Defending Yourself Against the Aging Narcissist (1)by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger 12 Oct 2007 07:30 PM We've discussed in previous articles the many pitfalls of dealing with the aging narcissist, especially when the person concerned is a parent. There is an internal struggle familiar to adult children of narcissists and that is the need to treat their frail and aging parent in a humane way and yet a profound desire to maintain a sense of self and prevent further psychological harm to oneself. Here are some tips for dealing with this delicate dance between humanity and self-preservation: 1. Know your weaknesses. As discussed in previous articles, these may not be weaknesses at all, but rather psychological entry points through which your parent may enter your psyche and manipulate you by asking you to do seemingly "reasonable" things which you know are unreasonable, both by their timing and frequency of demand. The same buttons that your parent used when you were a child to get what they wanted will be used on you as an adult. You need to be aware of what they are, how you fall for these "tricks of the narcissistic trade" and act accordingly. As an adult, you can no longer legitimately go on blaming your parent for their behaviors. You must change the way you deal with your parent. You must become the mature one, as they never will. 2. Be aware of strategies that have worked for you in the past and which ones have not. Look at the times when you came away from an encounter with your parent and you felt in control. What did you do to achieve this? Also look at those times when you came away with a profound sense of rage, guilt or both. What happened on those occasions? One of the classic mistakes in dealing with narcissists is to get angry with them. This is when they come into their element by adopting a familiar air of superiority. In watching you lose it, they can sit back and convince themselves that you are out of control, when the reality is clearly that they are out of control. It is profoundly comforting to a narcissist for them to see you in a rage. And they'll never let you forget it as it is so important for them to hold onto these pieces of evidence that they are superior to you. This is how they continue to sustain their narcissistic bubble. More tips in coming articles. Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue. Related Articles: The Aging Narcissistic Parent (1) The Aging Narcissistic Parent (2) Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother Narcissism - Symptoms and Treatment (1) What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Dealing with a Narcissitic Family Member Dealing with the Office Psychopath Learn more about Beth McHugh  Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher. Relevantmental health tags children | Kids | relationships | family | marriage | pregnancy | parenting | sex | christmas | Scrapbooking User Comments  mcmama (51978) 13 Oct 2007 06:45 AMThat's very true about getting angry with a narcissist and showing it. My ex husband used to deliberately provoke me until I was shouting or crying or both - and then he would be very calm and apparently enjoy the show. He loved doing thing just before he had invited someone to stop by so they could see me being a wreck. I guess this was his nutty way of sharing with others. If he found pleasure in my unhappiness, he supposed others would too! Meantime, he got sympathy.  Beth McHugh (13186) 24 Oct 2007 01:50 AMHi Janet, if only we were born knowing this stuff! What a cruel manipulator he was and no doubt still is. In reality, he is the one out of control, even though he once made you look that way. In some narcissists there is a definite sadistic streak and this is a classic example. Thank heavens you are out of that situation. glastron69 (5) 12 Oct 2008 06:08 AMIn retrospect, I look back at the 10 month relationship-going-nowhere and realize that the 50 year old man I was with met the criteria of BOTH mental disorders. At 11 he was sexually assaulted by an older women; although he doesn't see it as assault. I believe this was the beginnning of the emotionally void HPD disorder. Patiently I awaited any emotional expression of his feeling toward me (10 months,) then merely asked is he "cared" for me--he became extremely uncomfortable with my request--and two weeks later he dumped me "cold turkey" -- not a call, e-mail--nothing. I found him very entertaining at first--very upbeat and outgoing. Talked ALOT about his past experience and achievements--but again at first it interesting. He only took contract work and was without work the last few months of the relationship. Working on a get rich quick gas conservation car product. How do you swim clear of these types of sharks when at first they seem very intriguing? Beth McHugh (13186) 12 Oct 2008 02:08 PMHi glastron, as you've now had an experience of such a person you will find your antennae is better developed to protect yourself by being better able to read the signs earlier. Realistically, both narcissists and people suffering from HPD can be immensely charming at first and it can take time to suss out the more stable ones whose behaviors are less obvious. Most people get roped in up to a point and you seem to have cottoned on to the existence of a problem relatively quickly. This experience will only serve to hone your skills at detecting others who may cross your path. Hope this helps, Beth. Beth McHugh (13186) 22 Oct 2009 05:28 PMJust a reminder to all readers of the narcissism blogs that I have set up a forum specifically for adult children of NPDs. You can find it under "Forums" at my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth Community Tags aged care, dealing with a narcissist, narcissistic personality disorde, narcissitic mothers, selfishness Discuss this article
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