Coping with an adult with Asperger's (3)by Beth McHugh | More from this Blogger 14 Oct 2006 03:53 PM
Asperger's Disorder makes for difficulties in understanding the emotions of others as well as interpreting subtle communication skills, as transmitted through eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. This often leads to the person with this disorder being labeled as rude, uncaring, cold, and unfeeling. While it is natural for those who interact with Asperger's to feel this way, it is unfair to the sufferer. This is because Asperger's Disorder is a genetic, neurological condition which renders the sufferer mentally unable to readily understand and interpret the emotional states of others. One of the problems associated with adult Asperger's is lack of accurate diagnosis. Because Asperger's is a disorder that has only been recognized and singled out from other autistic spectrum disorders in the last decade, to date there has been little information about the behaviors of adults with the condition. As children, these adults would have stood out among their peers as being "unusual," yet at the time there was no accurate diagnosis available. Hence there still remains many adult Asperger's in the community who remain undiagnosed. The other problem is that, even when diagnosis occurs, the Asperger sufferer may refuse to go into family counseling or accept available assistance as they do not see that they have a problem. One of my client's who had a mother with the condition was relieved to finally discover the reason for his mother's emotional aloofness, yet was devastated when that same mother refused to go into family therapy because she simply said "I feel good, there's nothing wrong with me." In this case, there was no denial involved on the part of the mother. She simply couldn't understand her son's pain, his feelings of rejection, or his desire for a real "mother-son" relationship. None of it made any "sense" to her. In addition, her interactions with the family and in-laws were fraught with difficulties. Eventually this man decided to limit interaction with his mother as it caused too much distress. In other cases, the Asperger sufferer, when told that their actions are hurtful or inappropriate, may be genuinely shocked. However, the behavior is likely to be repeated, unless there is some form of intervention, and the individual genuinely desires to change. Some Asperger's can maintain ongoing relationships, however due to their neurological inability to effectively communicate on an emotional level, there are numerous difficulties. Even dating can prove to be a problem as the subtle "language of love" which operates during the courtship phase is often a mystery to the Asperger's sufferer. This can apply to even the most academically gifted individual. Recent research into the sexual behaviors of Asperger's suffers indicates that they have similar sex drives as the general population but seldom possess the social skills to deal with the high level of intimacy required of such a relationship. In fact, research suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one partner has Asperger's Disorder is around 80%. In the next blog, we will look at further aspects of Asperger's as well as treatment options. Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue. Learn more about Beth McHugh  Beth McHugh began her career as a geologist and worked both in industry and as a university researcher. Relevantmental health tags marriage | sex | Scrapbooking | family | relationships | Kids | children | christmas | pregnancy | parenting User Comments NPC (15) 28 May 2008 05:20 PMYeah, signed up just to comment on various post of your, no insult intended, but my mother is Passive aggressive and I have UN-officially been diagnosed with Aspenrger's (via a fiend, I mean friend). What's the diff other than an 'r'? Got pages that you would direct one like myself to?  Beth McHugh (12962) 28 May 2008 06:45 PMHi again NPC, you can find articles on Adults with Asperger's by clicking on the Autism and Asperger's Disorder link on the right-hand side of all my Mental Health blogs. Be aware that Asperger's has become one of the "buzz" disorders at the moment and many people, especially children, are unwittingly diagnosed with the disorder when they do not have it at all. Again if you need assistance in helping you determine whether you may of may not have Asperger's you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Given your previous comments, Asperger's does not appear probable. kendermouse (10) 11 Jun 2008 11:56 AMI'm bipolar, and someone I'm dating has aspberger's... do you have any advice on communicating with him, and maybe what I can expect? Beth McHugh (12962) 11 Jun 2008 04:27 PMHi Kendermouse, firstly your partner will not be able to comprehend your mood changes, particularly any manic or hypomanic phases, and will likely switch off. There will be a diminished ability to establish a deep emotional bond, and there will be little or no emotional feedback. There may be difficulties in interpersonal bonding, such as touching, hugging, and even eye contact may be restricted. In your verbal interactions, speak in a simple and clear manner. There is no intellectual retardation associated with Asperger's disorder, but there is a restricted ability to understand puns, metaphors, even sarcasm as most statements are taken literally. This can make for many