Coping with an adult with Asperger's (4)

aspiewife (10) 13 Jun 2007 08:17 AM

Hi Beth,

I have just found your blog on Asperger's syndrome in adults. My husband has just been diagnosed. Now he wants to quit his job of 25 years and stay home. I have been to a counselor, whom I liked very much. However, she urged me to take my husband to the psychiatric emergency room. When they released him, he started to stalk the counselor, so she resigned me. I am considering divorce. May I ask, what is the prognosis with adult asperger's? My husband is 45 years old.

Thank you.

Beth McHugh (13211) 13 Jun 2007 04:24 PM

Sadly, there is no cure for Asperger's disorder as it is a developmental disorder. However, highly motivated adults with the disorder can learn ways to improve their communication skills with others. There is absolutely no need for your husband to leave his job because of Asperger's, he is obviously quite skilled at his job. I will contact you privately.

frequentflyer (5) 07 Sep 2007 10:11 AM

Hi Beth,

I've just found your blog(s) and have been greatly helped by reading them. Eight years ago I got into correspondence with a lovely man living in the US (I'm in the UK). We were both married and the relationship was purely on the basis of our mutual interests and both partners knew of our correspondence. He was witty and friendly and a good communicator.

Five years ago his wife came out as a lesbian after a 15 year relationship with him! I did my best to be supportive and helpful. He came to stay with my family then went back to face seperation and divorce.

Ironically, we discovered that we had feelings for each other and we met up in the US..at the time he expressed the thought that he couldn't envisage another physical relationship and we both felt confused by our feelings.

I've told him that our friendship is important to both of us and I will have that on whatever basis he feels comfortable with.

Since then I have visited several times with a friend for our holiday. My husband loathes long haul flights and indeed our relationship has not been more than that of friends for sometime. My children are grown up and, at some point, I intend to make a life by myself.

I have often felt confused by my friend's behaviour. He went to a counsellor after the seperation and she suggested that he might have the Highly Sensitive Personality. Certainly he fitted into the mould - hugely overwhelmed by sensations etc.

He has a very high IQ, is imaginative, a great writer and has an incredible depth of knowledge about many subjects.

However, she also mentioned Asbergers. Since reading your blogs, I am convinced that he is in this spectrum. He is thoughtless and unable to 'read' people etc. He is empathic to some extent but I understand a criticism of him from others is his tendancy to be rude and unwilling to make an effort with friendships. On the whole he seems to make an effort with me.

Incidentally, he won't tell me why but the counsellor, who he really liked (who was chosen by him in the first instance because she was a lesbian) took hoim off her books after about 18 months.

He will refuse to discuss things sometimes saying that he is empty of words.

So, he has lost his wife and is about to be given a buyout/redundancy from his high status job at the age of 60 years. He has not saved money and has no home other than one rented and I'm at my wits end as how to best support him.

I hope to be seeing him in October (I'm going to visit him but he might have decided to go off travelling!) and would welcome any advice or comments.

I'm in my late 50's. I am not in need of another child. I'm not looking for emotional involvement because I'm deprived of it and I'm not looking to be a 'do gooder'..I have a professional background, am involved at a senior level in work and have a loving family.

I've just fallen in love with, I believe, to be a man with Asbergers. A man who I would like to help cope with all that has befallen him. He does, on occasion, tell me that he loves me and sees nothing odd about thinking that he might not be in town when I arrive even though he wanted me to visit again!

Advice and comment would be gratefully received.

Beth McHugh (13211) 07 Sep 2007 03:10 PM

Hi Frequent Flyer, Your friend would need to be professionally diagnosed with Aspergers before we can assume he actually has it. If you would like help with that or any other aspect of your relationship with him, please contact me by clicking on my name above. As this is a public forum, I generally do not discuss in depth problems on this page. Thank you for your comment.

autism101 (23) 18 Sep 2007 11:03 PM

Hi,i know a few rescourses of asperger's . you could find more information on these sites: http://www.autism-world.com/index.php/category/what-is-autism/autism-spectrum-disorders/asperger-syndrome/ http://www.autismvox.com http:www.autism-pdd.net http:www.autismsociety.org

Texasmom07 (10) 28 Sep 2007 11:25 AM

My mom has been married to a man for almost 10 years who treats her very well. He however displays many characteristics of aspergers as well as obsessive/compulsive personality disorder. He has no children and this is his first marriage. Since recently having a child, husband and I are spending more time with my mom and her husband. It can be very difficult for both of us to deal with his regimened ways. His topics of conversation are limited to his interests, he passes judgement on those who do not share his concrete thinking and he lacks in interpersonal skills.

