Don't give your children everything

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

04 Aug 2006 11:49 PM

Hands up all those parents who want their children to have a better life than they did? This seems to be one of the most universal desires of parents the world over. It's natural to want your child to have a better education, better nutrition, indeed better everything. We want to provide the very best start in life for our child. What parent wouldn't?

However, it pays to be very discerning when deciding what exactly you mean by "better." Today's children seem to have more toys and more extracurricular choices than we had as children. Our own parents no doubt wanted us to have more than they had as children, too. But when is enough enough?

Watching my own child grow up, I witnessed firsthand during the elementary school years just how many material objects my daughter's friends owned. My husband and I made a deliberate decision to restrict the number of toys, clothes, and other non-necessities that our daughter would possess, even though we could afford more. Of course, by the standards that we were brought up under, she had much more than we had as children. Yet she had far less than her own compatriots at her school. As you can imagine, this did cause fiction at times!

Yes, she wanted every new trend: some she got, some she didn't. Some kids at her school seemed to get everything. And we sure got to hear about it! But somehow we endured the pleading and the whining because we looked at the bigger picture.

We both knew that life doesn't always give you what you want, and sometimes it takes away things that cannot be replaced, like people. We wanted our child to learn the value of things, and also to learn that they are only "things," and most of them are not necessary to a happy life.

Giving your child everything they want sets that child up for high levels of frustration, rage, and sadness in later life when life inevitably says "No!" Sure, it's easy to go out and buy the latest toys. It's fun to see them play with them, and we get pleasure by giving pleasure to our children. But we must also give them other gifts. Gifts of patience, of learning to control impulses, of learning to grieve over something truly lost.

If your child is used to being told "Yes, you may," what happens when they don't get invited to that birthday party they wanted to go to? When the girl they think is hot is not interested in them? When they find out they are infertile? When their life partner walks out on them?

By teaching children right from the start that they can't have everything they want, or they can't have it right away but must wait, we teach resilience and we teach perseverance. They will need these qualities in great supply if they are to succeed and thrive as adults.

So next time your child asks you for yet another material object, think about what personality trait you are fostering. Yes, give your children some things they desire so that they may experience joy and hope, but let them also know disappointments, that they may also learn strength, patience, and resilience. These are by far the better gifts to receive.

Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

TheFamilyCEO (41) 05 Aug 2006 12:16 AM

I've heard it said that you should give your children "everything they need and some of what they want." That sounds like good advice to me.

Megan Bayliss (3586) 05 Aug 2006 12:20 AM

Touche. I am not in a position to give my children a better material life than I had as a child but I am in a better position to teach resilience. The global standards of consumerism still tell us that better parenting is measured by children wearing and playing with the latest brands. My experience is that often the children who do wear and play with the best, suffer a constipated personality and never have had the opportunity to work out who they are or what they really want out of life.

Although we have had the ups and downs of family life, just as everyone else has had, I am proud that my children can all (well...maybe that's a stretch, the teenager going through menopause doesn't fit the model currently!!) use clear communication and articulate their side of an argument and problem solve around wants and needs.

The development of my older children's work ethic has been an amazing process to watch unfold. They both LOVE new things but also understand the work and maintenance that goes along with collecting nice symbols of status. Their status comes from an inner belief in their own abilities and they measure it against how they have assisted others.

As for me....I hate going to the shops soooooo much that my eclectic assortment of hand-me-downs has saved me sufficient funds to now be able to help the kids out with cash as they need it. But.....they know only too well not to even ask for assistance for frivolous or fad items.

And the youngest child....oh dear, I think I may have gone too far. He wants to sponsor the 10,000 needy children himself through World Vision. He went to a school disco last night and wants to put the change toward sponsorship. So now what do I do? Say "give me the change back please," or give him an economics verses community development lecture to help him understand the reality of mass sponsorship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'll let the accountant step-father deal with this one!!!!!!!!!