no card in the mail. (As did Wayne, because his birthday's the week before mine and he commented that he not only missed recieving her card but her phone call. She was good about calling to wish her favorite "son" happy birthday.)

What surprised me was how much grieving I did on our vacation. Maybe it's because I finally had time just to digest all the events of the past few months. That, and the salmon were running. Returning home to spawn then die. Near the end my mom talked constantly about "going home." I couldn't help but think of her. And the cruise we were on had a lot of people around her age. And when we flew I thought of her because the last time I was on a plane was to go see her then bring her back with me. The list of things that reminded me of her go on and on, and I shed many tears during the vacation.

Thanks for this wonderful article. I hope it reassures others as it's reassured me that grieving is personal and takes, as you said, as long as needed. Thank you, Beth.

Beth McHugh (13186) 13 Sep 2008 03:22 PM

Hi Courtney, it's great that you were able to grieve while you were away on holidays. You are right, it's the weekends and on holidays that we actually let go and let the grieving process really get underway as we are less distracted. You will miss you Mom on your birthday (and other days!) but let it out and ride with it. And remember to take as long as it takes, and don't let others impose their "timetable of grieving" upon you. Make those birthdays that are coming up be special days for you. Thanks Court, Beth.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 15 Sep 2008 06:23 AM

Thanks for the wonderful, kind and ultra sympathetic advice, Beth.