I don't believe that he has any idea that he is different, hence he has never been diagnosed with any disorder. How do you go about having empathy for those who show no empathy for others? It can be frusrating at times even though I know he cannot help it.

Texasmom07

Beth McHugh (13211) 28 Sep 2007 02:14 PM

Hi Texasmom, to assist you in having empathy for a person, you really need to know exactly what the problem is. Your FIL could have Asperger's or he could have OCPD. Or he could have neither! How does your Mom feel about him? If she is okay with him, then there really isn't much that you can do except accept her decision. If she is unhappy, she may benefit from having your FIL diagnosed. If required, I can do that for you. It is possible for people with both Asperger's and OCPD to improve their social skills, but it is necessary to determine which disorder you are dealing with, in order to address the related issues. In regard to empathy, I guess it is easier to have empathy for a person who admits they have a problem and is seen to be working on it. That is where a professional diagnosis can be of great help.

gramanana (5) 24 Jan 2008 11:25 PM

I'm 98% certain that my husband has Asperger's Syndrome to some degree. How do we get a professional diagnosis? Our family physician refered him to a counselor, but it seems that both the doctor and the counselor were concerned more about his depression and anxiety; things they felt they could treat. Months have gone by and we back to square one. My poor husband knows there's something wrong and longs to connect successfully with others yet remains clueless. He has a toxic self-esteem, drowns daily in self-pity and keeps a stew-pot of hostility on low simmer. He engages heavily in fantasy and/or worry. We've lived paralell lives for nearly twenty years. Needless to say, our relationship is very tenuous. He is extremely defensive; anything I say can and will be misconstrued. I don't even have to say anything--just make a face he doesn't like and he'll throw his glasses across the room or throw his wallet to the floor in Walmart. He has stopped seeing the counselor (they counselor told him the same things I do) and stopped taking antidepressants. This has effected every area of our lives. Please help.

Beth McHugh (13211) 25 Jan 2008 03:46 PM

Hi Gramanana, ask your family doctor to refer him to a psychiatrist who specializes in autistic spectrum disorders. You will get a definitive diagnosis from which you can work from. From what you say in your comment, I'm not convinced it's Asperger's, there could be an additional problem. Has he attempted a course in social skills training for AS sufferers?

Freachi (5) 29 May 2008 09:30 PM

Hi beth,

I am 22 years old and have been married almost a year to my high school sweetheart of 7 years and we own our own business together. His father died a year before we met and mine a year after we started dating. He always displayed some odd behavior, but I attributed it to his profound loss and later to other similar circumstances. However, after living in the same house for so many months and working together, I realized that he may have some serious problems. Although very VERY talkative, it is difficult to have a conversation with him. When discussing something, he clings to the details and cannot focus on the overall picture. He has some pretty severe problems with body language and non-verbal cues, to the point that he sometimes walks away out of the house, shuts the door and plays with his dog in the back yard while I'm talking about something important, and he doesn't understand why I react angrily. His voice also has limited expressiveness, only loud, soft, angry and playful. There are numerous other reasons that I suspect that this is Aspergers, including obsessive behavior, lack of empathy and failure to understand social timing, social norms, and the consequences of his social reactions, but I'm trying to shorten this post.

His problems have consequences both in our marriage and our business. He experiences migraines. He also has problems with depression because he cannot meet my expectations and the expectations of others. He has many friends, but at any moment they could make a small blunder and he will shun them for years.

How do I deal with this? Owning a family business in this economy, money is severely limited. We live about an hour away from any counselor and our insurance does not cover counseling or psychotherapy, even if I could ever talk my husband into going, which he would never agree to. I am about to go crazy and I do not believe in divorce. My husband is very private and does not trust doctors, and hates the entire field of psychology. He is so sensetive, I am afraid to even bring up the subject for fear that his depression or the emotional space between us will worsen. What options do I have in dealing with our problems, whether they be Asperger's or something else? How do I protect myself against emotional problems stemming from his behavior?

