Don't Give Your Children Everything

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

08 Apr 2008 10:17 PM

Hands up all those parents who want their children to have a better life than they did? This seems to be one of the most universal desires of parents the world over. It's natural to want your child to have a better education, better nutrition, indeed better everything. We want to provide the very best start in life for our child. What parent wouldn't?

However, it pays to be very discerning when deciding what exactly you mean by "better." Today's children seem to have more toys and more extracurricular choices than we had as children. Our own parents no doubt wanted us to have more than they had as children, too. But when is enough enough?

Watching my own child grow up, I witnessed firsthand during the elementary school years just how many material objects my daughter's friends owned. My husband and I made a deliberate decision to restrict the number of toys, clothes, and other non-necessities that our daughter would possess, even though we could afford more. Of course, by the standards that we were brought up under, she had much more than we had as children. Yet she had far less than her own compatriots at her school. As you can imagine, this did cause fiction at times!

Yes, she wanted every new trend: some she got, some she didn't. Some kids at her school seemed to get everything. And we sure got to hear about it! But somehow we endured the pleading and the whining because we looked at the bigger picture.

We both knew that life doesn't always give you what you want, and sometimes it takes away things that cannot be replaced, like people. We wanted our child to learn the value of things, and also to learn that they are only "things," and most of them are not necessary to a happy life.

Giving your child everything they want sets that child up for high levels of frustration, rage, and sadness in later life when life inevitably says "No!" Sure, it's easy to go out and buy the latest toys. It's fun to see them play with them, and we get pleasure by giving pleasure to our children. But we must also give them other gifts. Gifts of patience, of learning to control impulses, of learning to grieve over something truly lost.

If your child is used to being told "Yes, you may," what happens when they don't get invited to that birthday party they wanted to go to? When the girl they think is hot is not interested in them? When they find out they are infertile? When their life partner walks out on them?

By teaching children right from the start that they can't have everything they want, or they can't have it right away but must wait, we teach resilience and we teach perseverance. They will need these qualities in great supply if they are to succeed and thrive as adults.

So next time your child asks you for yet another material object, think about what personality trait you are fostering. Yes, give your children some things they desire so that they may experience joy and hope, but let them also know disappointments, that they may also learn strength, patience, and resilience. These are by far the better gifts to receive.

Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.

Related articles:

Are You Breeding a Frankenkinder?

Setting Healthy Boundaries for your Children

Are You an Enabler?

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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JamieLynn (30) 09 Apr 2008 07:20 AM

I completely agree with you. My kids have more than I did when I was younger, but not as much as some of the kids they are around do. I don't believe in spoiling them. Spoiling them with material things and letting them get their way all the time also spoils the soul. Great article. I have to pass this along to some women I know!

Lainielou (161) 09 Apr 2008 07:47 AM

Children in the US are amazingly privileged. I live five miles from Mexico so I am used to seeing poor, hungry kids. My kids are asking for Puma tennies, or the latest video games and Ipods. The poor children around here ask for a job! Here is what happened when we decided to change our shopping habits: Our family decided not to buy items made in countries that are communist, where the "Party" is only one who benefits and the "People" nearly starve. or countries that employ children to manufct. the goods our spoiled kids can't live without! Once we put our beliefs above our wants, our kids' "spoiled factor" went way down, and frankly mine did to! It wasn't easy to have 13 and 10 year olds jump on board with us, but we are the parents and we simply educated them on the facts. They shop with us and we share our frustrations as a family over the perfect item (especially when it's on sale) but was not manfct. in one of the countries we buy from. Apply personal morals to your shopping habits, educate yourselves and stick to your beliefs, no matter how hard it is to do so. You'll see a change in your kids and possibly the World! Americans need to wake up.

Beth McHugh (13211) 09 Apr 2008 03:06 PM

If you like this article, then you'll enjoy my coming ones on setting boundaries for your children. Thanks for your feedback!

Lainielou (161) 09 Apr 2008 07:39 PM

Smart, healthy people have healthy boundaries, with many aspects of life; food, alcohol, relationships and things/money, work. If we will lead by example our children will be more apt to have them also. Setting boundaries for kids is more about dealing with the parents habits first. If we don't have self control why would we expect our children to it? Buy what is good for them and have them work towards goals. When is the last time you reached a personal goal? Did your children help you celebrate your victory? I bet if they did, they would want to set a goal for themselves too!

Courtney Mroch (9169) 28 Apr 2008 09:10 PM

Here, Here, Beth! It's so true. I see so many kids I grew up with who had everything but it truly spoiled them. They don't know how to get for themselves now...and frighteningly I see many of my friends doing that to their kids. Much better to let them know it doesn't come easy and give them boundaries like you talked about. Great article!

Beth McHugh (13211) 01 May 2008 04:36 PM

Thanks Courtney, it is a shame to see lovely children ruined by "love". It is such a disservice to the child and actually makes their life harder instead of easier in the long run.