Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Manipulator (1)

by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger

05 Sep 2006 12:29 AM

In the previous blog on Is there a Passive-Aggressive in the house? we looked at some of the behavioral techniques utilized by these people in order to get what they want. In today's blog, we'll discover what motivates the passive-aggressive and how to minimize the effect of the dramas they can create in our lives.

In their own minds at least, the passive-aggressive person believes they are nice people; easy to please, eager to help, and always willing to take on more than their fair share of the workload. They are professional martyrs. And they hunger for approval.

All this would lead you to think that these folk would be the easiest of people to get on with, so much so that they are the human equivalent of doormats. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Passive-aggressives love to give of themselves. Sounds great, doesn't it? Yet, if you are involved with a passive-aggressive, you will know that it comes at a price. If they do something for you, they expect and demand the same in return. Dawn is a passive-aggressive middle-aged female who showed her true colors one day when her friend had arranged for her to accompany her to the doctors. Unfortunately, on the day, Dawn was feeling ill. She didn't want to go with her friend to the doctors that day. When she was quizzed as to why she didn't just explain that she was feeling sick and couldn't go, she flatly refused. She stated that despite the fact that she was sick, she would be attending the appointment with her "friend" because at a later time, when she herself wanted her "friend" to do something for her, she would have this ace up her sleeve.

Clearly, passive-aggressive people do not act as a normal person would, nor do they see that other people live by a different set of rules to them. Despite her own feelings of unwellness, Dawn was determined to attend the appointment. This illustrates Dawn's need to look good and appear to never put themselves first. They keep up the façade that they will do anything for their friends. Yet this act of friendship in "helping" her friend was not really friendship at all. In Dawn's mind, it was a business transaction only. I do for you and somewhere further down the track, I will call this account in. Yet in revealing the inner workings of her mind, Dawn clearly has no idea that this is not how good friends treat each other.

Dawn's form of manipulation in this instance is quite subtle: her friend had no idea that she was an unwitting victim in a plot that existed only in Dawn's head. On the contrary, Dawn's friend thought she was a really kind-hearted person. And this is exactly what Dawn wanted her to think.

But there are more overt means of control used by passive-aggressives and yet, in themselves, they seem harmless enough. Behaviors such as sighing, sniffing, eye-rolling, and back-handed compliments. And the most popular of all, sulking. In themselves, these activities seem fairly weak and ineffective tools of warfare. But over months and years, living with a person who uses emotional terrorism to obtain what they want can lead to significant frustration and even illness in the recipient. It's like having a fight with an invisible enemy, because the passive-aggressive doesn't use tangible tools. There is no screaming and yelling, no throwing of pots and pans, no name-calling. That is because they need to maintain for themselves their ideal of being perfect.

Next blog, we'll look at how to use their weaponry against them.

Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.

Related articles:

Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Manipulator (2)

Learn more about Beth McHugh

Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher.

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Lisa P (24008) 05 Sep 2006 01:50 PM

I can't wait to read the next blog!!!! Hurry!

NPC (15) 28 May 2008 04:49 PM

You've given, both insight and approachable suggestion to dealing with my 'friend' that is PA; and I thank you. But at that I must stop, as I am left with but 2 short internet pages that provide a beginning and not a comprehensive approach, any suggestions in the realm of books and or additional articles?

Beth McHugh (12962) 28 May 2008 06:39 PM

Hi NPC, There are several tips of dealing with passive-aggressive people in http://mental-health.families.com/blog/dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-manipulator-2

You may also like to read my blogs on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can locate this category by clicking on the link on the right-hand side of the Mental Health blogs.

If you cannot make headway with these tips alone, you might consider counseling if you find the situation is having an adverse effect on your life. You can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

tql (6) 23 Nov 2008 08:45 AM

I loved both your articles. How do you deal with this though when it hits closer to home...like your husband? When i first met him, i thought this was attractive and mysterious. He's exceptionally smart, sweet and considerate. And at the heart of it, I know he loves me, and is a good person, so there is hope, but dealing with it, now for over 11 years, and an on-line affair, I'm not sure how to move forward.

Beth McHugh (12962) 28 Nov 2008 02:48 PM

Hi tql, the method to deal with this type of situation regardles of who is manipulating you is not to buy into the manipulation. Easier said than done I know, but part of the reason why manipulators are able to get away with it lies with the person who is being manipulated. You need to become strong in yourself so that you do not react to his attempts to use and control you. Your husband can only get away with what you let him and you have just as much power in the relationship as he does, although I know it doesn't feel like that. Contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com if you feel therapy sessions would assist you at some time down the track.Best wishes, Beth