Beth McHugh (13211) 29 May 2008 11:00 PM

Hi Freachi, this is a very difficult situation for you. Your husband's reluctance to talk about your difficulties, much less the problems he contributes to the relationship must be very frustrating. The first step would be to check out the presence or otherwise of Asperger's, or possibly other disorders. As this is a public forum you might like to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com where we could look at coping techniques if Asperger's was found to be present. Best wishes, Beth

springermom (5) 03 Jun 2008 07:38 AM

Great information! Thank you SO much! So how does one begin the process of telling a 55 year old man (my brother) that he has Aspergers? It's something my family has spent over 50 years dealing with but until a few years had no name for it. He does not know this yet but surely he wonders why he is treated "differently". We just want him to be happy and maybe he'd be happier not knowing .. how do we help?

Beth McHugh (13211) 05 Jun 2008 06:51 PM

Hi Springermom, First of all you must be certain that your brother definitely has Asperger's before breaking the news to him. You also have to consider whether it would be beneficial for him to know. If he seems happy enough, it probably means more to you to know what is really going on than it does to him. On the other hand, if he seems depressed about being different, he may benefit from being told. However, there are other disorders that mimic Asperger's in part, so it is important to be sure. If you would like assistance in regard to this issue you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Dodgy (5) 31 Jul 2008 12:49 AM

So, as an adult with Aspergers I am wondering, what are the chances of happiness? This might seem like a superficial question but truthfully I can say that I have never been happy, not for a single day. I recently turned 46, recently moved back to the west to try to mend a family rift after 27 years, and I also quit drinking nine months ago. I do these things without any emotional attachment to them at all, and this bothers me. It bothers me so much that I have stopped going top AA meetings because I am unable to speak from the heart when called upon and this earned me the label of"superficial", and "aloof". Neither of these qualities inspire confidence in an AA setting. My family refuses to accept the Aspergers diagnosis, maybe out of a sense of misguided loyalty to me, maybe just because they do not want any more of my drama. I don't believe that it would make any difference if they did accept it, nothing would change, nothing ever does for me. I would like to know, just for a moment, what happiness feels like, maybe then I would not feel the need to work seven days a week at two jobs anymore. Also, I have been having serious doubts about my no alcohol policy, granted that alcohol does not fix anything but it does make saying "I don't care" easier.

Beth McHugh (13211) 31 Jul 2008 02:08 AM

Hi Dodgy, it's not a superficial question at all, but it's not one to be easily answered. Not for anyone, Asperger's or not. First, are you certain of the diagnosis? Second, it is not helpful to be at AA meetings and be rejected as being aloof and superficial when you have limits to what you can do, as we all do. Have you told the group you have Asperger's? Some people will not accept it anyway but others will. Remember, those who matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter. I know it's hurtful, especially when your family won't accept you. This is more about them than you, especially if you are trying your best. Have you undergone any social skills therapy and how long have you had your diagnosis for? I look forward to your answers or you can answer me off this public forum at enquiries@youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

little-j (15) 01 Jan 2009 10:48 PM

hello beth. I have aspergres and I have been dating a fellow over the net for 3 years now. We have spent time together in person twice in the last 3 years.

I want to move to his country and marry him.

My question is what is the success rate of Asperger marrages?

Thanks a bunch J

pastymorant (11) 09 Jan 2009 08:40 AM

Very helpful reading the blog, Ms. McHugh, as well as the comments/responses. I'm in a relationship (going for over 4 yrs.) and am coming to the conclusion that the aloofness, lack of intimacy, caustic remarks, aggression may not have anything to do with me - but are signs of (possibly) Asperger's. I have been to a psychotherapist with my partner twice but this possibility has not yet come up. I'm curious to see whether Asperger's is the answer to the riddle that is my partner (while well aware that handling the topic requires sensitivity - a sensitivity I am not encountering from my partner... ). So tired of feeling alone and manhandled.