misunderstandings. However it is the lack of emotional connection and understanding of social rules that usually causes the most difficulties in relationships. Hope this helps, for professional assistance you can contact me at http://yourolinecounselor.com kendermouse (10) 16 Jun 2008 10:46 AMThank you so much... it does give me some ideas on things, as have these posts. I'll definitely take a look at that link as soon as I'm on a pc. (My main net access is a cellphone.) Beth McHugh (12962) 16 Jun 2008 03:47 PMNo problem, Kendermouse. I'm glad the articles on Asperger's were of some help to you. Best wishes, Beth B R (5) 11 Nov 2008 11:51 AMI've been beating my head against the wall for 10 years with my husband, trying to get help, we've been in numerous counseling sessions and he's been through the mill, always trying but never succeeding. Two years ago, our daughter was diagnosed with a severe form of OCD, manifesting in scrupulosity, and has done well with medicines and therapies. Another one of our children, our youngest and only boy, began life demonstrating extreme giftedness..fascinated with letters and knowing the alphabet forward and backwards at age one; facscinated with anything mechanical especially trains by age two. Likes to put things in order, is extremely, extremely sensitive and somewhat "rude" but not really, just doesn't 'get' social things- however with extreme patience and love on our part has been very successful and is now in first grade and doing great...although bored with curriculum, is socially enjoying things (although still has no real friends :( ) All through this journey, my poor husband has been willing to endure scrutiny and suggestions of ADD, OCD (of which he seems to have some) and most recently, been diagnosed as bipolar although now we find he has alpha-1 antirypsin and emphysema (never smoked, never been exposed to smoke) so we think the bipolar-stuff is really more related to lack of oxygen and feeling horrible. He's just 40 and been through the works, I was ready to leave him several times and living with him can be frustrating and at times it's very lonely but I know he loves me and cannot help HOW he is... I just am thankful I have stuck with him and want to try to give my children the best opportunity to develop as normally as possible. Trying to get a diagnosis for our son is ridiculous, no one wants to see what is obvious..his teacher says he's doing "ok" so doesn't think we should worry...but I've put 6 hard years of work into getting him to "ok" and don't want him to end up frustrated like his Dad later in life. Beth McHugh (12962) 12 Nov 2008 01:19 PMHi BR, having you taken your son to a psychologist who specializes in autistic spectrum disorders? Getting an accurate diagnosis on the possibility of him having mild Asperger's or not might put your mind at ease. Best wishes, Beth lonelyinafullhouse (5) 05 Dec 2008 01:22 AMI am a mother of seven children, my husband of 21 years and I have reached a difficult place in our marriage. We have had several children with depression, one of whom was diagnosed with ADD as well, between counseling and medication, three of them have been helped immensely. In the process of helping our children, my husband and I found ourselves at odds at every turn. We met with a marriage therapist and several counselors for our children during a period of more than two years. During this process of treating and counseling, my husband became more and more opposed to me. He was "nice" to everyone we met with, but ultimately didn't trust any professional who supplied information. Two different counselors suggested to me that my husband had some unusual responses that are Aspergers-like. I've since researched adult Aspergers and find many similarities. I have asked him to be tested and he refused with a mixture of controlled fear and anger. My children need help and they get virtually no emotional support from him. He seems to be able to focus on one child at a time, several months or more. It's as though he doesn't care about the rest of us for that time. My question is, how can I talk to him about being tested for Aspergers when he doesn't trust professionals? Would there be a significant benefit for the children (ages 4-20) to have him diagnosed? I find lots of comfort in the thought that he may have Aspergers. He isn't intentionally hurting me or ignoring me or the children, he honestly thinks he is doing everything just right, even when he says and does very hurtful things. Is there a way for me to know even if he can't face the testing for whatever reason? Would it be wise to talk to the children about the possibility of Aspergers, or if it's possible, the diagnosis of Aspergers? I wish I knew what to do, if I can do anything at all. Beth McHugh (12962) 07 Jun 2009 09:20 PMIn order to further assist readers suffering from or experiencing difficulties in relating to friends and family suffering from Asperger's disorder, I have provided additional resources in order to help break down the loneliness associated with this problem. By accessing my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com you will be able to participate in a new forum. Best wishes, Beth Community Tags asperger's disorder, autistic spectrum disorder, adult Asperger's, divorce Discuss this article
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In this third blog on living with a person with Asperger's, (see 
