Adults with Asperger's Disorder

ohiobenz (5) 22 Oct 2007 09:45 AM

Our son, now 20 was always different from our other 4 children. He is very intelligent and as a child his creativity resulted in giant messes that Mom seemed forever to be one step behind in preventing. He did a lot of grunting at an age the other kids had talked and took great joy in aggrevating his siblings to the point that he alienated himself from them - a habit that continued into the school years. When his actions resulted in some sort of mishap or altercation the reaction was predictable - total denial. Social skills are horrible but he loves talking with the elderly and younger kids. When with young adults his age he is tolerated but not really accepted. His scholastic habits were horrible - papers were always lost, crumpled or stashed somewhere. Homework assignments may be done - but rarely turned in. Each semester there was at least one F, then the next it would be in a different subject. By 3rd grade we discovered he had an auditory processing disability. The reason we hadn't know before is because he had taught himself to lip-read. His compensation carried through all testing we had done on him during the school years - the point disparity was never great enough to warrant any IEP except for his speech. His grammar is horrible to this day - but with the tutor he could do perfect enunciation and sentence structure. Today hygiene is still non-existent - he hides his clothes that he has "accidents" in until the smell of his room reaches others and he is forced to wash clothes filled with urine or feces. During his senior HS year he worked part time and opened a savings and checking account - and promptly ran $600 of overdrafts. At age 18 he got a credit card and racked up $4000+ in debt - without a real job to pay for it. Last summer he had an appartment/room while he worked at a fast food retaurant - he was responsible for 1/2 the rent - but never paid it. Today he lies at home, goes into any food we may have stored and takes what he wants, hides it under things in his room, lies about any income he receives, most likely has another checking account opened up - but he pays none of his bills. Scholastically he is doing OK at a local technical college. A year ago we (all of the family) completed a survey of Asperger traits and independently checked off almost every aspect as applicable to this child. I was able to get him to agree to see an Asperge/Autism physician who stated there was nothing wrong - no AS.... If we put him out of the house he will be homeless in a short time - there don't appear to be any "group homes" for him to go to and we're at the end of our rope!!!!!!!!!!

Beth McHugh (13186) 22 Oct 2007 03:08 PM

Hi Ohiobenz, just from what you have posted, your son doesn't really display any of the main hallmarks of Asperger's. Online questionnaires for any sort of emotional/mental condition can be misleading, I recently had a woman who was wrongly convinced her family member had Asperger's based on a self-diagnosis test, but Asperger's is a complicated syndrome with a range of degrees of severity. Your son is intelligent, yet doesn't always utilize that intelligence. He talks to the elderly and children, but doesn't blend well with his peer group. He is able to hold down a job, yet not pay rent. There is certainly some choice on his part, rather than pure "disorder." If you think that I could help you I would enjoy working with you and your family to achieve some order and sense as to what is going on. I am surprised the physician didn't give you any clues at all. My web address is: http://youronlinecounselor.com

Ineedahug (5) 01 Mar 2008 09:11 PM

Hello

I am at loss with what to do with my husband and I fear he suffers from Aspberger. I have always wanted an explanation for his behaviour but I am scared when I read this and see how familiar it seems.

My husband is 32, we got married September last year. He is a fisherman, or is trying to be and shows little to no interest in anything besides fishing. It is intense and he will not stop talking once he has started.

Our physical life is lacking. He hates hugs and embraces. Cannot cuddle or hold hands since he feels i am crowding him. I cannot talk to him, he shows no interest in what i say and thinks i only talk about boring things. He has a hard time functioning with me sexually and has to resort to adult movies to get off. He doesnt even look at me when we have sex.

I am patient because I love him so, but I dont know for how much longer. He shows no responibility and I do everything, including work fulltime. He sits at home and is depressed, on medication now.