Beth McHugh (13211) 11 Jan 2009 12:34 AM

Hi Little -j, the success rate for Asperger marriages is very low, but that is between a person with Asperger's and an average person. Does your partner have Asperger's or know that you do? If a partner is aware of the situation and understands the conditions, there is no reason why a marriage can be successful as long as the other partner is aware that they will be limitations for them. If they are happy with this, then there should be minimal problem. Where problems can arise is when children are born and there are interpersonal problems between parent and child and the child does not understand. Tis is an aspect that both partners need to discuss and prepare for . Hope this helps. Best wishes, Beth

Beth McHugh (13211) 15 Jan 2009 05:15 PM

Hi pastymorant, have you thought of having a separate visit with your therapist to discuss the possibility of Asperger's? If you are seeing a marriage therapist they may not be aware of soem of the subtle signs, particularly if your partner is well adapted. Alternatively you might like to consult a therapist who actually specializes in AS spectrum disorders to set your moid at ease once and for all. Best wishes, Beth

little-j (15) 15 Jan 2009 06:17 PM

Thankyou beth for the helpfull responce.

He dose not have AS but he understands me more then anyone ever has in my life. I think that is why we work so well together. We always talk about any misunderstandings we have untill we have a soulution to them. He is very understanding and accepting of my aspergers.

What did you mean by "they will be limitations for them." Are you refering to my dissablity or the relationship?

Also what sort of things could we do to prepare to have kids? I am a long way away from having childern but I want to have them someday and he does too. Is there anything in spicific I could do or learn that would help?

Thanks J

Beth McHugh (13211) 15 Jan 2009 07:15 PM

Hi Little j, I don't have the scope here in this comment forum to talk about the possible difficulties in relationships with both adults and children of Asperger sufferers. Have yo thought about seeing a counselor who specializes in this disorder? They will be able to guide you personally through social skills training which will help you develop better relationships with your family and friends.

little-j (15) 15 Jan 2009 08:26 PM

yes I am in the process of finding a good counselor . Thanks for all the advice!

blacketyside (25) 28 Mar 2009 04:42 PM

I have taken a great deal of interest in the discussion. I'm pretty sure my husband is displaying classic signs of Asperger's. I've known almost all our married life - 32 years - that something wasn't right. He can't show feelings, makes no attempt at physical contact, stands with his hands at his sides if I hug him and gets very distressed if I show any emotion. He can't handle anyone upset around him and gets angry and aggressive (never violent) at very small insignificant things. He also has a problem with drink although I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic. Sex is something that only ever happens when he is drunk. We have two wonderful grown up children who have also been concerned and puzzled by his behaviour over the years, and looking back they, like me, have covered up his behaviour, protected him and held their tongue when he has " gone off on one". Consequently neither of them went through the usual rebellious stage of teenagers. They had their Dad to do that after all! Sometimes I don't know how to go on, but I can't ever leave him, as he relies so heavily on me. I love him and my heart goes out to him as I've always had an instinctive feeling that he is so vulnerable, but it is so hard sometimes. He was a teacher for 20 years but hated it, so I started a business that we could be partners in and he works at home now with me. But I make all the major decisions - he doesn't want to know. I'm not sure if it's wise to seek a diagnosis, but I know he hurts inside with feelings of guilt and frustration, so maybe he would gain some comfort in knowing it was something beyond his control. But how do I broach the subject? I don't normally get the chance to talk in a calm way about him to his face, without him jumping to conclusions that I'm being critical of him. Other signs of this syndrome in him are a strict adherence to routine, scathing sarcasm which is unwarranted, unimaginable cruelty ( when I don't believe he's aware of it). A prime example is when my father died. He kept away when I spent the last hours with my father and supported my mother with organising the funeral etc. When I got home, exhausted and in pieces, he just looked up, said hello and went back to what he was doing. Later when he came up to bed, he found me sobbing. I had held it together for two days for my mother's sake, but when I got into bed, all the emotion came to the surface. His comment was - quote - "what the f.... the matter with you? I said I was upset about Dad. "So?" was his sarcastic reply, spat out with such venom. "Give me a F...... break!" Then he turned over and went to sleep. I turned very cold ( I will never forget it) and realised that I had just lost (in my father) the only man who actually cared about me. My husband didn't. That was a VERY sobering and chilling thought. Please - any advice would be gratefully received.

Beth McHugh (13211) 29 Mar 2009 04:57 PM

Hi Blackeltyside, if you would like to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com we can talk about the possibility of having your husband assessed. It would be up to both of you as to whether that would be a hindrance or a help but you may find it useful to understand exactly what you are dealing with. Best wishes, Beth

loner_fnq (5) 09 May 2009 03:28 AM

I am in my mid forties and have AS. I have always lived alone and that's how I want my life to be. I have no desire to cohabit whatsoever. You might as well suggest I share a home and a bed with a donkey or a pig, as a human. Its just total YUCK. I don't want other people's company at home. I am naturally self absorbed and a pontificator, that's the way my brain is wired and I make no apology about it.

