Denying the Father's Role when Mother is a Narcissistby Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger 08 Jun 2009 04:53 PM One of the more painful aspects of detaching from a narcissist mother is acknowledging the role that the father plays in the family dynamic. I have had many clients who, once they have identified their mothers as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), have to then look at the unpleasant truth of the role their father played in maintaining the status quo. Often my clients proclaim that their father was "wonderful", "warm and "loving" and he may well have been all these things. But the truth is, he allowed his wife to systematically erode the budding egos and personalities of his children. This passive neglect then leads to enormous pain to the child due to the unusual attachment that children of narcissist have with their parents. Of course, this equally applies if the father was the narcissist in the family and the mother was the so-called "normal" parent. Again, the truth is that a well adjusted person would not marry a narcissist in the first place, or if they did, the relationship would flounder as the more well-balanced partner attempted to modify the unrealistic narcissistic demands of the spouse. In effect, the marriage could not survive. Where these marriages continue over time it indicates that the "normal" spouse is either giving in to the demands of the NPD sufferer and in turn, damaging his or her children as an unfortunate byproduct. Alternative, the spouse could simply be turning a blind eye to the goings on, living in their own world and leaving their unfortunate offspring to take the full brunt of the narcissistic behavior on their own. This is too much for a child or young teen to deal with alone. In some cases, their may be overcompensation by the so-called "normal" parent in the form of gifts or activities, so that the child naturally comes to worship this parent as being the "good" parent while identifying the NPD parent as the "bad" parent. This is where the beginnings of much of the "black and white thinking" originates that is so common among adult children of narcissists. But as in all matters nothing is truly black and white and a full recovery from the influence of a narcissistic parent involves the realization that both parents played a part in sustaining and maintaining the narcissistic atmosphere in the family home. Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue. Want an easier way to keep abreast of Beth's latest blogs? By clicking on the "Subscribe via Email" link in the subscription box to the right, you will receive email notification of each new blog as it is published. Related articles: All Articles on Narcissist Personality Disorder Learn more about Beth McHugh  Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher. Relevantmental health tags relationships | Scrapbooking | children | parenting | pregnancy | Kids | family | marriage | sex | christmas User Comments  RescuedbyWolves (20) 09 Jun 2009 09:50 AMI am continually amazed at these blogs. It is like Beth knew me personally. My father usually ignored my mother's abuse, until my mother turned on him for, "Making me out to the bad guy!" She would then verbally abuse him to the point where he snapped, flew into a rage and physically abused me or my sister. Later she would look to us for sympathy about my father's temper, and try to portray him as the bad guy. Oddly enough though, I almost welcomed getting smacked in the face as it was a more concrete gesture and could be easily identified as wrong. It helped me identify that what was going on was abuse. For years my Dad was the "good guy" in my head, until I was able to see that he should have been protecting us far more than he did. She packed her bags to leave him on more than one occasion and he always took her back, even when I begged him to leave her. He said he couldn't because he loved her. Now I see their relationship as codependent and sad. I have my own family now and am able to see my parents on my terms only, but they are still playing their little games with each other. My father helped me out on Saturday for most of the day and we just had a very nice time together - he is wonderful with his granddaughters. Now my mother has been calling me daily, which she never does, and I can tell she is trying to even the score and make sure that I know he has done something bad lately and/or that she is better than he is. She has no interest in being with me or my children until he does, then she has to come and prove that she is the better grandparent. God help me, I so wish she was a smoker or something. I get depressed thinking about how long she is going to continue to live. Grizelda (235) 10 Jun 2009 01:01 PMOh my - I can't imagine how it must feel to have a dad who wouldn't stand up for you (or vice versa) - or worse, to have both parents with NPD, which I know some have endured. I can't imagine have NOBODY loving and sane in your life as a child. What torture. In my case, my father was absent - as a child, I was told he refused to pay child support (or ever send a birthday or Xmas card or present.) I also found out at 6 that he had another wife and children and he DID care about them. Now that I've figured out my mom had NPD, well, maybe no wonder he left her and started over, so to speak. It still doesn't explain his neglect of the most basic of duties toward me - he was ordered to pay $30 a month child support and wouldn't do it !! (1960s) My mother was always spitting mad at him and took him to court, yada yada. For many years, I thought this, and an earlier marriage before my dad, was the reason she was, well, impaired, shall we say? Now I know her condition predated her marriages (and in fact, her NPD probably caused not only her divorces but the majority of my childhood problems.) I did find out many years later that an uncle (husband of my mom's shy elder sister) wanted to adopt me, so he KNEW something wasn't right -- it's a comfort knowing that someone was concerned, and how I wished he'd gone through with it - though NMom would surely have thwarted him, if not killed him and her sister. (she did manage to get her disinherited) Anyway, I've meandered off point, but I do have something similar in my background. My GRANDMOTHER was like a lady Buddha to me, and I lived with her much of the time. She saved my life!! She gave me love and was an ethical, disciplined role model. However, she stood by while my mother smacked me around, yelled, and treated me like a dogsbody. I remember my GM would look down or even leave the room after mom's attacks, and she'd be real sad for a while afterwards, but she never said jack. In fact, she seemed incapable of ever fussing or saying no to anyone - she even allowed my mother to make her disinherit the 3 siblings that my mother was envious of. I know they don't know the cause of NPD for sure, but I can't help but think in my mom's case, it was her mother's doting indulgence and inability to refuse her anything - and she let my mother boss her around like she was her slave. In fact, all the NPDs I've known have had overindulgent moms - but I've only known a handful. Oh -- and I found out after growing up that my father's mother was an NPD as well! A pretty vicious one, who beat him often and put huge responsibilities on his shoulders from a very young age. I bet that's why he hooked up with my NM - he was used to it. I guess I'm glad he got away, even if he did treat me like dirt. I suppose he was afraid to have any contact with my NM *at all*, which I understand, but at the time, it really hurt. Anyway, I'm so grateful for my loving GM. Without her, I can't imagine what my life/personality would have become!! And who knows -- if GM had stood up to my NM over her abuse of me, NM probably wouldn't have let me stay with GM anymore, so maybe I'm even glad she didn't make any waves. A game I like to play when feeling sorry for myself about my past is imagining ways it could have been much worse -- and that's the first thing I think of! Yikes. There were a number of aunts and family friends who tried to help, from time to time, and they all made a difference. So many are totally alone with their toxic parent! At least mine was so addicted to partying and dating and stuff, I really didn't see as much of her as most kids see of their moms. Anyway, I've really meandered off-point, but I do want to add that I LOVE your new message board, Beth! Hope we get some friends over there soon to share with!  Beth McHugh (13186) 11 Jun 2009 06:48 PMHi Rescued and Grizelda, No, I can;t read your minds, but I just know the pattern! NPD is one of my special interests so I guess I have put a lot of time and effort into it. I would like o again welcome readers to share their thoughts and experiences on my new message board which you can find under forums at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth denisearm (26) 15 Jun 2009 08:23 AMI agree, when i first started reading the blogs i felth Beth knew me personally as well. My mother has NPD. I am very knew to blogging but i feel such a need to share because i can relate with all. Last week i buried my father, who died of lung cancer. My father was very much like yours, he would not stick up for his children, he was under my mother's control. I have three sisters and a brother and she has damaged our lives to the point of no return. I am also knew to understanding NPD, but there is no doubt in my mind, my mother has it. It started in our childhood, my mother is a Registered Nurse and she would take just enough pills to black out and get attention from anyone who cared, my father, the neighbors whoever. We were unable to have an opionion, expression, feelings etc.. She verbally and physically abused all the girls, not the boy he was the golden child. We were traumatized by her actions. As we all became teenagers everything got worse. To make a long story short, two sisters turned to drugs and now have mental health issues that are related to the abuse from my mother. I was the go getter, always tryingto gain my mothers attention. But every thing i accomplished i was only let down in the end. My oldest sister was given orders as a child to treat us badly and i believe she picked up some of her ways, My father was the best father you would want, only he would not stand up to my mother. He would make a million excuses for her behavior. He would visit all of us and not tell her, and we would deal with my mother just to visit with with him. She wasnt aware of the relationship he had with us until i read a poem about it at his funeral. He didnt tell anyone he had lung cancer, i think because he knew she was unable to give him the attention he needed, so he waited until the very end,and two months before he died he was hospitalized. When he passed away everything came out after all these years, i blamed her and still do, she allowed him to sit in the hospital with lung cancer while complaining about her needs. The day of the funeral she gave her best performance and everyone was shocked that none of her children cared. I say, it was her final performance. The day of the wake she slammed the door in all her children and grandchildrens face and said, "i dont know why you all came her the food is for the guest". I finally spoke up and she was in shock all she can say was. 'i am your mother". I said so much and it felt wonderful, but i look back and wonder, will it help. now she sits alone with no one. I know it is killing her slowly, and i do have guilt, my sister do not care they say they lived for this day, but after so many years of dealing with this, i finally feel some relieve. unfortunately it took my father's death for this to come to an end, but is it over, she continues to call my sister who is mentally ill because she knows she will pass on information to the rest of us. She is still in the spot light some how. I dont know what else to do. I should be feeling good that i dont have to deal with her anymore. denise ablessingid (7) 23 Jun 2009 10:27 PMI believe my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. On the one hand, she's very altruistic and loving. But at the same time, she has deep feelings of inadequacy and puts forth an attitude of deep victimization. As a result, I think that I, too, have NPD, even though I've been diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Similarly, I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, and I base my judgments of myself on whether others accept me. I have elitist thoughts from time to time, and also lack in empathy. However, I'm not completely devoid of empathy or remorse, as ASPD would suggest. In any case, I find Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to be very helpful, and I wish my mother would give it more consideration. I was recently released from jail after having committed a horrific assault and am maintaining a blog to write about it with hopes of receiving constructive feedback. Check it out sometime, if you're interested: http://ablessingindisguise.org dezertflower (5) 14 Jul 2009 04:57 PMI am at a complete lost and very angry with my entire family all because of my NPD mother. I need help. I don't feel I am getting anywhere with a therapist. Where do I begin? My story is long and it keeps on getting worse. I feel my mother has destroyed me as a person, mother, aunt, sister, wife and family member and I do not know why everyone is ignoring me when it is my mother spreading all these lies. Where do I begin? Beth McHugh (13186) 14 Jul 2009 05:52 PMHi Dezertflower, if you feel you would benefit from therapy you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth Beth McHugh (13186) 22 Oct 2009 05:24 PMJust a reminder to all readers of the narcissism blogs that I have set up a forum specifically for adult children of NPDs. You can find it under "Forums" at my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth Community Tags narcissistic personality disorde Discuss this article
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