Defending Yourself against the Aging Narcissist (2)

HopeNOW (15) 23 Sep 2008 04:20 PM

Beth,

Just wanted to say again that your articles and your online counseling are really helping me deal with my narcissistic mother who also has Alzheimer's--and by dealing with I mean DETACHING and trying to release the guilt and fear that were inherent in our relationship (my side). Since I have so much personal experience with this terrible disorder, which seems to be exponentially increased with Alzheimer's, I would like to make a few comments and ask you a question.

I love what you say about trying to realize the horrendous behavior of the aging narcissist is because they are SICK; dealing with this on a daily in-house situation as a caregiver is debilitating, however. Perhaps many can achieve this separation; it was impossible for me, Beth; and as you know my mother was placed in assisted living and I have not seen her for six weeks and will probably choose never to see her again because of her unremitting abuse.

My question is this and I feel you are uniquely qualified to answer this: when the aging parent has true DSM-IV Narcissitic Personality Disorder and then gets Alzheimer's (which is quite common with this disorder I understand), is it possible or even wise to attempt in-house caregiving? I was convinced that my mother would one day soon be waiting around the corner in her room with scissors and try to kill me. I am not paranoid either. It was that bad.

Just curious about your professional opinion when NPD escalates because of dementia or Alzheimer's. I know a lot of others would be interested in your response, and I know it is an individual thing--but I am very interested. In particular, since the NPD parent cannot tolerate being confronted, when they also have Alzheimer's and cannot be cared for any longer by an adult child who places them in assisted living or a nursing home, this is considered betrayal by the NPD parent. ALWAYS--and thus their destructive behaviors escalate. I guess I answered my own question here...but your views on NPD with dementia or Alzheimer's would be most appreciated. Thank you.

Beth McHugh (12962) 24 Sep 2008 02:39 PM

Hi HopeNOW, as you have read, the narcissism increases with the aging process, not because the narcissism is getting "worse" but because it becomes increasingly difficult for the narcissist to accept the "imperfections" that accompany the aging process. Since much of their reality is built on fantasy, this can only be sustained up to a point. With old age comes the imperfections of wrinkles, arthritis, loss of sexual attraction, loss of an enabling partner perhaps, plus the imposition of poor hearing, poor eyesight, thinning hair, people negating the elderly in general, hospital procedures, etc, all of which are insults to the fragile ego of the narcissist. This in turn makes them even more demanding as they desperately try to hold on to their power. In some ways it is irrelevant that your mother has Alzheimer's, the bottom line is that it becomes even more difficult to reason with a narcissist as they age, the latter disorder merely compounds what that difficulty. It is much easier to care for a parent with advanced dementia (and that is extremely difficult and heartbreaking) than a parent with NPD. And yes, putting a NPD parent into care would be seen as betrayal by that parent, but it is up to each adult child to come to terms with whether this is real or false betrayal. I will comment further on this entire issue with you privately. Best wishes, Beth

CamomileTea (16) 18 Mar 2009 07:14 PM

Good grief. Dr McHugh. Think 1950s sci-fi B movie. I imagine you in a black suit with notebook, pen and ruler in hand, inside a glass bubble that shrinks to a pinhole and you are travelling through the minds of the victim and the abuser, scribbling notes. Then you write about it when they bring you back to normal size. I am amused, shaking, red-eyed and enlightened to read your articles. And I carry a hope, as this is the most profound phase in my life, as I have exposed myself to so much research on the amazing world wide web. I owe the creators so much, too much. I keep thinking nobody is in my position but there you go covering every facet, and I mean every murky facet that cripples and entangles the 'victim'. You can get across an entire lifetime in a single word or sentence. I thought I knew how to deal with this, it's most odd that I identified so many 'symptoms' and traits and dynamics. I figured out for myself why am I not like the other siblings, other women my age. It's obvious. Though nothing can warn me to feel as raw as reading so much insight and realization that this awful familial situation is so common. And in fact there is nothing wrong with me. I then question is there something inherently abnormal with my 5 siblings who 'got away' with freedom and lived fulfilling wholesome successful, social healthy lives? Are they bad people for failing to form healthy relations with both my parents in their adulthood? The average sibling will communicate with my parents once every year, in one case, a brother 500 miles away will see my parents once every 3 years. Yet has the audacity yo create a nasty rumour about me and my relationship with my parents. My two brothers in Australia live on planet Pluto and the dark reality of the family home is nothing but air they breathe and exhale. They have no insight at all about the reality and my situation. They don't want to know and are happy. I hope they are happy.

My situation is just as bad as everyone else's, though cripplingly compounded with sibling emotional abuse I have secretly suffered for 30+ years. Late last year I learned that my lovely siblings accused me of financial elder abuse which is why I stayed in the family home to care for aging narcisstic father and mother (whose life until her 50s was dominated by father). Round about the same time I was ready to open a lifetime of painful wounds, whilst at the same time starting to confront my reality reading about Narcissm, emotional incest, emotional sibling abuse.

I am thrown in a cesspool of dirty emotions that revolve around cutting off sibling contact forever (I have decided this would improve my wellbeing tenfold), though this won't effectively happen until my father dies (he is 79). And to my weary and bruised mind I embrace the idea that he no longer is around, yet the same time I cannot improve my circumstances as I am 'trapped' to care for him, and my mother who cannot otherwise live independently owing to language barriers, lack of business mind. In effect I operate as their Power of Attorney, but without actually having any such contract. My sister (my abuser and one year older than me) has the power but lives with blissful ignorance that she chooses to adopt. I have 5 siblings who are indeed despised by my father. Yet my siblings despise me for I have criticized above sister of not assisting me when help is needed. The burden in mine, all mine. My siblings initiated by above sister) then created a water-tight argument that I am mentally unstable. What they don't know is that they are the abnormal ones. I have never in my life shared a dialogue with them that demonstrates their compassion and whose attitude to me (and mental health issues) is prejudiced, hostile, unforgiving, shallow, alarming and insensitive.

I've no idea what kind of therapist I require to see, but I notice when I spend time away from the family home for long periods of time I function, breathe and feel normal. I wonder how I will feel when my father passes, as I envisage this to be within the next few years. Sadly his death will be an isolating experience as the closest (distance wise) siblings will have plenty of abusive comments to pass me, and I have no desire to speak with them at the time. I fear that my father's death will be dominated by their behavior, which will not be any different to when my father was previously ill. (They never communicated with me, asked me how I am, or thanked me for being there at their time in need, not one touch, smile, letter, call, nothing. Yet I am a suspect of financial control and fraud). I should point out that I do not touch a penny of my parent's money, and had a decade ago decided I won't accept any inheritance. My parent's money is meaningless to me. They have displayed damaging behavior all my life. It is important I grieve without their presence.

My father was orphaned at 3 months so in one aspect I understand his behavior and disorder. But then he chose to damage his 6 children and wife despite moving from a deprived country, living a new life, creating a successful practice in medicine. It's so sad that he left a trail of his poison throughout his entire life. I don't want to be around him when he is on his deathbed. His last words will be profound. I am saddened to admit I hope I am not there to hear or see. He will likely execute his poison all the way to his end.

How will I feel when he dies? My mind that is. The weight will be lifted, but how to deal with the void, the feelings of anger, resentment that I was his victim. I shall leave that until the time comes. This is what happens when your mind is all over the place. I've only just realized the extent of the damage.