How a Narcissist Thinks

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

21 Oct 2007 05:08 PM

People who live, work or interact socially with a person who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often at a loss as to the way in which the latter's mind works. They are more than selfish, they appear to have little or no social conscience, yet on the other hand can exude a sense of charm that other, more normal people, could never compete with. So just what makes these people tick?

People suffering from personality disorders in general have not gone through the same maturation processes that more well-balanced people normally do throughout the course of their childhood and early adulthood. Narcissists in particular suffer from a kind of developmental delay, where they have not successfully achieved the normal developmental milestone of recognizing that they as a person are separate from their primary caregiver, usually the mother.

In normal children, this developmental stage takes place early in infancy, and the emerging mind of the child learns that s/he is not the same person as the mother, and most importantly, that the mother is separate from them. This latter mechanism results in the common infant phenomenon where, by the age of about nine months, children become visibly upset when their mothers are out of sight. This is a normal manifestation of the fear that Mother may not come back. Soon, children born into stable households where Mother does come back, learn that although Mother is a separate entity to them, she is reliable and will return to serve their needs.

The sufferer of Narcissistic Personality Disorder has not successfully traversed this important milestone in development. They do not realize that other people are separate entities, with their own needs, lives and wants. Narcissists treat people as if they only exist to serve the narcissist's needs, and they have little regard for those who do not pay court to their wishes. In fact, they often develop an active dislike for those they cannot control and manipulate. Even those who will do their bidding can fall out of favor in a heartbeat should they stand up to the narcissist and say "no."

Narcissists don't really "see" anyone else, only their potential use as an object to carry out their wishes. This is why children of narcissists often feel as though they are "invisible" and worthless." Of course, they are neither invisible nor worthless, but the narcissistic parent has transferred that feeling onto them. In fact, it is the narcissist themselves who has a deep sense of worthlessness.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Related Articles:

Defending Yourself against the Aging Narcissist (1)

Defending Yourself against the Aging Narcissist (2)

The Aging Narcissistic Parent (1)

The Aging Narcissistic Parent (2)

The Aging Narcissist (3)

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

Narcissism - Symptoms and Treatment (1)

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Dealing with a Narcissitic Family Member

Is Your Boss a Psychopath?

Dealing with the Office Psychopath

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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cremix (20) 16 Aug 2009 06:22 PM

I've read and re-read this. I understand the words, but cannot comprehend how someone could be this way -- but voila! there's my mom. Ugh! I spend so much energy being frustrated but I can't help it... ! I try as I might to find the logic in the behaviour and I can't.

Grizelda (241) 09 Oct 2009 11:24 PM

oops - I put my post in the "Community Tags" area and really messed up. I'll try again.

I don't understand this either. I guess if I knew WHY some babies can't individuate from their moms I might comprehend it better - but sometimes I tend to think it's just biological. A psychopath's child, raised by normal parents, is more likely to become a psychopath (and I think NPD maybe a milder variant of psychopathy.)

My experience with N's suggests that their mothers over-idealize them, coddle them, don't let them have to face the consequences of their bad behavior -- the moms give in to the child's tantrums and so the child learns he's in charge of his own mother, and so, he also learns that he can use aggression, tantrums, bullying, etc., to control everybody and to get whatever he wants.

But though it's hard for me to ponder, I do accept that Beth is right - it's just too abstract for me, and not as intuitive as the "spoiled child" theory. Or maybe it IS a form of the spoiled child theory. In any case, I'm delighted that so much of this nightmare has been explained by therapists like Beth who are caring enough to share with us, so we finally have a chance to figure it out and break free!

Beth McHugh (13211) 12 Oct 2009 04:01 PM

Hi Grizelda and other readers, I'm back after a long drawn out computer problem with the Families computer so I apologize for not answering your queries. I've been able to see them but not answer. Most frustrating! Please give me some time to work through all the comments, particularly the NPD articles which attract so many comments. Talk to you all soon! Best wises, Beth

Beth McHugh (13211) 14 Oct 2009 09:51 PM

NPD can also develop where there has been a trauma in the sufferers young life. So-called "spoiled" children do not necessarily end up narcissists, otherwise we would see a lot more narcissists in the population! There is also believed to be a genetic component to the disorder as it can be often traced through the family tree.

Beth McHugh (13211) 22 Oct 2009 05:27 PM

Just a reminder to all readers of the narcissism blogs that I have set up a forum specifically for adult children of NPDs. You can find it under "Forums" at my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes, Beth