I have sometimes approached psychologists and counsellors over various issues; I have generalised anxiety and my AS means I get problems in the employment situation, particularly because of my timidity and social naivete, and poor mood modulation. I always find that unless they are specialists in autism spectrum disorders, such people will not accept that I have AS (I have a diagnosis from a British clinical psychologist who specialises in autism spectrum disorders) for trivial reasons like the fact that I maintain eye contact, and am verbally articulate, and have a PhD. They say they have dealt with autistic kids and I'm nothing like that so I don't have it. They get quite forceful in asserting that my 'real' problem is emotional and social avoidance, I am living in a self constructed prison, and that I should "take risks" and immerse myself in personal relationships. I feel like giving them a real hard smack across the face. How can you possibly initiate and maintain a personal relationship when not one neuron in your brain has any interest in doing so? And for what purpose? And what would it do to the unfortunate other person? I just feel that these so called professionals are principally interested in relationships, that's their familiar ground, and they try and force every presenting case into one mold. They have absolutely no conception, and of course, out of sheer know-it-all arrogance, would never concede, that for some people relationships would be stifling, suffocating, while conversely, solitude is freedom.

Beth McHugh (13211) 10 May 2009 05:50 PM

My suggestion to family and friends of people with Aspergers is that it is they who must accept the disorder, not the other way around since the AS person is unlikely to change. On the other hand I have met people with Aspergers, who know that they have it, who are desperately lonely and who come to ask how they can change so as to be more accepted in the workplace and society in general. Hence we are indeed looking at a disorder that forms a spectrum in terms of its acuteness. Because some Aspergers people do respond to specialized counseling, and geneuinely want to change, this might explain why some of the counselors you have come into contact with have made the statements they have. Best wishes, Beth

dragonfly22 (5) 26 May 2009 02:41 PM

My husband and I are fairly certain that his cousin has Asperger's. (I put in a few years paid and volunteer work in social services, so have some training and experience.) He fits all the criteria except that he has a good sense of humor, but he can still take humorous comments too literally if he's caught at the right moment, and is often unable to understand when the joke is "over." He's in his early 30s, but doesn't date, and has avoided opportunities to do so; as far as we can tell, he doesn't have any real friends, just relatives and acquaintances he's met through relatives, who he just drops in on every week or so, in a sort of round that he makes around town. He doesn't work, although he graduated last year with a doctorate in the sciences from a prestigious program. As he has yet to go to a single job interview of any kind, despite considerable encouragement, we're concerned that he will get into financial difficulty, not to mention lose what little motivation he seems to have to work. (Instead, he focuses on his several intense and unusual hobbies.) What we're wondering is this: Would not his chances for success be increased if he were to be diagnosed and get into a support group and/or social skills training? Should we try to get him to seek help? He seems to be more comfortable with us than with his immediate family, so if anyone were to speak directly to him, it would probably be us. Should we just tell him what we've read about Asperger's, and suggest that he talk to his doctor about it? He does get Amitryptyline from his primary doc for anxiety and insomnia, but it doesn't seem to help him much. We're very concerned about making him feel stigmatized or rejected. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

Beth McHugh (13211) 26 May 2009 05:38 PM

Hi Dragonfly, only you know how he might react to being told he might have Asperger's. And of course you can't make him go see a therapist. Yet if he were diagnosed he may then respond to social skills training. This will not "cure" him, just make him able to mix better without looking odd withing the first few minutes of meeting. Maybe you could have a talk to his doctor. S/he can't reveal anything to you of course but if you express your concerns about Asperger's s/he may be able to help you out. Otherwise you will have to take the bull by the horns and talk to him about how you feel. Best wishes, Beth

Beth McHugh (13211) 07 Jun 2009 09:18 PM

In order to further assist readers suffering from or experiencing difficulties in relating to friends and family suffering from Asperger's disorder, I have provided additional resources in order to help break down the loneliness associated with this problem. By accessing my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com you will be able to participate in a new forum. Best wishes, Beth