I need a hug

Beth McHugh (13186) 02 Mar 2008 03:07 PM

Hi Ineedahug, it does sound like your husband displays some characteristics of Asperger's disorder, but there are numerous symptoms which must be present for a formal diagnosis. I have a special interest in adults with Asperger's and understand the sense of frustration and isolation that inevitably accompanies attempts at relationships. If your husband has Asperger's then both of you will need to acknowledge and adjust to the presence of the condition. If you would like a professional diagnosis you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

self_diagnosed_male_36 (5) 09 Mar 2008 12:16 PM

Hi Beth

I'm just coming to a self diagnosis of Asperger's. I'm 36, in a 7 year relationship (my partner doesn't know but has always accepted that I'm 'a bit mad')

Reading through all the online information was a revalation. It outlined everything I've experienced/suffered and was like reading a story about my childhood/adolecence. Most of my coping stratergies are self developed, and work pretty well. I have an active social life, although I wouldn't say I enjoy this, it's essential to maintain the few frendships I've made which I do value.

I would like to know if there are any advantages to getting a clinical diagnosis. It seems like a lot of work/stress for no reward.

my 'typical' symptons are.

1) I never know what to say, and in social interactions (which I crave while I avoid) I feel like an outsider/observer who doesn't understand the rules. I can't tell if a conversation has ended, and often get stressed as I have no idea what to talk about. My main coping stratergy for this is to stay in one place and let people, come and leave as they wish. I also keep the alphabet in my head and run through topics (a.b.c...) which stops me talking one topic to death (Usually computer programming, building). Much of my conversation is factual, but I also make a list in my head of various topics like what other people have done, how they/thier families/jobs/pets are. I don't get anything from these conversations but other people need them and it makes me feel /look more 'normal', it all feels like a game and a bit dishonest to fake it like this but it works for me.

2) In noisy enviromments I lip read as even though I can hear what someone is saying and repeat it back verbatum it just doesn't 'go in'. It also lets me avoid looking people in the eye which I find uncomfortable, and stops me 'glaring' at people which I've been accused of many times. People now assume I'm a bit deaf which also get's me out of using the phone, which I hate, and gives me an excuse to get people to repeat things or a reason if I confuse the meaning of what I've been told.

3) I analyse peoples body language and try to mirror it, or interprate it based on various articles/books I've read. This is the hardest as it does take concentration, and while I don't think it will ever become second nature, it does get easier with time. I also actively think about smiling, nodding and making the appropriate umms & ahhs.

4) I often find myself in overload, where I just want everything to stop for a few minutes so I can reset myself. This is the hardest thing to to explain to people as it's a bit like teaching someone to sneeze. So I simply tell people I have a migraine/bad headache and lay in the dark for a while. (My ideal holiday would be for everyone to dissapear for a week or two, but I haven't found any holiday companies offering this service :) )

I have many more strategies for dealing with any problems that arise. I enjoy my job which is very detail/logic based, and my relationship is great, I have no trouble giving/receiving physical affection from my partner. (although I avoid it at all costs in social situations as it just feels wrong!).

The only problem I have is that I constantly feel as though I am 'faking it' and looking in at the world through glass. I try to be the person people want me to be in most interactions as I don't really know who I am when it comes to that world. I guess I need to know is it acceptable to spend my life pretending to be someone, when I sometimes feel that I'm not anyone. (Not in a depressed way, just when grading myself against normal people, who seem to have all these responses/behaviours that I don't)

Beth McHugh (13186) 09 Mar 2008 02:51 PM

Hi self diagnosed male, for a formal diagnosis of Asperger's to be made, the person must display a constellation of symptoms, not just one or two. It is up to you as to whether you decide a diagnosis is worth it to you personally, although it is not particularly time-consuming. Possibly of more importance is the value a diagnosis may have for your partner. Also, as AS disorders carry a heavy genetic bias, the information could also be relevant for any children you may have so that early intervention strategies can be instigated. A diagnosis can also be useful when looking at extended family members, who may also suffer from the disorder, and therefore explain many difficult relationships within the family tree. Should you decide to go ahead, please feel free to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Christie-B (5) 17 Sep 2008 03:19 PM

Both my neighbour and i have a partner who seems to fit some of these charateristics. Notably, both are very intelligent, have fantastic university results and have high paying jobs. However they have little understanding of emotional intelligence and have minimal understanding of emoitional family situations. They dont participate in giving or needing any emotional support. Mostly they are only able to understand how they feel, and the whole household revolves around their moods. My relationship feels more like a business relationship, as that it is about factual things. Humour is fine though. Their interaction with other people is minimal and they are both hugely critical of everyone else. They dont understand their personalities and humour and have little or no compassion, and dislike giving or receiving generosity. A total hate is any family event, Christmas, the sitting down and eating with either of our families and the talking that goes with it is just hated with many opting out techniqes being thought up. He feels like we are all a millstone round his neck. No body can win an argument with him, and trying to explain what and why is such a huge effort because he doesnt see the effect of his inquisitions has on us. We used to have a huge sexual relationship, but now I think it was only a mechanisim for him to release stress. As a previous poster mentioned, my husband never looks in my eyes while we are having sex, it just feels to me that he is having sex with my body. Many people and topices bore him. He hates being spontanious. He has huge issues with bowel irritations but is unwilling to figure out what is going on. He hates the mornings and takes till 10 or later to function in the weekend. Both my neighbour and I have noticed that our partners have had their Father leave their family when they were at preschool age. Can this have something to do with their iniability to have close giving and receiving relationships?

Thank you Beth.

Beth McHugh (13186) 17 Sep 2008 05:07 PM

Hi Christie, I'm glad you have been helped by the articles and the forum. If your husband actually fulfills the criteria for Asperger's, then the departure of his father has not been a contributing factor, since Asperger's is a developmental disorder present from birth (if not apparent till later). There is also evidence of a genetic link within families with Asperger's; do any other extended family members show similar behavior patterns? Best wishes, Beth

willow3 (6) 01 Nov 2008 09:05 PM

My son has been to numerous psychiatrists since 13 years old. He is now 27 and is in trouble.

His problem is that he doesn't open up. I worked with him when younger to make eye contact with people. He is very bright (was in gifted and talented, but opted out); but NEVER fit in with his peers. He is painfully shy. Never had close friends. Very small in stature and still is. Always seemed rude to me because he would virtually ignore my friends when they would say "Hi". Was animated when very young, but became very rote. Was institutionalized twice for "failed attempt at suicide" as teenager; don't believe he would have gone through with it. Always bullied in school. Medicated for severe depression and anxiety (prozac, wellbutrin, klonopin). Some say he is impulsive and may have ADHD.

He has never fit in. Hates his life and doesn't understand why he is so different from his siblings. Why does he have so much trouble living?

He is now in trouble with law for a meeting a girl online who pretended to be of age. He gave his real age, was on an ADULT dating website, and believed the girl was telling him the truth about her age. She contacted him. Even though he is in trouble for this, cannot rationalize. Believes that the girl needed him and will not blame her for his problem. Doesn't understand society's rules. Has no ill will towards the girl and how she has virtually destroyed his life.

Very seldom would attend family social gatherings. Doesn't like to be around people. Becomes very anxious in social situations.

Extremely smart in math, music, art. Can remember multiple account numbers, Vin numbers, car license number, etc., by heart. I can't even remember one. Says it is easy for him because he sees patterns. Says his mind races. Cannot stand noise.

I never understood why is was so different from my other children. He has a good heart and would never harm anyone, yet now he faces criminal charges. I wonder if he does have Aspergers and if so why was he never diagnosed. The psychiatrists who have recently met with him because of the charges say he is NOT a child predator, but doesn't realize the consequences of his actions. Could he have aspergers? If so, would this explain his problem?

Where do I go from here? My son is now in jail with people who may do him harm, whereas he would never hurt any one.

At a loss with a breaking heart. My son is suffering where he is. The noise is getting to him. Cannot communicate with the others and very afraid. I don't know how much longer he can survive in there before his case comes up.

Please give me some guidance.

Beth McHugh (13186) 02 Nov 2008 01:35 PM

Hi Willow, your son seems to exhibit several indicators of an AS disorder and may have Asperger's. He would require psychological testing by a psychologist or psychiatrist specializing in that area. Perhaps you can talk to the prison psychiatrist about a referral to such a specialist? Although being diagnosed with Asperger's will not affect the way he is perceived in the justice system (there is no mental retardation), it may bring comfort to you to be able to explain his behaviors. There also may be comorbidity (ie. another disorder present with Asperger's) present, but again, that would need to be picked up by a psychologist. Is ADHD the only tag he's been given? Do you see signs of similar behavior patterns in the extended family tree? Best wishes, Beth

phoenixfire7122 (5) 11 Jan 2009 11:15 PM

Hi, I am a 29 year old male and I believe that I may have Aspergers. Ever since I was small I have hated all social situations. I would look around at the other children and just not know what to do or say to them. I cannot judge what peoples motivations are. I have a hard time getting sarcasm or puns. I have a really bad habit of when I am around someone (and this may sound really weird) of taking on the person that is speakings accent or way of speaking. I work with some people, one is Latino and the Other is from England and when I am around them I have to fight really hard not to speak like them because I dont want them to think that I am making fun of them. I have done really well in school. I graduated in the top 5 of my high school, I finished college, graduate school, and am working on another master's degree right now. The problem is that it never seems to be enough. I can only function well in a structured environment like a school it seems. I also get these really bad obesssions when it comes to things sometimes, like collecting. If I start collecting something it gets out of control really fast and it can take control over my life sometimes. I do not like meeting new people or social situations at all. I have to practice over and over in my head what I need to say in different situations so that I can be prepared for them when they happen. I have never felt comfortable around other people at all because I cant seem to figure others out at all, people are like a mystery to me. Anyway I know this is really long, I do tend to ramble when it comes to writing things, but I can never seem to talk to anybody in person that well

Beth McHugh (13186) 12 Jan 2009 04:41 PM

Hi PhoenixFire, don't worry too much about taking on others accents, that is very common among the general population. Have you tried seeking counseling? From what you have said you may have a mild AS problem but the may also be aspects of social phobia, so you would benefit from talking to a professional face to face who is trained in this area who will help you to develop better interpersonal skills. Best wishes, Beth

staffnurse (5) 19 Feb 2009 09:10 AM

Have just spoken to my dear sister whose son of 23 was diagnosed many years ago with AS. She has done a wonderful job her and her husband. But her son has a 3year old son who she cares for (the mother does not want to know). She is having terrible problems now with her adult son who has assaulted two girlfriends, his latest on valentines night, splitting her eyebrow. He will not accept he needs help, but my dear sister is at the end of her rope. How do I help her where can she go for support, he is now not recogniseable as the person we once knew. He also lives in the family home. He had support throughout school but so obviously needs help before he ends up in jail for assault or worse.

Beth McHugh (13186) 19 Feb 2009 04:32 PM

Hi staffnurse, something must be worrying your sister's son for him to react like this. All I can suggest is that you help her press for family counseling since he is acting out of character. If chrages were laid this would be easier to do. In the meantime support your sister as best you can and set firm boundaries for any future bad behavior on the part of her son. Best wishes, Beth

Beth McHugh (13186) 07 Jun 2009 09:20 PM

In order to further assist readers suffering from or experiencing difficulties in relating to friends and family suffering from Asperger's disorder, I have provided additional resources in order to help break down the loneliness associated with this problem. By accessing my website at http://youronlinecounselor.com you will be able to participate in a new forum. Best wishes, Beth